Processing…Processing…[Life invalid]

You capture a piece of yourself and you try to hold it in your hand without destroying it but you find that’s just not possible. The second we try to secure ourselves is the moment we begin to crush our own wings. That’s the scary thing about life. We just have to let it flutter around and maybe that means only being able to appreciate the beauty of something for a brief moment but trying to hold onto it makes things worse.

Life is organic and wild. I’m sure there’s some kind of complicated algorithm to it but I just know I’ll never figure it out in my lifetime so I’ll just have to chalk it up to being to unpredictable to my insignificant human logic.

Sometimes when the I’m overloaded with things to process I go into my stages of “loops” in which I continually cycle my thought processes over and over again until I start to filter through some clarity. In these cycles are all ranges of scenarios, emotions, and possibilities. I go through the worst case, the best case, the most unrealistic case, and the emotional impact on all ranges of emotions from elated to suicidal. This is how I composite life and I’m not so sure it’s that healthy.

Like I said, it’s like I’m trying to take too much control of my own life. It was how I was raised. You plan for the worse, expect the best, and somehow your plans for life just roll out accordingly but as I’ve learned, this is not reality. It may have worked for the previous generation but it doesn’t seem to work for this one... Things move too fast, information inflation changes our perspective not on a yearly or monthly basis but I’d say hourly.

Because so many things have changed so quickly in my life in the past two months, I’ve found that I’ve been every which way lost. I can’t simply return to how things were and yet I’m not prone to cower in my own sense of self destruction either. I have to figure out who I am sans the dream of the girl I used to be or tried to be.

I need a sabbatical, a way to change my perspective and look at everything differently. Nothing fits here anymore and continuing to go through the motions just make me drift further into the darkness of my mind. I’m a little mad that I can’t return to my place, especially here in the meta but my RL requires a lot of reworking first.

All my loops have returned a [Life Invalid] response and I need a serious reboot before I crash into a permanent blue screen.


chewyfruitloop said...

Life not invalid

Test case has misdefined parameters

Getting from here to there its nice to have a plan, I normally make one, then discard it the first time the situation invalidates it.

You've been stomped on by the universe recently, and I respect the efforts you've made to pull yourself through.

You don't have to be anyones opinion of you, just be you. Eventualy you'll catch up with yourself, until then try not to think of yourself as lost.
Be who you have to be until your in a place you make sence to yourself again.

Your friends won't leave you.
Those of us who can't be there with you, will still support you.
Its hard to see you in so much turmoil, I continue to hope you find a way to your place in the world again.

Rambely your friend for as long as you wish it so

Anonymous said...

well said, chewy, and seconded.

thoughts of good will and strength are directed toward you.


Kriseb said...

I stand by what Chewy and Syntychus said. We're here for you, and thinking good will towards you.

MtB said...

ups and downs and ups and downs... this is life...

humans are interesting beings. we take good things as granted and when something bad happens we spent to much time and resources about thinking the reasons and how and why and all that nonsense simply has no effect or fix what was happened.

of course making an honest critic of the situation might be a good idea to avoid to repeat the same thing / mistake again in the future. but trust me on this one, it is waste of time to exaggerate it. wake up, take a deep breath and continue to live your life the way you want.

if you do remember, i have briefly shared my past with you when we first met, and i still have things on my past which keeps me awake during the nights. the things i've did, the things i can not fix, and bad things which i am responsible. there is nothing i can do to fix them. so i am trying to continue to live my life and trying to be a decent person.

its not worth it. he is not worth it, she is not worth it... nothing in life worth such effort. because the time we have in this body or soul is very limited. and it is very precious. at this point, with all due respect, i dont agree with chewy. we make our places in life. so stop weening and start remaking your life, your place in life. it will eventually get destroyed over and over and over again. but each time you need to stand up and redo. there is a nice poem of rudyard kipling called "if" you can read it here: please read it, think about it, it makes so much sense and kept me alive on my darkest hours.

i know your wound is fresh and it hurts as hell. all the crap we and all other people are telling you simply making no sense. you are feeling angry, betrayed, stupid, insecure and all the humanly emotions you can feel at the moment. it will take time before you can recover and even though you'll be scarred for the rest of your life. carry your battle scars with proud.

clear your mind.
take a deep breath.
dont think past. its useless, think about tomorrow.
i know it is a bad cliché but its true. tomorrow is a new day.

c'est la vie..