Sometimes I wish I believed in a higher power or maybe even just someone who I trusted to know better than me. When you live so deeply in your head, you assume because you have the power to recognize the problem that you can somehow also fix it.
As you get older, unfortunately, you realize there are less and less people around who would even know how to begin to help you no matter how much they might want to. And it’s kind of frustrating thinking you should be smart enough to figure it out on your own. I mean aren’t we supposed to be intelligent beings?
The problem for me was that I had no clarity standing in the middle of my life in the eye of the storm of my troubled head. And it’s true, nearly destroying my life dragging it through the storm has gained me quite a bit of clarity but now I’m not sure how to fix it or if I’ll ever be able to on my own. Sure it's more quiet I guess in my head but I feel more numb to the world than ever.
I never wanted to disappear so much in my life like a rabbit in a hat.
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3 comments:
I might be part of that unhelpful group you allude to, even though i mean right, but one of the biggest and best understandings I ever learned in life was that you can't fix it. It's not something to be fixed like a chair or a table.
Whatever you experience, good or bad, hard or easy, IS life.
The best you can do is steer it and nudge it in some directions, learn about some new routes, and experience where they lead to. Some choices lead to happiness, some don't, but at the very least you can learn from it all to mentally live in a better place.
Your Mental living space is where are you can upgrade and improve upon but intelligence doesn't mean all-knowing. It's not like I should feel dumb because I don't personally know how to speak Latin. Or Chinese. Or Japanese. Or Russian. I still think I am intelligent.
Besides, I don't think you give yourself enough credit. Sure - you might feel lost and at a low point right now, but it's not like you inadvertently murdered the entire human race or something and need to live in this large pool of irreversible regret. People obviously find value you in you - wither it's your insights, personality, friendship, or just mere existence. It takes an extra special person to see the level of detail you do and find appreciation in things most would ignore.
At least you are thinking and looking. Give yourself the credit in that. Unexpectedly someone, something, or some place will fill in the blanks.
All we can do is support each other when it gets to much. I don't think anyone can claim to have the solution to make a life run like clockwork. Taking help from people in bits isn't a bad thing.
Your right though it does look clamest in the eye, and you have to survive the walk out before you see the light again. It does get calmer though as you reach the edge...then quite without expectation it's gone...
I don't count myself as an intelligent being, I'm actually very stupid. I suppose I manage by bumbling through the day, if you can get to tomorrow, I hope you'll get to a point you can figure stuff out again.
If you need an idiot I'm over here trying to walk through a wall...
Maybe therenis no right answer - and, scary as it may seem, maybe that's a good thing.
I hope you find some semblance of peace soon - and that you're not forgetting to eat on your wanderings.
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