I think I spent a lot of time when I was younger trying to visualize my future. I always wanted to know the shape, feel, and look of my Tomorrow. And I was rarely satisfied with my Todays.

I’m not sure why I’m so obsessed with trying to control my future so much. It’s not like it’s something you can really ever get a handle on and it’s certainly never quite the product you spend so much time molding it to be. In other words, I set myself up for disappointment all the time.

But often now I wonder if I just don't have some kind of mental incapacity for happiness or sustaining a mentally stable mindset. Most of the time now I find myself searching for an answer I thought I'd find on this side of the mirror. And the thought that terrifies me the most is wondering if I'll ever find it.

It's the never ending mental loops and never finding an answer that troubles me the most these days. Shouldn't you know by now is the question I find myself asking over and over again.

Some days I’m borderline normal and I can sort of pretend like I resemble my former self and other days I’m just about to hit bottom. It’s strange how I used to be able to escape from the RL into the meta but now escaping just seems stupid. And I find that I really miss any sort of grounding.

This will make me sound loopy but I sometimes regret not going to see a professional awhile back when I started to hit bottom more often than normal. If it turns out that I’m simply mental then I’ll be really pissed at myself for wrecking my life for something that could be solved with some pills. You know?

So right now I’m sort of playing this game called spin the bottle on the future because the OCD (obsessive compulsive) method of planning and expectations just doesn’t seem to yield the results I want. I don’t know what I want and worse, I don’t know who I am. This next year I think will be a lot of running into walls, falling into potholes, and wandering around aimlessly.


chewyfruitloop said...

I don't think its just you who wants to work out what tomorrow will look like, I just think your seems more uncertain to you at the moment. Thats totally understandable though. Once you get a grip of things, I think you'll be able to visualise where tomorrow may take you, rather than the fog which seems to be there now.

I don't think your unstable, your in one of those troughs that people hit sometime. Perhaps happiness is going to be something else now your parameters have changed on your life. You can probably lay a safe bet that they'll change again sometime in the future too.

As for your mental loops, I think you need to have a change, do something you never normally do, just to break them....well its worth a go...
I don't think theres a pill to solve things though. For people with real mental issues perhaps, but I don't think your a total nut ball yet, just a bit more loopy like the rest of us.

As for escaping to the meta....thats what its there for, I can't think of anyone who would think anything of it if you came online and had a proper bitching session about everything, hell I'm constantly doing it XD

If it helps, though I'm not sure this is help...I have no idea what shape tomorrow will be, I never imagined I'd be here with 2 kids and in laws to look after, and I have no idea how to make it past the end of the day, I just let it happen now.
I used to get incredibly stressed out about things, but then I try to let worries go now, they profit nobody in the end. People think its being blasé, but it gets me though until tomorrow.

here if you want a screaming session any time

btw welcome to the club http://www.flickr.com/photos/chewy_fruit_loop/4760543701/in/set-72157624089767843/

tfangel said...

"I don’t know what I want and worse, I don’t know who I am."

You can't really know what you want until you know who you are.

I learned that from Babylon 5. ;)

Anonymous said...

"This next year I think will be a lot of running into walls, falling into potholes, and wandering around aimlessly."

*sigh* welcome to my reality...

Brian V. (aka Spurlock) said...

Would it be wrong to make a comment about wanting to fill your pothole? :D

Hang in there.


Strumpet said...

The amount of times I've changed my mind about what I want, changed the way tomorrow will look, leaped into the unknown ... is many many many.

The mental loops is probably something you have to give up.

I think if you were to go see a professional, they would be able to help you deal with the mental loops, but in the end, I don't think that they could have made you happy with a situation that you weren't happy in. A pill doesn't fix that.

What talking to someone CAN do (if you trust them, and they are good - there are a lot of quacks pushing pills out there) - what it CAN do, is help you get out of the loop process and think in a more productive way.

Anyway, that's my two cents from England.

I can't help but think you should be here.

mon said...

Some of us, for whatever reasons, have "different" coping skills than others. And we also have a tendancy to make up for what we lack by creating VERY complicated and unique coping mechanisms, sometimes with undesirable results. I've been "struggling" with "crap" since my teenage years. Sometimes I feel like I've made no headway in my struggles. Other times I can see my triumphs quite clearly.

It sounds like your way of dealing has existed since you were very young... and no doubt it will take a long time to unlearn everything that's second nature at this point. Of course, it's not impossible.

I've dealt with the meds and will probably continue to deal with them for the rest of my life. The ONE thing I will tell you is that if you're nonfunctional and so depressed that you cannot get out of it, or are drifting to thoughts of dying, ABSOLUTELY go see a psychiatrist or doctor. If anything, the meds will help to just lift you out of that depression so you can start working on whatever you need to.

No, meds will not fix things... but they can help you have a clearer mind, a more subtle level of anxiety or whatever, so that you CAN focus on the root of the problem.

I hope this is a little bit helpful. It's hard to really know what another person is going through without truly spending time with them, watching, listening, etc. But you're saying things that sort of hit a nerve with me and make me, well, concerned. I hope I'm not over the line here.

mon said...
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