Uploading Myself to the Hive

It’s pretty maddening how sad I can become in such a short period of time. Everything is predictable in the span of time we live and yet for some reason, we can not predict any of the range of things that will begin go to effect our emotions. You just never know when something good or bad will slip in and out of your life.

The one thing about realizing this is that you start to learn to really, really appreciate the times when you are flying and loving the moment. Why aren’t I more alive? Why do I let the darkness always consume me? Who was it that yells seize the day? Horace?

I keep wondering why I don’t expect more out of being human, knowing what is possible and what we’re capable of…and yet I don’t do much but observe and take mental notes. I guess that’s why I’m so invested in the Meta because it’s my way of actually doing something…of being more human than I can dream of in the RL.

Yet, it’s so hard to escape feeling like my life is this horrible broken record that continues to play that same sad tune. One of the only things that makes me feel alive anymore is trying to inject a bit of my consciousness into others who see me and anywhere else I can. I’m like that evil dude in Harry Potter, trying to leave bits of his life essence in objects and people around the world. lol. It’s true though, it helps to keep me sane.

It might be vain but I don’t care. I feel like that’s a huge part of being human. I mean look at it! It’s the essence of life isn’t it? When an animal or person gives birth, they are essentially vainly ensuring a trace of themselves extends beyond their biological body. I just choose to conduit my essence via brainwaves and digital foot prints instead.

And I also love the mutual exchange. It’s not just one to another, it cycles back and is processed and then re-engaged into another conscious and so on and so forth. We are a network of thought and ideas. The human collective is a powerful system as long as you toggle most of your preceptors on. I’ve always loved the idea of the borg.

To truly be able to share a hive mind seems beautiful to me and not scary at all. I think the scary part is where you think of it as mind control like when they introduce the Queen it gets fucked up because then it’s just brain washing and not truly a collective network of all thoughts and ideas. We all pride ourselves in individuality but can you imagine just how much more amazing we’d be if we could see everything through everyone’s mind?

Wow, I’ve managed to distract myself from my initial sadness with this post. That was unexpected. Must find more ways to keep my thoughts on the up and up.


tfangel said...

I've always made people look at me like i was insane when i questioned what was so bad about being borg. Not only are they "one", but they take the best of each species. I've never seen a borg who needs glasses. ;)

I guess the forcing it on others is not so good, but other than that, not so bad.

mama of 3 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
mama of 3 said...

Oh you're probably like me, and together we are like River Tam - feeling EVERYTHING.
And sometimes that paralyzes us and makes us numb at times.
Just a thought.
Keep writing, girlfriend.
It's good therapy.
You are an awesome lady.

ObiWanAdobe said...

As I read this, my first reaction to reading that first line, "It's pretty maddening how sad I can become..." was that I am so sorry. That somehow this was my fault. That I caused you to be a little sad.

It was then I realized I was giving myself way too much credit in thinking that I could have any effect and that I'm somehow that important. I also realize that I don't always have the highest opinion of myself and it is all too easy to say your pain is somehow my fault. I do that a lot to a lot of people.

Let me get back on track, I found myself nodding as I continued to read. I have felt very similar to what you are describing and I am still trying to find a way to connect, for a lack of a better word, with the world.

For years I've had this dark cloud following me and the occasional breaks from it, the smallest light, were moments where I would be there for a real life friend when they needed me or in a moment of serendipity where I just happen to be in the right place at the right time.

The idea of the hive mind is far more appealing than not. Being able to shed off my neurosis and just share my thoughts in a pure all access kind of way. To have someone punch me up and know me instantly. That's appealing but I have to ask myself is it appealing because they would just know what type of man I was or because I would just be out there for anyone who wanted to know who I am without the fear of rejection for disappointment.

I have to ask myself, would I trade all the fear and sadness just to have someone be able to connect with me, no fuss no muss? Or is it the fact that there is a chance for disappointment that makes the beautiful moments all the more beautiful?

Is knowing someone really knowing them or is it the little surprises that come from someone we are friends with. If you knew me because you were plugged into my mind so you would know what I was thinking as I was thinking it, would that somehow make me a better friend or is it the fact that you don't know how I'm going to react or what I will say that the real connection happen. A real connection that would continue to surprise and delight us day, weeks, month or years later.

It would be so much simpler if I just knew what that beautiful woman thought of me but I have to wonder if it is in the complexity that we find meaning. Not knowing and regardless of what happens you experience the emotions of it all. If there is a drawback to living life disconnected from a hive mind it would be the natural baggage we all bring. I could argue, though, that it is when everything falls into place perfectly that sadness is replaced by a pure joy.

I apologize for the tirade but thank you for the mental exercise.