I haven't had much of an appetite lately. I don't know why. Sometimes when I'm really stressed or when I just have so much stuff on my mind, I don't hunger for anything.
The last real meal I have had was Friday when I finally made myself warm this left over Chinese food after I realized I hadn't eaten anything for 30 hours....except a pop tart and of course Diet Sunkist. I think since then I've eaten a bowl of that microwave mac-n-cheese and some crackers.
I've been worried a lot about my father this past week. My mom called to tell me that his retina detached from his left eye. It's a genetic condition that actually I am prone too as well but probably not until I'm much older. Anyhow, it's been really depressing for my father who hasn't been able to see while his eye heals from the operation they did on it to see if they could fix it.
Due nerves and tensions that effect both eyes, he can't really see out of the right eye either and has to always lay in a very specific position even while sleeping. Apparently, it is very uncomfortable.
The worst part about it is that my father is like a thousand fold more a busy body than me. He always wants to be doing something. He can't sit still. He comes from the times when you were taught that you always had to be physically productive (wash the car, clean the house, do the dishes etc). In any case, not being able to see or move much is pretty much breaking him. I hope his sight improves this week.
I'm so dark...soo sooo dark. When my mother calls me to tell me my father has been to the hospital or hell when my mom calls at all, I've gotten to this point where I'm half expecting her to tell me she or he has cancer.
They've been smoking for like 40 years. I'm always dreading that call. And now that he has eye issues, I begged him to stop smoking because of how smoking causes constrictions in the blood vessels.
They've quit twice before in their lives but always picked it up again. Smoking is such a horrific addiction because after so many years it's not even about the chemical addiction as much as the psychological dependency. I hope this will be the catalyst that finally gets them to stop.
Think I'm gonna go grab another PopTart so that it won't be another 30hrs until I've had a meal. I don't want to be that loser chick who died from not eating and sleeping because she was stressing and on her computer too much.
I haven't had much of an appetite lately. I don't know why. Sometimes when I'm really stressed or when I just have so much stuff on my mind, I don't hunger for anything.
I really like it when Felix comes to visit because he's allows me to take pictures of him unlike my other friends. At first, he'll try to pose and then I make a frowny face and say "be natural."
And then he goes "what do you want me to do?" So I tell him to tell me a story or to talk about anything. And when he won't smile, I usually say something really crude so he'll laugh or I'll hold the camera up while he's trying to pose until he cracks.
He's a really great model though for someone who has no experience. Eventually he'll let me put make up on him and maybe a dress so I can do more feminine pics. lol. No shot in hell but hey...maybe if he's drunk enough.
Well, so much for calling the emergency line. Those gas people didn’t come out until nearly 18 hours after I called them. I think I was like LAST on their list of people to get to today. Everything seems fine except that maybe my propane tank is a bit small for the house and therefore will need more refilling per month than usual.
I’ve resolved to keep the furnace off downstairs to help curb the costs. In just four weeks, the gas bill was ridiculously high! My eyes almost flew out of my sockets when I saw it. That is waaaaay too much gas usage. I’ll be eating crackers and cheese for the rest of my life at this rate. Luckily summer is just around the corner and then I can shut the heater off for another good 8 months.
Best thing though is I got to take my hot ass shower and I feel awesome now.
I can not believe how spoiled I am as a human being. I wouldn't survive one day out in the wild. Forget the post-apocalyptic world! I'd be survivor's main course by night fall! lol.
So the gas guy hasn't come yet and I'm still without gas which means no hot water and no furnace. I was just thinking of this scenario last month when I had massive connection issues do to a faulty screw allowing the wind to knock my internet connection out.
I am like 100% dependent on modern technology. Without access to the Meta, I just wander around not knowing what to do with myself. I watched a lot of movies and thought about how much I wanted to get back online asap. Not being able to have access to my company's servers halted me from working and I had to use up my few vacation days to deal with it.
And I remember contemplating in my head what would be worse than losing internet? Losing hot showers!!! I love to take scalding hot showers, like melt your skin off steam fest. I can't stand being cold so I always crank my shower to max heat and think to myself that this is the one indulgence I can't live without.
What do you know, I'm now without hot water and my worst nightmare has come true. The thought of getting in an icebox shower and trying to shower with ice cold water makes me cringe from the inside out... I think I'd rather just rot and stench up the entire town than take a cold shower.
Hopefully the gas guy comes soon....
Literally out of gas. I think my propane tank is empty or leaking or something. There no furnace heater, no hot water, nothing.
I moved my pillow and yellies upstaris to my office with the space heater on HI. Me and the pets are bunkering up for the night in here to try and stay warm. I called the gas company and they suggested I get out of the house incase it's a leak but I don't really have any place to go at this time of night without waking people up. So if you hear about a girl whose house blew up in the middle of the night, you'll know it was me and can submit my name for a Darwin Award.
No, seriously, it's probably safe as long as I don't try to light fires. This is like one of my nightmares though, to be without central heating. Not good. I hope the technician guy comes out very soon.
I have no idea why I’m obsessed with the song Eros by Late Night Alumni. I can’t stop listening to it. It just goes in sync with my thoughts and feelings at the moments. The funny thing is that I really don’t know what the lyrics mean. I figure I’ll try to analyze them and see if I can’t put an end to this obsession……….
Eros prays we build our house upon him.
Sees how well it stands, how long we last
Built upon the sand, on the idol Eros.
So According to wikki, Eros, “in Greek Mythology, was the primordial god of sexual love and beauty. Throughout Greek thought, there appear to be two sides to the conception of Eros. In the first, he is a primeval deity who embodies not only the force of erotic love but also the creative urge of ever-flowing nature.” So I take it mean that Eros is hoping “we” build a relationship built upon his ideals and see how long it lasts. Built upon the sand might hint at the futility of this as sand is ever eroding and not something you can build anything solid on.
So when he's gone, can I do what Eros does?
What he does for us, he does for us.
And when he's gone can it be the way it was?
Bring him back to us. Is he all we've got
Our house built upon? On the idol Eros?
Without the magic of erotic love, does the relationship still work? I take it to mean that stage in the relationship where the initial lust and passion start to fade. It’s that moment where you see it slipping and want it back because you realize it’s all that makes the relationship work..”bring him back to us. is he all we’ve got?”
When our haven wavers in the wind
And walls all beg to be abandoned,
Blame the idol Eros.
As with all these types of relationships that are built upon this type of love and desire, they break and fall apart. And you can look at blinding passion to blame.
When the raven calls and all his melodies
All long to be forgotten,
Blame the idol Eros.
A raven stands for many things. It is known a symbol for knowledge and is said to be a Danish device used as a heraldic symbol. So when the raven calls it’s that time of coming to your senses in the relationship and realizing the true reality of it and how it was not built on anything real. It is also traditionally a symbol of death which works in the same way in this line. Either through awakening or death, what was not lasting will eventually be forgotten.
What's left to say but I loved the way it was?
..Cause I said I would, I've done all I could.
See what he's done to us?
Oh the idol Eros.
Looking back, we all enjoy those brief moments of undeniable states of delusion where you forgo everything around you except the person you are devoted to..All that matters is that you can express the passion and consume it while it lasts. You burn hard, bright as long as you can until inevitably “Eros” leaves and usually one of your lights die out or fade.
When our haven wavers in the wind
And walls all beg to be abandoned,
When the raven calls and all his melodies
All long to be forgotten,
Blame the idol Eros.
I only got through five of my thirty new podcasts to listen to. They’ve been great so far. I can’t believe how long I waited to branch out and really comb the podcasting world for stuff to listen to. You’d think a podcaster would be a podcast-aholic but I love music and most days I like putting my favorite tracks on extensive repeat.
This is going to sound stupid too. My head is always full. People sometimes say that introspection is good but sometimes I’d like to just stop thinking. The amount of stories and thoughts that cross my head just walking from the kitchen to my office could fill novels, bad novels, but nonetheless just so much crap. It’s hard for me to listen to podcasts because it means I have to figure a way to shut up long enough to listen and really absorb.
I tend to really love podcasts where I feel in my head that I am participating in the ongoing conversation OR that there is so much information flooding in that I don’t have time to think of anything else.
I jotted down some memorable quotes from the podcasts I listened to today that I thought were either funny or interesting:
“Can he solve another crisis in another day? Does anyone still care?” Cable Wasteland (in references to 24)
“I just don’t think of Utah as a destination” CTRL-ALT-WOW (in reference to taking a train ride through Utah once)
“Now I’m trying to imagine my five year old and how she would handle a public decapitation.” Dan Carlin’s Hardcore History (in reference to the history of how children used to be forced to watch public executions)
“it’s easy to forget that coins arrived late in the history of the world.” History of the World in 100 objects
“I want people to know that even though I have a disability, I can still move.” The Moth Podcast in reference to a woman with cerebral palsy telling a story about her hot date.
I did it! I am reset and woken now at 6am my time and the day is ahead of me. I know I didn’t get but a four and a half hours of sleep but still at least this is closer to normalcy than I have been all week.
Yesterday I asked recommendations from people on podcasts. I wanted to expand my range out of the handful I’m used to and see what else is out there. I got a lot of suggestions and am excited be testing out my dynamic playlist today. I think I have over 30 new podcasts and am looking forward to spending today looking out the window of other people’s eyes.
my eyes are so tweaked out.
I am beyond exhausted. I haven’t slept for over 27 hours or so. I’m having such a hard time sleeping these days. Even as physically “shattered” as I am, I have no desire to abandon my consciousness. I’ve got so many things on my mind competing with my internal tour de force cynicism and pessimism arguing me every step of the way.
I went out today with Taint, Tivi, Flipmax, and Tivi’s niece to go see Cirque De Soleil Alegria and am once again convinced I will die a hermit. Every time I leave the house nowadays, I almost immediately have this strong desire to come running back and crawling under my meta blanket. It’s such an exhausting world out there trying to pretend you’re not interested in it…because that would REALLY make you apparently abnormal.
I’ve lost my lust for life I guess or maybe I’m just so damn tired I can’t care? Anyhow, the show was okay, nothing like the time I saw Cirque De Ingénue at a concert hall. It was one of the most memorable performances I’ve ever seen. I think nowadays they have modularized their shows in order to have wider distribution of the act. It’s more like a child’s circus now than a beautiful, magical journey into the world of dreams. One group of people sitting in our row didn’t bother coming back after the intermission. It was definitely NOT worth the $85 dollars spent.
I have a final bit to do tonight that I’ve been excited to releasing since Thursday. I just hope I can get it out before I collapse.
it's dead it's gone
what can bring back which is lost?
nothing and in that nothing
maybe it's time to move on?
maybe it's time to realize there was little there to begin with...
the memory we feed is a memory we create to strengthen regret
And what good is regret
when nothing can be saved
today or tomorrow
the whispers belong to ghosts now
and the sadness is the haunting
don't want to grieve, rather deny it's not done
but hope all I want
it's dead it's gone
Couldn’t sleep again last night, I’m not sure why I’m even trying. I ended up putting in the movie Before Sunrise with Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy. I really like that movie a lot. It’s like the only romance movie I can relate to.
It’s about these two strangers that meet on a train and the whole movie is following them around Vienna talking. You can tell it starts off as slight physical attraction but within the first ten minutes you realize that the real infatuation they have with each other is intellectual and emotional.
The imdb plot reads that it’s about two strangers who spend a romantic evening together but there’s really not much romance in it other than that ideal moment when you really connect with another human being. I think it’s probably the only movie I’ve ever seen where the entire focus is on the conversation and reactions of the characters rather than superficial flirtations.
A lot of people find this movie very boring because there is very little “production” or as I like to refer to it “movie magic.” But I think I really enjoy it the most because it’s a lot like being a fly on the wall and getting to hear all the cool conversations that happen when no one else is around.
I actually like the sequel to this movie more than the first called Before Sunset but thought I would watch the first one again because I hadn’t seen it in a long while.
Also, this movie really makes me envious of cities with lovely public spaces and architecture.
I saw this picture while browsing a color group on flickr. What's Your Wish? Do people still make wishes anymore?
I can not remember the last time I actually made a wish for anything.
It sucks getting older because you start to realize wishes are just a lazy way of wanting something. You can wish for stuff but 99.999% of the time nothing will happen unless you make it happen.
It sure was fun to wish though when I was young. I'd make crazy wishes for the craziest things. I wished I could travel to another planet, I wished my stuffed animals would talk to me, or that I would wake up one day and be someone else...okay, maybe that one is more current. lol.
You just have to have a good sense of innocence to believe in wishes though which gets stripped away pretty early through life.
That's what I love about the movie Howl's Moving Castle which I watched again the other day. I think I've seen it over a hundred times now. It's all about innocence of kindred affection.
And I've been struggling with the concept of innocence lately.
I sometimes wonder in a world we have today whether or not the idea of innocense is an illusion. It seems to be a happy dellusion that collectively as a society we allow ourselves to indulge in as a way of balancing our sanity.
I mean for me, innocense comes at the high price of divine ignorance. In order to reach an innocent level of gaiety and state of happiness, you must filter out certain realities. You tune out global realities and focus only on your own. It's selfish but I'm not sure how else I'd survive a day without doing so. I'd go mad with grief thinking about all the things that are beyond my control and even those that are that I ignore on a daily basis all the time.
It's nice to let yourself slip into that state from time to time at least while you still can. I get the feeling as every day goes by, I won't be able to find that state anymore and I'll never be able to return to never-never land so to speak. Maybe that's not such a bad thing though... so many people around me seem pretty delusional about our realities and it's frustrating because they won't ever grow up and contribute to our gross national product! ..and then we'll be the United States of China if we're not careful.. (uh..damn tangent).. *steering back onto the road*
Whenever I watch movies like Howl's Moving Castle and view fantastical flickr images, I often do want to wish again or be able to..
I want that innocence back , I want to believe in unicorns, happy endings, and fucking flying faeries! Also, I have a hankering to go to Renaissance Festival again of course. lol.
So as a compromise, I'll make a grown up realistic wish today. "I wish that it turns out my brother is healthy and not sick"
This was going to be a buzz but decided to it’d end up way too long so I figured I’d throw it up here. I just read a review that scathed and ranted about the privacy issues with the new Google Buzz. I haven’t exactly made up my mind yet on these things being the destroyer of worlds and the end of privacy as we know it…
I think it's a good thing that I haven't decided completely. It’s best not to shoot from the hip and do the research first I think and look at this in the entire perspective of online social media. So many people are just vomiting shit about Google Buzz regarding privacy issues.
I get it, I understand the GPS tracking via the phone app can be dangerous when it comes to protecting your personal information. I sure as heck don’t want people having my home address. But I wonder if people actually have thought about how easy it is to find your home address? For a few of the people who ranted about privacy on twitter, I did a bit of stalking research. Sure enough, it was hella easy to figure out not only their address but their home phone number and sometimes even birth dates.
If someone wants to find out information about you and you currently use your real name in the public eye, guess what? They will find you. Facebook is a wet dream for stalkers, phishers, and identity thieves. Not only do you give your name but your location, relationship status, birthdates, favorite color, favorite movies, favorite songs etc. And the worst part about it is that it’s all under the guise of gaining your old friends back and networking with new ones. There are tons of games you play on facebook that ask you to identify personal information about your friends… “how well do you know Mr. Smith.” "or “Which of these celebrities is most like Mr. Smith.” It’s a silly little, fun game you think you’re playing but in reality, it’s called personal data mining.
Most of the tech savvy people out there try to be as careful as possible with who they friend but seriously, when you’re mass adding your HS class and those handful of buddies from college and the co-workers you used to work with….it’s easy for any of those accounts to get compromised as I saw happen many times to friends on facebook…ie why is he inviting me to join a facebook group for pirated movies? Oh…he got hacked. You think it’s a closed secure walled garden but here’s the hard lesson I learned a long time ago…once you put information on the internet, it’s there forever. Delete it as many times as you want, but it’s out there.
Twitter is no better for sure but at least with twitter you are able use handles to protect your RL identity if you chose to do so although a lot of people don’t bother.
And this is where I get a little frustrated with the hypocrisy of the whole privacy issue. I’m crazy paranoid about protecting my RL identity. I even go above and beyond with very, very annoying hurdles that piss my photo happy acquaintances off. I don’t do this because I’m ashamed of who I am or that I think people actually give a shit but because I want the ability to keep the two separate. I like my privacy. I value the ability to be anonymous and not have two varying worlds collide when they clearly should not. I remember how annoyed some friends were that I would not friend them on my RL accounts. The funny thing was that it wasn’t to protect my RL ID but rather my meta from RL acquaintances like extended family, co-workers, and other people who just “don’t get me.”
I also feel like information and depth of a person should be revealed in layers depending on the quality of the relationship. That’s just me though. I’m extremely guarded. I can’t even trust a friendship is going to sustain unless it’s lasted for more than three years and even then, it’s still questionable. Meta-wise, we’re really all just great big ships passing in the night for the most part. It’s not the romantic way to think of relationships but sadly more true than not (eventually they all fade out).
Bah. Anyhow, this brings me to my point about social media and privacy. Truth is, if you want it, you can have my email address. My email address is put in more slots than [insert dirty joke]. In today’s social networking world and online consumerism, your email is like your virtual hand. If you don’t extend the hand, nothing happens. You don’t meet people, you don’t communicate, and you sure as hell can’t get anything worthwhile. Why are people suddenly pretending the “email” is the virgin mary? Email is made to be slutty folks.
“You retain copyright and any other rights you already hold in Content which you submit, post or display on or through, the Services. By submitting, posting or displaying the content you give Google a perpetual, irrevocable, worldwide, royalty-free, and non-exclusive licence to reproduce, adapt, modify, translate, publish, publicly perform, publicly display and distribute any Content which you submit, post or display on or through, the Services. This licence is for the sole purpose of enabling Google to display, distribute and promote the Services and may be revoked for certain Services as defined in the Additional Terms of those Services.”
“You acknowledge and agree that if Google disables access to your account, you may be prevented from accessing the Services, your account details or any files or other content which is contained in your account.”
Seriously man, some perspective please. That’s the part that pisses me off. I mean I get the auto-follow contacts, geo tracking bullshit stuff. I get it. But it’s your choice to use google. If you feel safer with yahoo or hotmail then don’t migrate..stay “safe”…lol.
If and when our secure content is spilled out like a horrific oil tanker disaster, I’ll be the first to pitch the forks and burn down google, trust me. But in this case, I feel like people are crying wolf without knowing what they’re looking at. I wanted to post this in google buzz to hear other people’s dialogue on the subject because I’m open to other perspectives but damn it was just too big (TWSS)!
update: speaking of security nightmares!
OMG. Check this article out about Pete Warden and what's he's about to do with 215 million Facebook profiles! http://www.readwriteweb.com/archives/facebook_user_data_analysis.php
another update: crap, I forgot where I was even going with this initial post. I was responding in response to a critical review from an influential tech personality. Yeah, about that. It's very easy to forget that the majority of us socnet users aren't famous. Half the time, we're lucky if anything we say gets feedback. *tap tap is this thing on?* is the general populations take on things like twitter, blogs, and chat tools. So it's a bit unfair to compare "your" privacy issues and woes with people like us. Yeah, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and top tv personalities might have some trouble using this as it would fill their inbox up overnight.
But even with the whole geotagging feature. I saw someone's house today because of the geotag feature. It was neat, it was innocent. I get the feeling he's not worried anyone is going to come knocking at his door. For those of us who interface in the meta innocently, it's just awesome to have that kind of connection. And yes, you can't be naive. I understand the dangers of exposing your home address but damn if it ain't cool to use that street viewer and ask someone if they plan on changing the color of their shudders in the near future. Sharing doesn't always have to be a dirty word. We're not all out to get you and your precious information...it's a shame that shit exists...so much lost potential.
I often wonder if the reviewer even thought much about the implications of buzz or even just the technology of "friendfeed" integrated into your mail service. It really does answer a lot of the problems we have with the antiquated format of communication called e-mail. We communicate differently. Just think about it... is e-mail even your primary source of communication via the web? Not for me for sure. We don't write letters anymore, it's often too cumbersome to mind dump, instead we opt more for conversations. E-mail should be treated more like open-ended conversations. Technology has advanced us the tools for this but maybe not everyone has fully adapted yet? Google buzz gives me the ability to have those flexible, flowing conversations rather than rigid one to one exchanges.
Occasionally, I dream really, really hard and when I wake up it takes me awhile to figure out which reality is real. Last night, most of my dream consisted of a mall, a lost bag, searching, shower, nakedness, legs, a concert/parade/rally, and weird baby/dog people.
I knew two people in my dream from real life but most were made up people with distinct personalities. There was this one girl who I think I borrowed heavily from the movie Whip it because she was super funky but her parents wouldn’t let her go out to this really amazing concert. OR maybe that was me in HS I was projecting into the girl. lol.
I don’t usually carry purses/bags but it was me in the mall who had lost my bag. I remember losing right after I was in this shoe store and realized there were twenty live hidden cameras in the store trying to film this famous person who was standing near me. I ran out of the store but then realized I had lost the bag which apparently was super expensive. I then spent what seemed like an eternity trying to locate the bag all the while every store in the mall I passed seemed to be a candy/icecream/cake shop. It was very distracting.
The shower scene was odd. It involved a RL friend of mine who I was just hanging out with and we had to get ready for something. The room turned into a shower and the next thing I know I’m just casually showering in an open stall and so is he. There was absolutely nothing sexual about it. In fact, he was trying to be funny and swish his thingy around like I saw in the pool scene in the movie Kids. I was laughing so hard. Then a friend I only know online comes in and starts talking to us as well. He’s a bit surprised I’m there, like I probably didn’t belong there because I didn’t have a penis. I sometimes suspect my mind has convinced itself it’s a boy.
I think the leg bit has to do with the fact that I took a bunch of photos of me with my new thigh high socks I like to wear under my PJ pants. I have two type of socks I love wearing. I either like the super high ones or the expensive form fitting ones you usually wear when you go hiking. I have this phobia of my socks falling off while I’m sleeping and waking up with bare cold feet. The higher the sock, the less likely it can fall off during the night. Anyhow, last night I had crazy paranoia about my sock picture folder being posted accidentally so I think that’s why I had a good chunk of my dream dedicated to legs. This is my theory anyhow. The funny thing was that it involved some chick who constantly had to use this spray hose to wash her legs off. Dreams are weird, don’t ask.
The baby/dog thing was probably the most fucked up part because this woman was super sick but pregnant. For some reason she didn’t want to give birth to it because it was some kind of hybrid dog baby thingy. I think the baby thing came from the fact that this girl I’ve been following online for the past 10 years just had a baby. She doesn’t even know me and I just started to comment on her flickr photos like a few months ago but otherwise, we have zero relations. Oddly enough, she’s probably the closest thing to a person I have a vested interest in who has had a kid. She just gave birth like two days ago and I find it surreal that I’m genuinely excited for her. And I get to now follow her new life with the kid (I know, I sound like a freaky stalker at this point). Anyhow, her baby looks nothing like a dog. But the woman in my dream had a bizarre family that was all up in arms about her sickness and the state of the baby. When it came out, it wasn’t as odd as you might think. The woman barely survived and I remember her family like all huddled next to her like vultures.
And then I woke up.
Every time I’m headed out the door to do stuff, it begins to rain. It started the day before yesterday and has continued through today. It’s a bit annoying because I really love the rain so long as I’m indoors.
Yesterday, I had to venture out to submit plans to the City Permit office for my work. In the city of Austin, you have to personally hand deliver everything for permitting. You can’t just mail it in because I guess that would be too convenient.
You know how you see architects in the movies and they are walking around with those sexy rolls of drawings under their arms? It’s not like that in reality. In reality, those things are a minimum of 8lbs. In my case, I was carrying three copies of eighty page set in addition to two more sets I got the next day. It must have weighed 20lbs. It sucks. And people who say lift with your knees can go suck it. I’m lucky if I can get the fucking thing off the ground let alone what I lift with… I’m surprised my knees didn’t pop out of the sockets. I have like zero muscle mass.
Oddly enough, the guy I was handing the drawings off to was pure muscle mass. He was this medium height black dude with an upper body built like a super hero action figure. It was weird because his lower half looked super slim. Sexy arms though. He picked those drawings up like they were straws.
Unfortunately, there is so much red tape involved with the permitting office. I can’t even go into how annoying the whole process is and how many times you have to put yourself back in que to sometimes just talk to the person in the next cube. Long, already boring story short, I ended up having to get back in line to talk to the permit application woman. After waiting like thirty minutes, she finally came to see me and took me to her cubicle.
Inside, the cubicle is pretty boring and basic materials. However, all along her walls were these oddities that hinted she had a strong underlying sense of decadence that extended beyond the straight jacket world of the permitting office. She had a popular all girl car club poster up as well as several sci-fi musical shows and female roller derby signs. She even had this story posted up in her cube for people like me to be able to read while waiting around. I’ll post it at the end of this post but it’s not your normal “prayer” or “be good to humanity” stories you usally read in those cubicles.
Her appearance also nodded to her subculture sway. She had one of those retro chic haircuts that was died black and bangs cut short and curled under. I could tell she had several tattoos despite the fact she was wearing a cardigan jacket.
I actually looked her up on myspace just to see if my suspicions were right and sure enough she did belong to a group on the wall. And all this would have added to my delight to interact with this woman but for the fact that she was stone cold. She acted so annoyed with me while we were walking through the permit process of the project in question and would barely look me in the eye (she was too busy rolling it).
I just didn’t get it. I guess she dismissed me as a drone child and thus treated me like one? All that subtext of a more interesting person underneath and not a drop of warmth. So of course I started fantasizing about her internal neurosis to try and wrap my head around it. My guess was that she’s one of those people who join subcultures not to make a niche within her own kindred but rather for the reason you see faux nerdy, fake gaming, tech poser actors and actresses in the Geek culture. I know it’s cynical, but I think it’s true. A lot of these small fishes in big ponds like to migrate to the smaller ponds to make themselves look bigger.
That’s my analogy for this woman. She’s one of those posers who fronts with her friends that she’s part of an alternative lifestyle but in reality she’s a Queen B drone in disguise. Of course, this is just my hateful fantasy I projected on to her because she treated me so poorly. lol. Maybe she was just having a bad day and I’m the asshole. Probably.
I just never get people who are in the service department who make zero effort to be nice. They are in the service industry for godsakes. They have the opportunity to make a small part of someone’s day nice and pleasant. Such is the world I guess. I sighed when I left and was glad to be back in the rain honestly. It was more cheerful than in that building. I guess this is why my father is always telling me to smile more. Our shells project more than our existence, they effect moods.
This was the story attached to the wall of the cubicle:
The love story of Ralph and Edna.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays soundmindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'
I kind of freaked out when I went to look at my Spendature Analysis of my credit card. It seemed all excessive when you look at it all at once. I kept going OMG, I spent X amount of dollars at this place and how did I spend X amount here!!!?
In reality, it's not too bad. I spent about 30% of what I make per year which I was told isn't too bad. I don't pay cash for anything so except for my mortgage this is my full expenditure for the year of 2009.
I definitely see places I can cut costs though. I have way too many "extra services" charges for misc things here and there and I really need to stay the fuck away from Bed Bath and Beyond!! It's my credit card's arch nemesis apparently. LOL. Actually, I don't think it'd be that high if it weren't for the fact that the new house created a need for more household knick knacks.
The top 3 Merchandise Vendors were Bed Bath and Beyond, Amazon.com, and Wal-Mart (Blizzard Entertainment was #7)
The top 3 Services charges went to T-Mobile, AC repair, and Home Inspections (from buying/selling a house last year)
I have no idea why Education is listed because that slice of the pie was from buying six John Mayer tickets. And the Government charges were UPS and Fed Ex shipping.
According to the chart, eating is low in my list of spending priorities. hahaha. But that's false because I spend quite a bit of money on groceries at Super Wal-Mart from time to time.
I'm going to spend this weekend purging re-occurring charges for services I don't need anymore. Goodbye Live Journal account! Woot. I have now saved 20 bucks for the whole year! Done!
Listening to Sleepless in Seattle on listentoamovie.com while working. I forgot how much I loved this movie the first time I saw it. I thought it was so endearing that the whole movie revolved around a romance between two people who had never met. They never meet until the end of the movie.
Of course this type of idealized relationship and pairing is complete bullshit but it’s a nice little fantasy. I never believe there is this person out there that’s your magical perfect mate, I don’t know many people who do. I believe in circumstances, compromise, and convenience. NOT at all romantic but very practical. Still, it’s nice to allow your head to go to that mystical place where dreams are possible.
I really like the quiet and quirky nature of both the main characters. I used to love Meg Ryan before she swore off romantic comedies and then got her face muddled with plastic surgery. I never understand actors that turn their backs on the genres they are really awesome at in order to prove themselves to be serious at their profession. Hell, it’s all about entertainment so who cares if you can star in a drama or a comedy?
Anyhow…The whole movie is about a possibility that always exists in all of us to chase after a dream that we wish was there. The danger in this is that often, that dream doesn’t exist in reality and it’s hard to shake that growing up. As I got older and older, it became harder and harder to swallow the fact that opportunities of who I’d be were getting smaller. I used to have these totally crazy and elaborate fantasies as to what I’d be doing in my future life.
I certainly never thought I’d end up as a recluse with all passion drained from me. I thought I’d be a fancy architect living in New York or a bohemian film maker traveling all over Europe in the name of public art! I dreamed of a slew of friends and wonderful people I’d meet and all the awesome places I’d end up seeing.
Instead, I lived a very safe life. It’s nice, cozy, and a strong investment for my future. And I’m not a kid anymore and I realize you have to grow up and start taking on responsibilities and stop dreaming up a life you’ll never live. But every once in awhile, it’s quite nice to open up at the lock box of fantasies and have the cliché moment of “what if?”
I woke up today with a sore throat and a massive headache. I recently discovered the probable cause for my ailing health this winter. Cedar Fever. Apparently this year is worse than others. Between December to February is when the Cedar Mountain Trees are hurling their pollen into the air. They say the pollen clouds coming off the trees are so thick they look like smoke.
And yay for me, Cedar pollen is one of the most horrific allergen in this area. And even better, I’m now surrounded by Cedar trees!
Everyone around here that I talk to seems to be really suffering badly. In addition to the usual allergy symptoms like itchy, watery, red eyes, itchy runny nose, scratchy throat and sneezing, you also get lethargy and malaise plaguing you. It’s the fatigue of always being sick that makes you want to give up on life.
I was reading a website on all these tips for controlling Cedar Fever Season. Found out my dog is probably one of the biggest culprits as she brings in pollen dust every time she enters the house from outside. I do my best to wipe her down but I’m not sure if it helps much. I have to wash my sheets often and vacuum a lot too.
I never wanted to be a bubble girl so much in my life.
It’s crazy when I did research on how the pollen works and it makes me wonder if it wouldn’t be possible for plants to kill us one day like in that movie “The Happening”…. because these damn juniper plants are just about killing me and I barely ever head outdoors. I doubt I’ll be doing any outdoor activities until after February.