The Fantasy of Friendship

All the time people say, you know I'm here for you or I got your back. The truth is that unless you're sitting across the room from me and I can see you laughing or you'll buy me ice cream when I'm feeling like the world is ending, it's all just words.

It's always just words. For years, I've been telling myself that words are enough but honestly, they aren't. After awhile, you want the real thing. You want to feel human..even for just an hour.

And in the end, it all comes down to that bottomless empty feeling which I think most people refer to as loneliness only I try not to use that word because it sounds so pathetic. Lol. How fucked up is that line of thought right? It's like you can kind of buy "feeling empty" as this great intellectual introspective state which might be considered tres chic but lonely is preventable, simple, and petty. In reality, they're both pretty much the same.

I've got an RL friend but I can't monopolize all of his time and I'm grateful for the times we do get to hang out. We have fun and I get to be my 100% physical self around him.

It was kind of funny, on the way to the airport to pick up a friend, we
were both listening to our favorite album at the time Owl City. It's this cute synthetic poppy type music and we have this thing where we both pretend we're flash animation and dance around to it. I had his iphone in my hands and put on the glow stick app and we were having a techno party in the car but the real fun we usually have is laughing at ourselves.

I love being a goofball and hate getting that stupid look from people when they don't get it and just think you're weird. Anyhow, on the way back after we picked up the friend, it was a different ride back. The goof-mobile turned into polite chatter which was actually pleasant because I got to catch up with an old friend but the difference is definitely there.

The only problem with my BFF is that while I feel like I can talk to him about just about anything, I don't think he's interested in a lot of the things I am. He'll listen but when someone doesn't share the same passion as you, it's just not the same.

And this is where I loop back around again on myself and back into the meta right? It’s where I say fuck what I just said. This is why connections are actually valuable to me even though they are JUST words… Because much like Hollywood love, I think glorified all encompassing friendships are also just a nice fantasy. There is no soulmate who you’re gonna meet and they’re going to be everything to you. You have to appreciate the connections as they are…whether it be in the flesh or words and in all the various pieces you can get your hands on.

5 comments:

parxyr said...

It's kind of crazy at times to think that you can take a leap of faith over an anonymous void like the web and yet sometimes we so easily are willing to trust in such a fashion because we need to. I find myself staring at that question too often, and it is because I am still searching as well.

Peteicus_X said...

a friend is someone you favor. A friend can have your back when they are thousands of miles away. Maybe they can't hug you when your down, protect you from a threat or pick you up in their car and take you out and buy you ice cream, but they can be there for you to talk to, to understand you, to empathize, to listen, to tease, to encourage, to yell at... And a friend will stand by you through all of that. In spirit, and when possible, in the flesh.

Last year I ran into a little legal trouble. I hate asking for help, but I had to. I had to have people willing to support me in regard to my character. The words "the state of ca vs Boozefort" were some powerful words. So were "The People vs. Boozefort" from the Feds. You lent your support for that. Did you come to my house? Did you buy me ice cream? (I wish you would have). You weren't physically there for me, but that didn't make me feel any less your friend. Your support was important to me, in fact.... Words were threatening me, and yours were among the words that freed me.

Words are merely an expression of what's on someone's heart. When you favor someone, you communicate with them, and you are there for them. Physically doesn't seem nearly as important as emotionally. Friends give each other their time, energy, thoughts, creativity, feelings...they trust each other with their emotions, fears, anger, secrets, dreams... That might sound cheesy, but it is true. The better the friendship, the more true that is.

Youre right though, it isn't all just words. It is actions too. Keeping your secrets. Getting you a birthday, christmas, or random pressy because, well, youre friends. Being thoughful. Sometimes a friend will fly to where you live and spend their vacation hanging around with you, that is, if you honor the friendship.

Hollywood isn't in the business of teaching us about life, they are in the business of telling lies for money. Nothing will ever be as good as it is in the movies. Friendships can only be as good as we are able to make them. No one is perfect. Everyone has faults. Friends love each other despite.

If you need a body to put with these words, a face and a heart beat, someone to hug or punch, you know how to get a hold of me. Despite everything, there is still a room in my house for you to stay in. You are still my friend.

Strumpet said...

I posted a rather long response here:
http://strumpetslife.blogspot.com/2010/04/friendship-thing.html

Elisera said...

"There is no soulmate who you’re gonna meet and they’re going to be everything to you. You have to appreciate the connections as they are…"

I really liked what you said here.
I think it's very positive.

Matt said...

My therapist once gave me this metaphor for friendship, when I expressed frustration with a long-time friend's neglect. He said that friendships are like containers of different sizes, into which we put time and effort in the hopes of getting some time and effort from them in return. Some friendships are like small tumblers, in that regard; they don't contain much, and we get barely a couple drinks from them. Some friendships are beer steins. Some are gallon jugs. Some may be five gallon buckets. But all relationships have a limit as to what they can contain, and what they can give us. That is sort of another way of expressing what you said about appreciating the connections you have, not pining for the connections you don't. We have to learn to take people as they are, not as we want them to be. Mostly because we want them to do the same for us, right?