Chapter 27: Caged Birds Sing Sweeter?

*this chapter has been lost*

Chapter 26: Lifesharing

So you're me about 10 years ago and everything is all brand new and shiny and unexplored. You can't wait to get your foot out the door and truly expose who you are. If you're me and a socially awkward child, your means of doing this gravitate towards the meta.

You live for online, you live for sharing yourself online. For years you post pics of yourself, your activities, and all you dark creepy thoughts into the void. You're not sharing to anyone in particular but just archiving who you are at the time to some online unlimited storage space.

Fast forward about six years and you decide you're going to make this podcast based on a video game you love. All the sudden protecting your RL identity matters and you don't want people getting an uncut version of you. You're trying to stake out your territory and you don't want your homoerotic fantasies getting in the way of that vision. lol.

What do you do? You stupidly erase every last bits of the last six years of yourself off the face of the meta and go into the witness protection program. WHY? Just so people won't judge you for the wrong reasons only they end up doing it anyhow and so it was all for not! The one thing I got out of it though was proving that I could make a podcast work and being purely meta.

Present day. I want my life back... online. Over the last four years, there's so much I've wanted to share and be open about but have been keeping everything to myself. So where do you begin?

Well, A LOT of methods of life sharing have changed since I was a life sharer. New tools and new media to do the things I used to host myself. So where does one begin?

1) Go back to your roots - start mind dumping. I used to love Live Journal because of their desktop client. I'm all about being to just open up an app and start writing. A shame I can't find one for blogger because it's now my blog host of choice.

2) Get all my photo albums out of the safety deposit box and back on the web. share share share. I ended up choosing flickr because of its prominent widgets and stream effect ordering.

3) Keep trying to wrap my head around all the tools to advance life sharing and find ways to consolidate them.

Chapter 25: Empty

I'm not that old but I'm not a kid either. In terms of my attitude, I've always been really young at heart. I never cared for the idea of growing up and being mature and "above" everything else.

I believe experiences and age does make you wiser but that doesn't entitle you to stamp yourself as "well done"... I don't think you get to be done, not until you're dead or your mind goes.

But you grow up in a society that convinces you that there's only one winning mold. You gotta be like this or you FAIL. And I think for someone like me, having tried to shove myself into that mold for so long has been FAIL. It's just not me.

My brother would probably say, "you're being abnormal for the sake of being abnormal." He thinks I'm all "nonconformity for nonconformity sake."

But I know what feels comfortable for me and it's not this shell of a life everyone else casts themselves in. This isn't home. And I think my latest onslaught of despair has been from me standing in this world full of contentment and feeling unbearably alone. WHY am I the only one unhappy?

I sat at my desk two nights ago just crying from frustration. Look at my life. It's fucking awesome. I've got parents who live for their children, a brother who I'm close with, extremely loyal friends, and I'm with a guy who probably loves me more than any other person in the world possibly could.

What's wrong with me? And after sitting there for an hour or two, it started to hit me. It's not that I'm not loved or that my life isn't full of nice things. Maybe my issue lies with the perceived me that these people love and the perceived life I live. Maybe the heart of the sadness is that it's not really me.

I'm very disconnected from everyone lately because of this. I have almost always lived my life for everyone else around me. I wanted to be the good daughter, the great sister, and the best friend. When you continue to dress yourself up in other people's ideals, it's very easy to lose track of who you really are...or if you even existed at all...maybe all you are is just an idea of what people wanted.

And let me tell you..the thought that I'm empty really has had me reeling for days now.

All those years, all this time, who am I?

And it's not like I can go all tabula rasa on my life at this point. I'm pretty sure I wouldn't even want to if I could. Regardless of how I feel now or what I know now, I'm still that molded idea. It's very solid and has little flexibility now. Plus, how do you even begin to find something from nothing?...

Chapter 24: Qwitter

So I discovered today that Qwitter isn't such a good idea. First, I'm not sure I care if people lose interest in what I have to say. Most of what anyone has to say is of little meaning unless you actually have a vested interest in the person.

"Iron Council down! rune of death pwns face! fun times. good raid tonight"

That seems like a reasonable post by a WoW podcaster right? Or did I get something wrong? OH! That's right, WoW podcasters don't actually PLAY WoW!

Anyhow that one post had seven people stop following me immediately. I was a bit baffled. If anything, I thought I would have lost followers from my Gay Rights retweet post earlier. NOPE. Apparently Raid Progress is more taboo than political/religious beliefs! lol.

I thought about disabling Qwitter but now I'm a bit more curious as to what interest people and what doesn't. As I lean more towards revealing my RL side, how many people lose interest in my meta/wow side OR vise versa.

Chapter 23: Declutter

So I just got done talking to a "professional stager" as we're looking to put our house on the market very soon. I didn't want to have one come out as I'm pretty good at staging things myself. However, our Realtor really recommended we do it as staged houses sell at a much faster rate.

So let me save you all guys $125 dollars.

Yeah. I knew she was gonna say that. It's like a really key rule in all staged photos of spaces. You want all the knick knacks gone and out of site.

*Pretty much move all your "junk" into storage.
*Remove all personal photos and things with your name on them. You want to generalize the space but keep furniture and decor so people can imagine themselves living in the space.
* neutralize wall colors (bye bye green wall!)
*all rugs and bath mats gone as they bring the space down.
*all bathroom/shower/counter tops cleared save for decor.
*don't over clutter when decorating.
*clean all fixtures

I can't believe I paid this chic to come in and tell me all this. She tried to sell me the premium package too which would have cost up to 300 dollars. I was like, unless you're gonna do the "decluttering" for me, there's no way I'm paying that much to have you take notes and re-inspect my cleaning job. I feel like I just got robbed.

Chapter 22: Obsession

Have you ever had an obsession with someone or something to the point of debilitating madness. I get these once in a blue moon. It sometimes feels like you're heart has completely absorbed your brain and no logic will talk you down.

You know it's going to pass soon enough, eventually whatever chemical imbalance has washed through your brain waves will cleanse themselves out. However, until that time, your head is left reeling, spinning. It cycles over and over again replaying your obsessive thoughts like a broken record.

Each time, the same waves of highs and lows flutter through your entire body like gusts of wind, some gentle and others completely knock you down. And while this can have its moments of total ecstasy, for the most part you're in agonizing pain. You just want it to end...

Chapter 21: Home

How much of your life is TMI and how much is just a touch too vague? I used to share it all. I miss that. But a part of me thinks the people who know me now just don't need that much access to my life.

Four years ago, this blog would entail my outing with the Realtor today which would probably include pics and descriptions of the homes we visited. It was a great day. I might have found my new dream home. It's a lovely two story home, completely brand new that sits on an acre of land.

We also visited three other properties which didn't really make my heart stop at all. For me, my home, my room, my space is very sacred. I spend so much of my time inside my house that how I feel in it is extremely important to me.

When I first thought of becoming an Architect, the only thing that connected me to the profession was the idea of manipulation through building. You can ultimately effect someone physically and emotionally by design. I truly believe that. However, in this country, very few investors are willing to put in the cash to make that a reality. It all go so depressing watching the art of spacial and building manipulation turn into big box productions.

Can you imagine the ability to turn stone, concrete, wood, and other structural materials into emotional triggers? I imagine that sense of control and power architects of the 16th and 17th centry must have felt. Patrons who paid such massive amounts of wealth to have structures constructed to awe and overwhelm the senses.

And the most bizzare thing today was that I sort of found myself laughing inside. Surely I can't have found my dream house on the first try? Who does that? And then the sadness sort of hits me. As solitary as my life is, even if I do get this house, I'll once again be alone in the sharing of it.