Maybe my mother was right, I just drown myself in negativity too much. Just decide to be happy and you will be? Can it really be that simple? Am I really skilled enough to delude my own mind? Do I want to be deluded?
I don’t know. The way I see it, my mom and dad simply can’t handle a grey world. Like most of the people in my RL, they appreciate the ideology of black and white. It is so ingrained in them that they stake a lot of claim on happiness based off of the integrity of those belief systems. And they are so faithful to it, that for people like my parents, it’s hard for them to see you as being able to be happy or have a good full-filling life any other way.
For them, I gave up the perfect Facebook life right? All those things other people look to see in your profile to gauge whether or not you’re okay, successful, and happy... I had those checked. It’s surprising though, how little those profiles really tell you. I found out yesterday that someone else in my meta world is going through something similar. I was like, seriously? I never would have guessed. His life seemed so together, his relationship appeared so solid from the outside. It’s an incredibly fragile thread we weave through the ideology of happiness it seems. One slight tug and we find out how insecure it all really is.
Human connections are all held together like this though which is why it’s hard to find truly strong ones. Most people don’t realize it’s all faking. We do it so that we can be perceived as normal so we can keep functioning as a society. I mean, if I did what I wanted and didn’t put up the pretenses, I’d end up alienating myself into pure seclusion. And that’s the biggest difference between RL and the Meta for me at the moment.
It’s funny, they all made fun of my meta family and friends. Even this weekend, I was on my laptop quite a bit and my mother was like “so... you’re on your computer all the time then? That’s not good for you.” (funny thing I wasn’t even socializing online, I was trying to format and install Win 7) But she thinks Internet friends are bad because they aren’t real and my brother thinks they are imaginary. They belittle the meta existence because they don’t see the tangible value in it. “What good are people you can’t have in your real life” they ask.
What I find absolutely ironic is that it was my RL connections that faltered to reach me during all this. It is by no means their fault because I tend to be self-isolating and I tend to push people away. I don’t blame them for my solitary state. I know half of them really do care about me in their own way but none of my RL connections could figure out how to interface with me. And of course the other half are just gawking at me from a distance like a bad traffic accident.
Surprisingly, it was actually the meta family I built, people I have never met in real life, who figured out how to break through my isolating barriers. They know my medium of thought and what tethers to follow me back through. And even though I can’t yet figure out how to respond appropriately yet, they did reach me and I was profoundly effected. They were the ones who didn’t try to fix me or judge me but kept sharing, kept letting me know they were still there waiting with open jacks for whenever I’m ready to reconnect.
And here’s the thing that someone dear to me always says, “The world if flat.” We don’t live in a world anymore where virtual can’t be reality anyhow. If we just look at the twittersphere of our gaming network, it’s staggering to see how many people now maintain RL connections with each other. Just three years ago, most of them were complete strangers, then they became meta friends through the podcasting community or WoW, and now they can meet up and go out to lunch like it was nothing. It’s incredible how fluid ties formulated online can translate into the RL because of how pure they start.
I’m sure some people would scoff but it is the seemingly insignificant and small points of connections sometimes that return us to feeling human and to help us figure out better how to rejoin the flow of living. Maybe not everyone can get how sharing a song, poem or posting a picture online is really connecting but I find it much more powerful and intimate than a hug. I know I can’t stay virtual forever, I’ll have to resolve the RL soon and stop hiding. But no one will ever be able to convince me of the lack of value in the meta now.
5 comments:
:)
all i ever seem to do in rl is fake things
fake understanding of wtf people are on about, and fain that i could care less about this or that
facebook always seems to me to be the place where you have to be fake
i've heard facebook is for the people you went to school with and twitter is the people you wish you went to school with....i hated school...another story though
the people i've met this year in the meta are the people i wish i lived in the same street as
the only place i think i'm not judged for being a walking wall of fail is in here
i'm not sure if you can get what a connection in here means if you insist on fitting in irl
heres to the misfits
well that was another load of drivel by me.....if you find a set of jump leads in your boxes, i'll take them of a shot to the head...somethings got to reanimate that withered and waisted thing between my ears
it's weird in that, if you were suddenly in a RL space with all your meta family, you would have to start pushing them away.
As a crossover in your life, I have to say, once I came off line and into RL, things really fell apart, they have never been the same.
I wonder if the meta is more easily controlled? If you don't feel like talking to someone, you just don't. Difficult to do in RL. If youre in a mood, you just don't talk. You can be who you want, when you want and your history is very much up for grabs in the meta... Your meta relationships are very much on your terms. When you want and not when you don't. Very clean. Your pictures show the you that you want shown, not the you that people in RL see, uncensored. RL is messy. You can't always say what you want to someone's face. Shyness, nerves, worry, norms...all get in the way...and all that is out the window here.
just wanted to jot down something real quick before I forget...
When my husband and RL friends join a WoW guild, lets say, one of the first things we do is introduce ourselves with real names - as long as we agree that the people on the other side don't seem like jerks or crazy people (which I guess you never really know until shit happens)Of course, this makes more sense in small guilds, but you get the idea. So - I've really enjoyed the flckr group because it has been like joining an awesome guild, where I can share bits of my real self with really awesome people and know that they aren't going to be assholes. I realize getting to know others takes time, whether in the meta or RL, but it's been a great experience for us, nonetheless. It has truly been an environment of support, I think. So thank you for that. I never would have thought of doing something like that.
Second,
I think for some of us that have a hard time processing or coping with RL, ie others think we're weird or just don't fit in, we need a place where we can seem sane and "normal". I don't think it's such a bad thing. Yes, we may not want to hide who our real selves are (and in time those things come out) but things like Facebook where we all put on the normal face can be, well, cathartic, in as much as writing a poem out of grief can be. I think so, anyway.
thanks for sharing, Alachia.
take care.
too much negativity can be a killer, no doubt about it, and sometimes, its hard to focus on the positive. Sometimes, its necessary to focus on the negative. Even so, there's a point where it becomes an empty practice - once the lessons to be learned by focusing on that negativity have been learned, its time to find a new focus.
Finding a way to focus on the positive is not delusion. It's just channel filtering. Both the negative and positive are there, and real, but there's no reason we can't filter one out and focus on the other. Just as focusing on the negative can give you perspective, focusing on the positive can give you contentment.
don't get me wrong, I don't say this to tell you you're wrong, or to say this is the answer. you are the only one who could know those things. these are just the thoughts I've worked out for myself.
anyways, Alachia, I identify with and share your thoughts - I struggle with a lot of this myself.
good luck, and peace ;)
~syn
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