You have your good days and you have your bad days and then there are days like today. It’s hard to explain when you sink so low that you past the point of feeling. I think it’s a defense mechanism of the mind to turn off your emotions before you self-destruct. At this point, nothing matters anymore except breathing through the pain.
I’ve tried to self-analyse myself over and over again. I’ve tried to dissect my life and so that I can reverse engineer happiness into my program. I’ve had little success but today while reading an article about Internet Addiction and Depression, I think I gained some clarity but not how you might think.
I found the article because I was researching a therapist (good luck finding one that isn’t booked for months in this fucked up world) and Dr. Brooks seems well in tune with the culture of a meta-integrated person (cyberpsychology). The article in a nut shell basically states that despite the promise of technology and our ability to connect online, it lacks the ability to make us happy the way real life social interactions can. He says it goes against our biological evolution of being social animals and conflicts with our natural growth as humans via human interaction.
I agree. I get it. I’m not so buried in the meta that I don’t understand the beauty of flesh. There is nothing online that has ever been able to replace the way it feels when your fingertips come in contact with another person’s skin. And no amount of amazing chat convos will ever be able to come close to what it feels like sitting across from someone and watching them laugh and you laughing back and then the look they get when they acknowledge you’re laughing too and on and on.
And so I’m nodding my head and say yeah, that makes sense. But now I’m conflicted. I understood a few months ago that my immersion into the meta had created an instability and imbalance in my life. I was too invested in connections that are to this day still AMAZING, powerful, and wonderful but in the process abandoned and neglected ALL real life interactions.
So I did step away quite a bit. I did take the time to develop time in re-immersing myself into the real world. I traveled, saw incredible things, and spent a lot of time with humans in the flesh. These were all things that should have given me comfort or made me feel alive again..happy even. But it didn’t. I still remained sad and lost.
This has sunken me into further depression as now I really don’t know where my place is in the conscious world of the living. I can’t find solace and my place in either the digital realm or the world of the flesh. Where the hell do I belong? Where will I find stability?
After crashing down and down and down, crying for a few hours, I came to a realization today that maybe no therapist would ever be able to have seen for me. I’m broken. Period. There is nothing anyone is going to be able to say to me or present to me that’s going to make me want to smile when I don’t want to or dance when I just want to disappear. No amount of love is going to make me feel whole. Even the best human connection in the world won’t forever satiate the internal pain that consistently emerges within me.
I simply don’t see a purpose to life. I get that you can make up distractions, give yourself goals but in totality, life just has no meaning to me. And I get so upset when my head goes into this place of indifference. I’m incredibly healthy. I have heartbreakingly beautiful friends both in the meta and real life.
It’s not like I ever have to be want for love or care. I see that. I have the perspective to see all that I should be seeing but for some reason, I’m still crippled. I don’t feel like I belong to this world or to these wonderful connections. I get angry at myself for not being able to get past the sadness to really embrace it to make me happy.
I’m so fucking rational. I have all the puzzle pieces in front of me and yet I can’t make it fit. It’s infuriating. And all I can do is compartmentalize the pain, pretend I’m okay at times, and go through the motions of being normal. I get scared sometimes at how low I get otherwise. At times, only the thought of my brother’s happiness keeps me here.
And the only thing right now that allows me to be distracted, free from pain, and gives me a temporary form of normalcy is creating. When I’m producing, creating, writing or organizing there is a peace that washes over my mind. Digital or RL format, I love to produce and make things. Maybe that’s why I find photography so therapeutic. I noticed that as soon as I start to write or take pictures or audio blog I feel more in sync with my mind. But this frightens me too. I can’t just keep only living in my head. I’m too much into my head and I know that.
But for now my goal will be to set up a schedule to be active in production and creating on a regular basis. Less searching and soaking and more doing like I’ve always gone on and on about.
But who knows, maybe by tomorrow that theory will have failed and I’ll be struggling to unravel the mystery of human misery again.