Chapter 19: You Get What you Deserve

Did I do a cruel thing? I guess I'll never really fully understand my motives for publishing the episode. I will be haunted by it forever. And nothing anyone can say will make me feel worse than what I put my own emotions through. I am very hard on myself when it comes to being introspective.

I'll tear myself down much harder than anyone ever could. And to think that I might have consciously hurt someone so badly. That's something that will eat me up inside for a very long time. And nothing is going to take that back. You make mistakes. You have to live with them. And while I could take it down and put up yet another apology, the truth is the damage is done.

And while I could sit there and fight him on yet another one of his string of lies and accusations that he never gave me permission blah blah blah. I honestly don't care anymore. He has every right to pick at me and hurl hatred at me. I deserve it for what I must have put him through. I deserve it all.

You summon Godzilla by taunting him, you deserve to get your city burned and crushed. I'm only sorry I didn't have the foresight to come to this realization earlier.

Chapter 18: Trapped in my Mind

Lately I've been completely depressed. I don't know what it is. It's nothing in particular I suppose. I guess I just feel this overwhelming sense of loneliness.

It's not that I don't have people around me. In fact, lately, I've been keeping myself in conversations and talking to people constantly. But just because you're around people doesn't make you feel less lonely.

The problem is that I'm not free to say the things I want to say sometimes. I'm trapped by not having any real confidants to confide in and so I keep everything to myself..the real things I want to say and feel. I have to become this storm inside myself while projecting the most clear and calm exterior.

It's not that anything I'm feeling or need to say is even remotely profound. On a local scale, it might register as a 3, and on a global scale it doesn't even qualify for a 1 rating.

My problems, my concerns, the things that torture me inside aren't that important. I just mostly long for a real connection. A person who would actually care about my most mundane, minute moments of angst and most mundane, minute moments of joy.

And the part I think that does depress me greatly is that there just isn't another human being who could live inside my head nor would I ever expect there to be. And so I'm sort of like my own living prison of thoughts and confusion.

Even more so depressing is the idea that I want to get away from myself. And when you don't even like yourself and you want to escape from yourself, what does this say about others? I just don't belong to myself and it depresses me to no end.