Dust Collector

Bleh, I’m in my reclusive state again. I hate being like this but it’s sort of my way of protecting people around me from my disease of utter apathy. Studies say that your mood can greatly effect the mood of people around you. This is why they say you should surround yourself around optimistic pleasant folks. heh. Also, I fucking can’t stand it when people see me like this and thoughtlessly say, “cheer up!” GAH!

I’ve just been sinking into this hole of sheer indifference. Everything is meh and I’m uninspired by life at the moment. I keep hoping it will pass and I can return to some semblance of normalcy. More than anything right now, my brain has been in over drive trying to figure out how I find myself in this state of mind. It happens about once or twice a year and seems to last longer and longer each time.

One of the things I kept going over and over again was that maybe I keep putting my life in crazy scopes of perspective. Where am I? Who am I? Should I be here? Is this where I belong? Was this my path? What’s the point? What’s the point? What’s the point?

When I look at my life in the present, I feel like it’s been neatly glassed in and put on a shelf. Sure there are other lovely things on the shelf next to you and you get to see a few things as they pass by the window. In this box, my life is safe, it won’t be broken or tattered or get too dirty. The depressing part though is that in the larger perspective, that’s all my life will ever be… a dust collector.

Have I come to terms with this life? People always say you have a choice but the truth is that at a certain point you have to own up to the fact that life can not remain an infinite stream of possibilities. I guess as you see those possibilities dwindle as an adult, it can be quite depressing. And if you’re me, which sucks, you have such a low outlook on everything that it’s so hard to see the opportunities that are still there. And worst, you don’t care and that’s the part that sucks the most.

If someone were to observe the grief I have over the indifference to my life they’d probably ask, “so what do you want to do? What would make you happy? Maybe you should pursue things in life that will inspire you.” And that’s the scariest freaking part. My answer would be, “I’m not all together sure if anything or any lifestyle or anyone can make me care. I am numb.” What if the numbness consumes me? That freaks me out the most.


francois said...

(Part 1, Oops went over 4,096 chars oO)

I've noticed your unusual feeds inactivity lately. Sad to read you're in that phase. I know you're not writing for people to read and even less to react. I feel bad to stalk you and comment but I can't help it. I first stumble on you on my iPod and since can't completely get you out of my head. Please, please *behave* or you'll get me crazzzzyy toooo !!!! ^^

"“I’m not all together sure if anything or any lifestyle or anyone can make me care. I am numb.” What if the numbness consumes me? That freaks me out the most."

The fact that you're *not* sure is already a good thing, it gives possibilities even if they are yet unknown :)

From my external point of view you're everything but numb. Probably too much alive and sensitive and experiencing overloading runtime errors. It's common among artists and looking at your pics and digital creations it's obvious you have this fiber too.

What strikes me though is the difference between the Meta Alachia (very positive twitter cloud for example) and you're "RL", often pessimist, "flip side". Some chapters have been lost, my profiling attempt is incomplete but I wonder how much you escaped from an unsatisfying RL life to a rich meta sandbox where you evolved (learned, overcame challenges, grew confidence, lead people, made friends alike, shared your love of the game, art etc). It's this first this very positive and dynamic side I saw and really like in you.

If we extrapolate the question could be:
Can you complete the circle?
Can you use your earned confident Meta skills to transform your RL?
Can you play the RL game of life ... as a metagame?

Just to give a personal anecdote. While leveling my first character (a hunt) I remember doing Drak'Tharon with my guildies and a pickup tank named "Maboul" (it means "stupid" in french slang). It was bad, we were wiping and I knew our heal wasn't great but doing her best (a divorced mother dragged in the game by her son to temporary forget RL). I just knew for a fact that the group just couldn't succeed. Period. After a while Maboul went on audio chat and began talking to our heal in a very nice and neutral voice to see how we could improve the situation (especially the lack of HoT spells he received). Our heal took it personally, told him to mind his own business with anger in her voice. I was relived, it was clear the group would disband soon, at last. But no. Insulted Maboul completely ignored all the personal attacks and stayed nice and helpful! He contacted by chat his Holy Priest friend who gave him advices on spells that he communicated back to our heal still uncooperative. As we continued the dungeon our heal resiliently began to apply the advices and we went through it successfully. We all won on a situation I definitely judged lost. That day a warrior called "stupid" taught me a useful lesson that I now apply in my RL especially at work. When a conflict arise Maboul pops in my head, I try not to take things personally, I try to analyze the situation at the group level and I ask myself what Maboul would have done so we can all win. I never saw him again.

francois said...

" Where am I? Who am I? Should I be here? Is this where I belong? Was this my path? What’s the point?"

I still ask myself these questions from time to time, I guess it's part of being human (for those who are not yet adult zombies). Life is a violent phenomenon, it always ends badly but it's also violently beautiful If your curious enough.

What 'worries' me more is the way this seems to affect you periodically both for your health and your mindset.

Here comes back my level 1 Doc. This is just a possibility, improbable ok but I believe all possibilities must be explored when it comes to health and happiness issues.

I wonder if you have maybe some kind of bipolar disorder (estimated at 2 to 6 millions people in the states).

I say this because one of my cousin is bipolar and it took 20 years to find out. Since then he leaves a normal life and he can now regulate his mood. He even successful promote awareness on this by creating and performing a show on this subject. My brother went through similar periods and I believe my father paid the ultimate price when I was seven from this (bipolar disorder often have a genetic origin, genetic tests like 23andme tracks it).

"Signs and symptoms of the depressive phase of bipolar disorder include persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, guilt, anger, isolation, or hopelessness; disturbances in sleep and appetite; fatigue and loss of interest in usually enjoyable activities; problems concentrating; loneliness, self-loathing, apathy or indifference; depersonalization; loss of interest in sexual activity; shyness or social anxiety; irritability, chronic pain (with or without a known cause); lack of motivation;[...]"

"I fucking can’t stand it when people see me like this and thoughtlessly say, “cheer up!” GAH!"

Well the good thing with strangers in the Meta is that they don't really "see" you and you can unplug them when you want. If you fell like talking or online gaming or both you have my 'mail' (I'm just to slow to write long chunks and I tend to think while talking and moving my hands like a made Italian).

Sorry again for the long comment.

I sincerely wish you all the best in your life hacking. I'm sure you'll down your internal Boss. I care :)


mama of 3 said...

i know how you feel. Sometimes i think i'm destined to be and feel miserable for the rest of my life. I get in the mode where I think I've lost myself and don't even know where to start looking. And even then I can't help but think I will never be... happy. I hate it.