Ice Queen

“Sometimes I wish I could allow myself to be more human.” Yeah, so I tweeted that and meant to expand on it but exceeded my 140 character limit too swiftly.

I’m an incredibly analytical person. For years and years I’ve fine-tuned the art of intellectual back loops and theory crafting life in my head. It’s rare that I do anything that I haven’t already run through six test loops beforehand. Even when I do express slight emotions of joy or excitement, you can believe those are programmed to some degree.

I hate it. I once had a friend who would refer to me as the Ice Queen. As much as it stung to hear that, I wonder if there isn’t quite a bit of truth to it. I’ve spent so long fine tuning the art of suppressing my emotions. It frustrates people around me to no end.

“I can’t tell what you’re thinking.” “Are you mad?” “Do you care?”

@Jeppy told me awhile ago that people get scared of me easy. I kind of thought he was talking out of his ass and didn’t believe him at all. Then three other people admitted they were afraid of me and then I was like “fuck, Jeppy was right?”

It’s true, I’m not fluent in emotions. I’m good at expressing excitement or amusement. I am not good at expressing that I care about people though. I’ve gotten so that I don’t even have the ability to show own my family I love them so you can imagine how handicap I am with friends.

People close to me say I am cold and indifferent to the large part of the world around me. The reality is that I feel a lot, it’s just that by the time they bypass all my logic filters, the only thing left of an emotion is a mild smile.

If this is a defense mechanism, I want to disable it and try being more human for awhile. I just don’t know where the damn off switch is.

No wait, I take that back. That is illogical! I must have some bugs.

"One day I'm going to meet you again on the street and look into your eyes and see you are just a shell of what you once were."


Robert said...

I woulnd't say I was afraid of you, I like to think I know you a little, so I am use to how you roll. Yes, it is frustrating to deal with sometimes. But while you may not express some of these things, I know you do feel them. Most of the time, just knowing that is enough. Most of the time ;)


i don't know if you're like this but it reminded me of a story -

I have a wonderful girlfriend who "seemed" to be lacking love/affectionateness/emotion/whatever. It was always weird to share a hug, and she expressed her uncomfortableness to be touched; she would flinch, she would retract quickly... I admit, it was a little hard to accept.

Then one day I realized that she did care and just had a hard time with this part of a friendship (or any relationship) and suddenly I DIDN"T CARE that she was the way she was - and so I smothered her, hugged her tight whenever I could (but not too much), told her "love you" when we ended our phone conversations... and now she's way more receptive and accepting of those kinds of things (at least from some people).

In the words of a great, tiny, green warrior:" You must unlearn - what you have learned. "

Strumpet said...

My family (extended, not my hubbie and kids) accused me of 'not caring' for many years -- so I've learned to just go through the motions - give hugs when required, etc. Of course, this is much easier for me since I live on the other side of the earth from them.

I don't think there is anything wrong with protecting your emotions. That's what I would describe it as. It is so easy to get extremely hurt and to hurt others if you express your emotions too readily - at least that's my experience. So, I protect them.

I think that you DO have to work on it if it huts people you REALLY care about. If that's the case, you have to learn to give them more of what they want - somehow lol.

Maybe after moving around so many years, I've narrowed my circle of 'really care about' people to just my immediate family. Not sure if this is healthy but it works for me.

As long as you know what your own emotions are, I think you're healthy just as you are :D