You have your good days and you have your bad days and then there are days like today. It’s hard to explain when you sink so low that you past the point of feeling. I think it’s a defense mechanism of the mind to turn off your emotions before you self-destruct. At this point, nothing matters anymore except breathing through the pain.

I’ve tried to self-analyse myself over and over again. I’ve tried to dissect my life and so that I can reverse engineer happiness into my program. I’ve had little success but today while reading an article about Internet Addiction and Depression, I think I gained some clarity but not how you might think.

I found the article because I was researching a therapist (good luck finding one that isn’t booked for months in this fucked up world) and Dr. Brooks seems well in tune with the culture of a meta-integrated person (cyberpsychology). The article in a nut shell basically states that despite the promise of technology and our ability to connect online, it lacks the ability to make us happy the way real life social interactions can. He says it goes against our biological evolution of being social animals and conflicts with our natural growth as humans via human interaction.

I agree. I get it. I’m not so buried in the meta that I don’t understand the beauty of flesh. There is nothing online that has ever been able to replace the way it feels when your fingertips come in contact with another person’s skin. And no amount of amazing chat convos will ever be able to come close to what it feels like sitting across from someone and watching them laugh and you laughing back and then the look they get when they acknowledge you’re laughing too and on and on.

And so I’m nodding my head and say yeah, that makes sense. But now I’m conflicted. I understood a few months ago that my immersion into the meta had created an instability and imbalance in my life. I was too invested in connections that are to this day still AMAZING, powerful, and wonderful but in the process abandoned and neglected ALL real life interactions.

So I did step away quite a bit. I did take the time to develop time in re-immersing myself into the real world. I traveled, saw incredible things, and spent a lot of time with humans in the flesh. These were all things that should have given me comfort or made me feel alive again..happy even. But it didn’t. I still remained sad and lost.

This has sunken me into further depression as now I really don’t know where my place is in the conscious world of the living. I can’t find solace and my place in either the digital realm or the world of the flesh. Where the hell do I belong? Where will I find stability?

After crashing down and down and down, crying for a few hours, I came to a realization today that maybe no therapist would ever be able to have seen for me. I’m broken. Period. There is nothing anyone is going to be able to say to me or present to me that’s going to make me want to smile when I don’t want to or dance when I just want to disappear. No amount of love is going to make me feel whole. Even the best human connection in the world won’t forever satiate the internal pain that consistently emerges within me.

I simply don’t see a purpose to life. I get that you can make up distractions, give yourself goals but in totality, life just has no meaning to me. And I get so upset when my head goes into this place of indifference. I’m incredibly healthy. I have heartbreakingly beautiful friends both in the meta and real life.

It’s not like I ever have to be want for love or care. I see that. I have the perspective to see all that I should be seeing but for some reason, I’m still crippled. I don’t feel like I belong to this world or to these wonderful connections. I get angry at myself for not being able to get past the sadness to really embrace it to make me happy.

I’m so fucking rational. I have all the puzzle pieces in front of me and yet I can’t make it fit. It’s infuriating. And all I can do is compartmentalize the pain, pretend I’m okay at times, and go through the motions of being normal. I get scared sometimes at how low I get otherwise. At times, only the thought of my brother’s happiness keeps me here.

And the only thing right now that allows me to be distracted, free from pain, and gives me a temporary form of normalcy is creating. When I’m producing, creating, writing or organizing there is a peace that washes over my mind. Digital or RL format, I love to produce and make things. Maybe that’s why I find photography so therapeutic. I noticed that as soon as I start to write or take pictures or audio blog I feel more in sync with my mind. But this frightens me too. I can’t just keep only living in my head. I’m too much into my head and I know that.

But for now my goal will be to set up a schedule to be active in production and creating on a regular basis. Less searching and soaking and more doing like I’ve always gone on and on about.

But who knows, maybe by tomorrow that theory will have failed and I’ll be struggling to unravel the mystery of human misery again.


Sunryu said...

I understand where you are coming from -- been there myself and still return at times.

It is a result of the over-activity of the mind, as you mention. And it is a downward spiral.

What I've found helps me, and this is counter-intuitive, is spending time meditating. Sure your mind is going to go crazy at first being all alone with just itself. But you will find over time that your mind will begin to calm down... and you will begin to feel better.

I challenge you to try it for 15 minutes a day for a week and see how you feel. No special technique is required. Just sit/lay still and quiet and breath normally. Let your mind go where it will and don't force yourself to stop it. Eventually it will begin to calm by itself.

The meta is not the answer, and I agree it can make things worse.

Hope you feel better and find your way.


Matt said...

I've never found therapy to be all that helpful, even when I've had a responsive therapist. After awhile I began to feel like I needed to show improvement for him, so I started lying about how I was feeling and what I was doing. I stopped going when the pile of lies was just too deep. It's twisted, I know.

I'm still in the wilderness myself, but if I had any advice to give it would be to keep thinking and writing and conversing with others. It's the only way to come to knowledge of one's self.

Anonymous said...

As you know nothing I or anyone else says is going to make you feel better and I am not going to say I understand when I feel it's impossible to understand anyone else's pain bc it is all relative to that person and situation.

Anyway, all I wanted to say is that the description of what you are feeling rings true to me in ways I could never express. I'm not good at explaining things or writing, but word for word I remember feeling that way or at least in a way that your description fits.

Anyway, keep creating. Take a pottery class, something cool like that. I do hope things get "better" or at least more tolerable.

Even though you think it won't help. You'd be surprised on what therapy can do for you. Even if it's a month wait to get in I urge you to check it out. The worst that could happen is you are right and it won't help.

Sending positive thoughts your way.

chewyfruitloop said...

i'm not sure i know what the point is. All I know is I'm here now and tomorrow will work itself out.

there is a point where you get so low that the way out is obscured, you just have to bumble along as best you can until you find it again.

your right, you are biologically hard wired to be with other people. the act of simply being able to touch someone can lift you more than all the words in the world. Yet you also need somewhere that you can let down your mask for a while and be yourself.

I don't know what your out is, but I know what it isn't. You can't just give up, even though it seems pointless.

Theres is a point to your life, just because you haven't got to that chapter where all is revealed yet, doesn't mean its not there. Stop trying to read the last page first.

I think you need to find a way right now to just being here. You can't change the past, and the future will happen whether your ready for it or not. Its really easy for me to say stop thinking so hard and let things unfold. I also know you can't do that, yet.

I think getting picking up you camera again will bring some relief to you. Your pictures always made you happier, why not see if you can get some of that back.

If your willing to hang on, I will goad you on

ElJeppy said...

Having experienced incredibly low moments in my own life I'm aware of that sense of disconnected numbness that can result.

The question 'does it matter if I am here or not?' nags at the mind and needs to be answered.

Well here is the answer - YES!

Perhaps creation is the point of life.

For some this may be little packets of genes. For others works of light and texture.

One of the major cons of the meta is (and this may sound silly) feedback.

Our biology seems set to feed of the physical and doesn't gain as much from the virtual.

OK now I am rambling but I figured the stuff above was better than just typing 'cock'

(or perhaps not)

mon said...

I wasn't going to post this comment, but since you're being so honest maybe I shouldn't be scared to be honest either.

There's so much I want to tell you and wish I could ask you...I know what depression is like, to feel broken, to feel like life has no meaning, to feel numb and lost. I've lay broken on linoleum floors in never ending tears with that desire to die just so the pain can all lift away.


I don't know if you're still considering meds but your physician can prescribe antianxiety/antidepression meds until you can get into seeing a therapist or phychiatrist. I NEVER used to be pro medication, but as I've gotten older and my episodes have gotten worse, I realized that they are sometimes necessary. And sadly that does seem to be a pattern - worse bouts and symptoms the older we get.

It's good that you want to create - it gives you a calm and sense of peace. Crafting/photography/baking/gardening/etc are all therapeutic and I don't think you have to worry about the idea that by concentrating on your photography, for example, you're not going to be dealing with your problems. I think you're too introspective for that to happen, as well as you're realizing a lot of things at this time. In fact, it may be a method for thinking things through in a way where you won't become overwhelmed.

this seems a ridiculous saying until you realize how hard it can be:
Hang in there, luv.

Strumpet said...

Alachia -

You matter. You matter to me very very very much.

That being said, I know how useless it is to say "I've been there", because right now you feel that no one can possibly come out of feeling the way you do now.

But we (because obviously there are many of us) HAVE been very very low. Still get very very low. And we blunder through it. We struggle with ourselves and our thoughts.

I sometimes think it is the downside of having a creative and intelligent mind. You analyze too much, and all of a sudden, you're in the 'hole' as I call it.

Some people have said therapy doesn't work. For me it did.

It' worth a shot.

And, for what it's worth, it does sound like your seratonin levels are WAY low ... if you don't want to try meds, try taking some melatonin at night (it's in the health food store), or some 5-HTP, both of which are natural hormones that increase seratonin production.

Much love.

Peteicus_X said...

Ian E. said...

I've given the concepts of purpose and meaning a great deal of thought over the years. In this endeavor I came to understand that I am an existentialist. We are alone in an indifferent or uncaring universe, one without some grand scheme or purpose. To that end -- it is up to every single person to come up with their own reason for continued existence.

One a purely biological level our "purpose" is to breed. Continue the species. We have a biological imperative to do so (see the email I just sent you). But life needs more than that. Finding what that is is the key.

As for myself -- my purpose is to be Awesome, and then pass that spark of awesome onto children. I cannot explain all of what that would entail (the former part anyway), but it consumes my life. And figuring out what it means to be Awesome is part of the point.

As far as yourself -- do you have meaning? Yes. No one lives in a vacuum. Even if you cannot see your own purpose, the very fact that you have touched so many lives both in the meta and IRL is a purpose. If you were to die tomorrow, at the very least your family would mourn (be devastated?). Sometimes just existing is purpose enough. Although, you do far more than just merely exist. You burn with a passion I envy.

But, perhaps you'll never find an ultimate purpose. Some people don't. But that's not always the point. Most of the time it's merely the JOURNEY, the attempt to find the purpose that is important.