Chapter 16: Until Death or Until I don't

*this chapter has been lost*

Chapter 15: Merry X-mas

*this chapter has been lost*

Chapter 14: And the Laughter is Gone

My hands are tied in a relationship made of right
Where wrong has no light
And I do everything in the perfect way
Coloring in the lines

Because you’re not sure
If the living is a lie
Or if you’ll end up lonely when you die
The doors are all locked

When you have to choose
Between time and laughter
Take your happiness now or later
It’s hard to know

That one day you’ll be unable to grow
And that your chances
Have all gone by
And you can blame the dream

They told you when you were young
That this is right and wrong
Regardless of if you’re dead inside
And the laughter is gone

Chapter 13: Yes, No, Maybe So

Either you do or you don't. And while you don't want to obviously commit political assassination, you can't play coy and dub yourself the King of Change. You are either FOR gay marriage or you're NOT. It's really not that difficult a stance to take.

You either believe everyone has the right to marriage or you believe that marriage is defined by some moral or religious code. I guess maybe I'm not seeing the correct picture?

President-elect Obama sent his VP pick Joe Biden up on a National Television platform to state to the entire world:

First statement: "The fact of the matter is that under the Constitution we should be granted – same-sex couples should be able to have visitation rights in hospitals, joint ownership of property, life insurance policies, etc. that’s only fair. It’s what the Constitution calls for. And so we do support it. We do support making sure that committed couples in a same-sex marriage are guaranteed the same constitutional benefits as it relates to their property rights, their rights of visitation, their rights to insurance, their rights to ownership as heterosexual couples do."

Second statement: "No. Neither Barack Obama nor I support redefining from a civil side what constitutes marriage. We do not support that."

How do you support equal rights and not support redefining from a civil side something that would validate those equal rights? It's what makes the most sense. I don't think you can say "I only agree people should have rights under certain definitions and conditions"

Then Obama goes on record saying: "I believe marriage is between a man and a woman. I am not in favor of gay marriage. But when you start playing around with constitutions, just to prohibit somebody who cares about another person, it just seems to me that's not what America's about. Usually, our constitutions expand liberties, they don't contract them."

So he states that he's not for gay marriage and yet he tries to cover it with, but if there is gay marriage, let us not stir any hornet's nests shall we? What is this? Is that him trying to throw the gay community a bone? Let us have a few states and call it even?

I know he's trying to stabilize the nation and not draw lines in the sand however there are some fences you just simply can not ride. You have to eventually come down on one side or the other. I hope he finally decides to grow a pair and make a stand.

People say that the President holds no power over constitutional amendments and state laws etc. But a leader of a nation can be the voice of a movement or idea and can influence the media and popular belief. They just have to be brave enough to be hated for a little while...

Chapter 12: If You're Gay and You Know It

Yes, if you're gay and you know it, clap your hands
If you're happy and you know it, slap yourself for voting for someone who doesn't believe you deserve to be happy!

So yes, Obama was probably the lesser of two evils. He was the champion savior of our nation!! He's going to be the glue that puts our nation back together! He's the second coming! Of course, anyone would seem that way after eight years of Bush.

What completely drives me insane is hearing the fellow gay community stand in outrage about Prop 8 and the lackluster movement for equal rights of homosexuals. You practically carried in Obama into office on a platter of gold, frankincense and mirth! He made absolutely no move to stand up for gay rights. His VP pick outright said that they don't believe that gays should have the right to marriage.

Yet you laud him? He chooses pastor Rick Warren to deliver the invocation at the presidential inauguration. This is someone who has made a clear deliverance on his beliefs about gay marriage and abortion rights. There had to have been other choices and clearly he's picked the voice of the majority. People make excuses for him left and right, saying Obama tries to choose middle ground to pull everyone together and therefore he's allowed to turn his back on certain issues.

I say, the easiest way to be popular is to not fight anyone and agree with everyone and stand up for nothing. It's those who aren't afraid to be hated and loathed who are willing to fight.

So yes, I'm laughing at all of the Obama fanatic gay rights activists who thought somehow once he was elected, he'd see the light and decide equal rights for gays was something he'd magically put on his agenda.

And that's what happens when you settle. So now we wait quietly until a voice emerges that is our own.

If you're gay and you know it, shame on you for voting for someone who doesn't have the balls to believe you deserve to be happy.

Chapter 11: Use You Lose You

When people first get to know me, they often wonder where my profound pessimism comes from. Do I want to be such a negative person? Absolutely not. People who are optimistic and hopeful always seem happier (duh) and live longer lives.

I'm so pessimistic that I've become indifferent to life so the long life bonus doesn't even mean anything to me. So how did I get so brutally negative?

I think it's because I have such an amazing trust of people. I always meet people and expect the best out of them and that everyone around me has the same opinions about respect and empathy.

To me, I might be brutal but when it comes to how I treat other people, I do my very best to make everyone around me happy or feel good about their existence. Even if I hate someone, I still get a high out of doing things to make them feel good about themselves.

The only time I get hurtful to people is if I feel threatened or misused.

For example, a friend of mine from high school used to come up and visit me every so often. However, as soon as he got here, he left the house to go hang out with friends he had elsewhere etc. Soon, he would show up without asking, take my house key without asking and leave. At a certain point, I finally felt like I was being played for a fool and stopped returning his phone calls.

So my rudeness usually stems form "radio silence"- it's my mechanism for not going off on someone. Although, some of my friend say it's far worse to get my silent treatment than to be yelled at. (guess I still feel like it's better to not say anything than to regret what I said)

And lately, it seems like the only people who get in contact with me just WANT something from me. Whatever happened to just enjoying being with someone..just enjoying them for the sheer pleasure of existence.

Just recently in WOW, someone who I thought was my friend..someone I invited into my carass which I hardly ever do because I'm protective of my group, turned there back on me. He just decided it wasn't worth his time to participate anymore.

It was one of those "kkthxbai" moments that make you say "wtf! this is why you don't make friends anymore" And maybe there is more to the story but you'd think there would be more courtesy involved like maybe "talking your issues over as a friend?"

When you're young, you think the opportunity to meet great people will be numerous. As it turns out, the best of friends I made where from high school. Perhaps it's because we are too vastly flawed as adults to start fresh? We come with too much baggage I guess and we carry that into all of our new relationships.

Chapter 10: In the Grey

Ron Paul Hosts Third Party Press Conference
(aired on C-SPAN September 11, 2008)


Only 6960 views when I watched this. More people watched Britney Spears "Womanizer" video than this. Not that it's their fault. I'm 100% positive that it was suppressed by all media. Besides, the majority of the American people prefer flash over substance.
We have chosen complacency and laziness over information, rights, and liberty.

I am not a sheep, never have been, probably never will be and it doesn't make my life easy. Yes, I'd love to chime in with my peers, believe what they believe because it's obviously easier. I wish I was one who got off on sucking off the lips of maple syrup buzz words and phrases that make the average television whore cum radically in their pants. Since when did people stop seeing the larger picture of what makes America the country it is?

The media will have you shaking scared into believing that if you don't walk the black and white path they want to sell to you, that this country would find itself lost forever. The truth is that there is very little besides a great huge ocean that separates the US with the rest of the world. We hold onto a golden belief that our societal structure, our economic security, and global power is solid, unwavering, and unmovable.

However, I think that just like a Jenga piece, you start to take critical structural pieces out and you'll find your perfect tower crashing down.

Just look at Katrina and New Orleans. This "perfect shining example of civilization" that the US boasts to the rest of the world. It was broken down in a matter of seconds when life was threatened, liberty was up for barter, and justice was completely absent. We WANT to believe that our society and communities would uphold the belief system that is the rock, solid foundation of this country. We WANT to believe. And that's why we ignore our own internal logic and do things without question.

A two party system in the country where NEITHER parties uphold the values that can keep this country in check is a failed system. Instead of race between two qualified leaders who promise to uphold the constitution, protect the liberties of the its citizens, and will fight to secure us from foreign compromise, we get a horse race that amounts to nothing better than a Miss America Pageant sponsored by our beloved media.

I know I always fight the main stream. I know it always looks like I do things simply because they aren't the norm. I've always felt there wasn't something right about this election... about either the Republican and Democrat candidate. It never sat still with me. The media continues to ignore the fact that neither of these candidates have real solutions but just broad promises that sound OH SO TASTY to the masses. But if you actually look at the consequences of their promises, you have to wonder if not only we'll be even further into debt but will anything really be solved? And if we continue to use force to secure our global positioning, if we'll inadvertently compromise all the rights this country used to stand for...

So I'm going to vote third party this year I think. I looked into this site

Basically it works when two people who were going to toss their vote to the republican and democrat nominee because they were the lesser of two evils both agree to vote for a third party candidate instead. This way, it doesn't throw the vote to one of the primary sides but cancels out the two main stream choices and shows that maybe it's time for reform in our political system.

I will be researching a third party candidate this year and hopefully will be able to find a vote pact partner and vote my conscious.

Chapter 9: Haul Culture

It's always a little offsetting when you discover a new type of culture online. It's part of the exploration/discovery part of being a metazen. You just never know what types of communities or groups are out there.

I was on youtube watching videos of people freaking out in offices and going ballistic. Mainly, I was watching them because my friend was having a super bad day at work and I wanted to link him some videos of people throwing monitors to help him feel better.

However, if you know how youtube works, some key words tend to over lap regarding the description of the videos. The next think I know, I'm watching a Britney Spears video and then from there moving to how to apply make up. Because I'm not a girly girl and hardly ever put on make up, I'm always fascinated in girl culture. It's nice to see the side of xx that I never really get to experience. So all these girls kept talking about haul haul haul haul. I'm thinking to myself, wtf is a haul?

Apparently, it's this whole culture of women or men online who like to video themselves prepackaging their cosmetics, bags, clothing, or any consumed item really. It seem to be heavily cosmetic driven but the jest of it seems it's more along the lines of the glamour world.

The reason it feels like a this totally subtle fetish to me is that it's all about really appreciating packaging, assembly, colors, textures, and feeling. It's giving someone that tactile experience of sensory connection to the product. It's that feeling you get all over the surface of your skin when someone speaks about something with enthusiasm and passion.

Also, it seems like it involves those who are heavily into shopping. hehehe. Crazy. I guess I should have known a culture like this would emerge. What better thing to use youtube for than to help those who love to consume, share what they consume. I know people who are very passionate about shopping and all they want to do is share the details of their purchases with you.

Video blogging allows them to do this at any time and for all their purchases. I should do a HAUL video for the expansion release of World of Warcraft. :)

Here's a link to the Anatomy of a HAUL video:
Anatomy of a Haul Video
1. Packaging - Box, envelope, bag
2. Product - Cosmetics, handbags, clothes, shoes - no restrictions
3. Touching - opening of packaging, product displaying, color name or number
4. Testing of product
5. Price paid / Display of Receipt
6. Location of Purchase(s)
7. Demeanor and helpfulness (or lack of) of sales associate
8. Hopes / Desires of future purchases
9. Plans on returning or exchanging any or all of items / Possible regrets
10. Caveats to other buyers (Don't buy the Neo Sci Fi line, don't bother with the sale, etc.)

Chapter 8: The Sheep Live

The whole election process over the last 8 years now has really just been a complete and utter disappointment to the democratic system. First, with media being as accessible as it is now, there is no reason we should drag elections out for so long. It now takes almost a year and in that year our entire nation gets torn in half.

The demon side of people come out and it ends up a rat race of popularity and media controlled influences. These are decent people who are volunteering to lead our nation. And yes, there are some who are more qualified than others but none deserve to be completely disrespected to the point of personal abuse.

The sexism and ageism in this country is outrageous. Had the media gone after the race card, do you think this country would have stood for it? Absolutely not. And I'm a firm liberal and am entirely ashamed of all the other media-sponge, liberal-turned-sheep heads out there. Grow up! This is a fucking Presidential Election.

Stop looking at the skin, sex, age of the person and actually look at their platform, economic plan, or NON- plan. Look at their history of leadership and background on foreign policy or their stance on government spending.

THOSE are the things that will matter coming from the future President of the United States. The more the media twists this into their free-for-all reality TV show, the more the politicians can't focus on the real issues at hand.

Last night's debate, they were talking about abortion and education reform. This is a sinking ship. We are a great sinking ship as a nation. I want a leader who knows how to fix the gaping hole that's causing us to sink. I don't want to talk about how we're gonna add a pool to the top deck or improve room service.

There's not one politician in this run for president who seems to be willing to admit that mom and dad have spent all of our money and we're living on massive credit debt. And the answer isn't to charge more!

Am I crazy? Do I not understand economics? Is it OKAY for us to continue to spend billions and trillions per year that we don't have?? Is the answer to all our problems to throw more money into the fire?

In any case, I have no idea who I'm voting for this year. And it's a shame that the media decided to turn this into their own personal boy-toy of the year game. I don't think it's going to matter who is the next President. Neither one of them has the balls to do what really needs to be done. And that's tell the kids, I'm sorry but for the first time, I'm going to have to say NO you can't buy that we simply don't have the money.

Maybe reality skews from a micro to macro level.

Chapter 7: Social Commentary

Election as Pop Culture.

It might as well be covered as a tv reality game show. Instead of voting, we can all text our choice to American 'President' Idol.


Each vote costs 25 cents, some restrictions may apply, contact your provider for extra fees that may apply.
Stay tuned next week when your votes are revealed to see who will become the NEXT AMERICAN PRESIDENT IDOL!


Chapter 6: Home-Work

So I've been on a sabbatical of sorts from work for awhile. Recently, I've started a new job getting to work from home. It's still generally the same career line without the emphasis on career.

It's so true what they say. About how your priorities change as you grow older. Ideals get torn down, optimism dies, and realism sets in. Those all sound like bad things but I actually am pretty settled in learning the lessons of life.

I think everyone should get to go through these phases of life. I think it's a natural mechanism so we can learn to live with each step of our progression to death. LOL. Okay, yeah, I'm still a little morbid.

Anyhow, working is great. It's a chore of course but it's great to feels great to be financially productive again. Plus, I love having little distractions in life that make me feel like my brain is being exercised.

I was always a workaholic. I worked 70-80 hour weeks at my peek. I never saw weekends for months. I always did my best and always pushed as far as I could go. But one day I woke up and realized that I was wasting my life trying to "become" instead of just "being"...

At some point, I think everyone starts to decide, is this how I'm going to live the rest of my life? Is this it? And for me, sleep-eat-work seemed completely useless. Sure, I could have propelled myself into a high-track career and I could have become extremely successful.

But honestly, I don't really care what anyone thinks about me...whether or not I'm a great famous Architect! At the end of the day, I just want to be with the people who make me laugh. And some people might think I'm just settling but if settling means that you're finally happy, I'm okay with that.

So I'm pretty excited about the new job as it affords me the lifestyle that more suites who I am today.

Chapter 5: The Death of the Personal Homepage

Back in 1996, when the internet finally exploded into the main stream, personal websites popped up all over. Angelfire and Geocities were highly populated with "new neighborhoods" added every week. Unfortunately, where the people are, is where the money follows.

Everyone probably can agree now how commercialized the Internet is in present day. The idea of coming across someone's personal homepage is far less accepted than major ".com" sites. Instead, the personal sites have all been sized down to the blogosphere. In a sense, what happened to personal websites is that the static data is now gone. Meaning you won't find the typical pages of the 90s, pictures-bio-poems-cams-pets-thoughts-guestbook-etc.

Actually, it's not that those types of sites are gone so much as segregated into multiple profiles. For the most part the personal website of today is a blog with dynamic links to other sites which house the "static" data of the personal websites. All the data is housed now in sites like Flickr, Youtube, Facebook, Twitter, Etc.

Also, based off the context of the content presented by most people, personal blogs or whatnot no longer are about personal expression so much as networking. I don't see this as a bad thing necessarily but just rather limiting. Before, it used to be me and the void so you tended not to care so much about what you expressed or said or shared.

Now, it's very intentional and usually directed with intent. So when I move from site to site now, I feel a loss of intimacy in those sites....mine included. It's far more about expanding the scope of viewership and getting exposure than anything else.

One thing I can say is that the more personal and transparent you are about your life on your site, the more people feel connected and want to stay connected. Again, one of the greatest limitations I face right now with trying to shield my personal identity from merging with my meta.

That might crumble soon. I'm not sure.

Chapter 4: Morbid Curiosity

So recently I joined the fast paced bandwaggon of Facebook. However, I still refuse to use my real name or post my real picture out there. For me, lately, there is something fundamentally important about remaining purely meta.

As for those who know me on the RL level, I've noticed Facebook as something of an anonymous tool of judgement. And my friends say I am very cynical to think this way but seriously, when you're finally adding a "friend" on face book whom you haven't seen in 10 years or more...and not only that, but you were never really friends in the first place.. How can you tell me that they're not just using the networking tool as way to see "how you turned out"

Did you get fat? Are you successful? Who has the higher degree? Who has the better job? Who seems like they have it all. And even if you got past those usual judgments, then you're usually left with the "now what?" question.

After all, you're just seeing someone's surface persona. You're judging them by a line of statistics, questionares, and a few carefully chosen pics. You're getting to know them by what they want you to see. And then what do you do? Do you really have a real relationship with someone when all you do is make short quips on their "walls"?

I don't buy it but I also realize that my definition of relationships and friends have always been far more guarded and particular than most. I keep a close knit group. I don't care for a wide circle of acquaintances. I see no real value in them. However, I know a lot of people do. So I respect that.

My issues is mostly with my division between my meta self and my real self. They aren't the same anymore. Not at all. The people who knew me in high school wouldn't recognize the meta me. I only projected a personable mirror when I was in high school and most of college...and especially at work. The meta me, is the real me.

I don't like the idea of my old HS acquaintances discovering who I am now. The gap between understanding is too large to overcome. I know that sounds harsh and snobbish. But I am so far beyond surface relationships at this time in my life. I was burned by the notion of friendship a long time ago. People come, people go.

But somehow being meta seems more permanent, stationary, and real. Is that odd?
I suppose it is. So I guess the truth is, I don't want them to see the real me. If I use that logic. Hmmm. So it seems.


Chapter 3: No Place Like Home

The new social mediums are a hoax it seems. Although we might feel like these tools are being developed to help enhance the communication of our meta selves, they're actually diluting our very essence.

Okay, that's a little melodramatic. But take for instance this new form of connectivity. Plurk. It's a bit like Twitter but even more degrading in terms of actual human communication. Seriously, facebook, myspace, friend book, twitter, whatever else is new out there. They've all filtered out any real human thought outside of "I had cheese for Breakfast" and "On the train to work" or "I LOVE tofuu in the rain"

Seriously? This is what we're down to in terms of communication via the meta? How are you seriously supposed to get to really KNOW anyone anymore.

I guess the thing is that the general population isn't into blogging. I understand not everyone has four to five paragraphs to spill out a day. And for them, twitter and plurk are perfect. But lately, it feels like everything is so vapid and separated.

There are just too many mediums to keep up with and we're all so segmented into those dozens of communities throwing out tid bits of our minds into a void...with no cohesion or real connection. And everyone just accepts it and moves onto to the next best networking site.

There's no real home for us who exist in the meta. What most of us do is just grab onto whatever portal they have out there and we latch on as best we can. But we all know that we're just renting space in the next temporary fad.

I just want to click my heels three times and spam/blog/twitter "there's no place like home"