Chapter 30: Isolation

I used to be close to a few people and they were a pretty big constant in my life. My brother, my high school guy friends, and a few really good meta mates.

Lately however, there has been a huge disconnect for me from everyone. This utter stagnation in my ability to establish intimate bonds with my previous group has left me feeling utterly isolated. I feel totally cut off and I'm not even sure how it happened.

They say you make what ever relationship you want and you invest in it heavily if you want good returns. I was a firm believer in this for quite awhile. If you make an effort to keep your connections strong, they'll remain strong.

This line of thinking however does not factor in the part where:

1) people can't relate to you anymore

2) you can't relate to them anymore

3) someone fundamentally changes which results in 1 or 2.

Because of the mass loss of people I can reach an intimate connection with, I'm beginning to suspect it must be me. Something has changed in me drastically over the last 3 years. Maybe I needed more depth or maybe it was a combination of just growing apart and me no longer making valiant efforts to sustain the relationship?

It's hard to really tell without maybe discussing it with someone I've moved away from...and even then, they might not be sure either. I wonder if I'm beginning to disappear.

Not having a solid base is very, very unsettling.

Chapter 29: Moral Badge

*this chapter has been lost*

Chapter 28: Gender Box

 mens_fashion_25 I've been doing a lot of faux shopping lately. It means I'm basically window shopping online without actually buying anything. I do this a lot when I'm stressed out and lost. I sort of try to help myself sort out my identity through desires and tastes.

I noticed some significant changes in my styles. All through school and into office life and trying to do social things, I've always noticed I've tried to fit the girl mold. It had never felt natural to me but I tried very hard to make it me.

You see the girls around you and you want to fit in, you want to conform to the idea of feminine and sexy. There is something about their general confidence in this style that is alluring and so I strived to gain that as well.

But it never, ever fit. I hated wearing dresses and always thought I looked like a monkey playing dress up every time I tried. I always hated formal events and weddings because I was forced to put on the uniform of the feminine sexuality.

mestyleI remember one summer, I was so annoyed that I had to dress to a wedding when all my guy friends could wear slacks and a nice shirt. I rebelled that day and put on dress shorts and a blouse. BOY did I get an earful that day about "proper lady attire."

My body type is very gender neutral but I think my tastes are far more masculine than feminine. I like the sort of brash, solid, and bulkier forms of the male styles of clothes and jewelry. I remember being made fun of a lot in school because I would wear a man's Cassio watch but I hated the petite female version of it so I picked up the guy's version instead.

I also wore a lot of my father's polo shirts and slacks in the beginning of High School and remembered feeling very inadequate. I would then borrow my girlfriend's clothing to try and look just like them. 

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love female fashion. I just don't love it on me. I wish I did but every time I do it, it feels like playing pretend. Also, I'd like to point out that I am referring to stylistic differences. This isn't about "being comfortable" as it's not like I appreciate sloth-like styles of uber baggy clothes and sloppy-wear.

I'm referring to being able to wear clothing styled to how I feel about myself and not how I think people should feel about me. I think it's okay to not be girly but I'm not sure that most of my peers agree.

leathercuffHowever, now that I'm mostly meta and haven't been influenced as much by a lot of girls around me, I notice that drive to be feminine has faded. I look at the fashions online and I like bold, masculine objects. I like form fitting but not form defining clothing.

I think the general problem is that people want to be able to define you so badly. We all do, even me. Boy, Girl, Sexy, Fat, Ugly, Dirty, Hot, Pretty, Sweet, Elegant, Punk, Glamorous, Lazy. It makes our brain feel better to check off boxes. We love to define. The only problem with systematically creating labels is that sometimes you get trapped in them.