Bleh, I’m in my reclusive state again. I hate being like this but it’s sort of my way of protecting people around me from my disease of utter apathy. Studies say that your mood can greatly effect the mood of people around you. This is why they say you should surround yourself around optimistic pleasant folks. heh. Also, I fucking can’t stand it when people see me like this and thoughtlessly say, “cheer up!” GAH!
I’ve just been sinking into this hole of sheer indifference. Everything is meh and I’m uninspired by life at the moment. I keep hoping it will pass and I can return to some semblance of normalcy. More than anything right now, my brain has been in over drive trying to figure out how I find myself in this state of mind. It happens about once or twice a year and seems to last longer and longer each time.
One of the things I kept going over and over again was that maybe I keep putting my life in crazy scopes of perspective. Where am I? Who am I? Should I be here? Is this where I belong? Was this my path? What’s the point? What’s the point? What’s the point?
When I look at my life in the present, I feel like it’s been neatly glassed in and put on a shelf. Sure there are other lovely things on the shelf next to you and you get to see a few things as they pass by the window. In this box, my life is safe, it won’t be broken or tattered or get too dirty. The depressing part though is that in the larger perspective, that’s all my life will ever be… a dust collector.
Have I come to terms with this life? People always say you have a choice but the truth is that at a certain point you have to own up to the fact that life can not remain an infinite stream of possibilities. I guess as you see those possibilities dwindle as an adult, it can be quite depressing. And if you’re me, which sucks, you have such a low outlook on everything that it’s so hard to see the opportunities that are still there. And worst, you don’t care and that’s the part that sucks the most.
If someone were to observe the grief I have over the indifference to my life they’d probably ask, “so what do you want to do? What would make you happy? Maybe you should pursue things in life that will inspire you.” And that’s the scariest freaking part. My answer would be, “I’m not all together sure if anything or any lifestyle or anyone can make me care. I am numb.” What if the numbness consumes me? That freaks me out the most.