Chapter 18: Trapped in my Mind

Lately I've been completely depressed. I don't know what it is. It's nothing in particular I suppose. I guess I just feel this overwhelming sense of loneliness.

It's not that I don't have people around me. In fact, lately, I've been keeping myself in conversations and talking to people constantly. But just because you're around people doesn't make you feel less lonely.

The problem is that I'm not free to say the things I want to say sometimes. I'm trapped by not having any real confidants to confide in and so I keep everything to myself..the real things I want to say and feel. I have to become this storm inside myself while projecting the most clear and calm exterior.

It's not that anything I'm feeling or need to say is even remotely profound. On a local scale, it might register as a 3, and on a global scale it doesn't even qualify for a 1 rating.

My problems, my concerns, the things that torture me inside aren't that important. I just mostly long for a real connection. A person who would actually care about my most mundane, minute moments of angst and most mundane, minute moments of joy.

And the part I think that does depress me greatly is that there just isn't another human being who could live inside my head nor would I ever expect there to be. And so I'm sort of like my own living prison of thoughts and confusion.

Even more so depressing is the idea that I want to get away from myself. And when you don't even like yourself and you want to escape from yourself, what does this say about others? I just don't belong to myself and it depresses me to no end.


Jemimus said...

I hope our recent conversations have not contributed to your current state of mind.

The last months I have had a similar sense of loneliness. The person I thought was there for me for this kind of thing, became less and less so. Seperate from the hurt of knowing the person you love is slowly slipping away, is the intense loneliness you feel when that "safety net" is pulled out from under you.
I have found some solace in sharing my current feelings with a small group of friends, you being one, and it helps somewhat.
But I agree its not enough.
That "confidant" role we seek in our friends is perhaps unrealistic. There are certain things I tell certain people, but there is no one person I would share the entire range of my feelings, happenings and opinions with. I make due with the fact that some friends are good for sharing certain things with, and others good for other things.
I suppose the ultimate confidant would be what most people would describe as a "soul mate", but I think that is a very rare concept.
It would be nice though, if you could be with someone what you could share -anything- with, without feeling that burden of social pressure, that constant mirror of reflection we hold up to ourselves to measure how we appear to others. The constant fear of disappointing others, embarrassing ourselves, and driving people away in disgust. I would count myself extremely lucky to be with a person who would make me feel that way, but I think its exceptional, and probably will never happen to me. Until that time, I find different bits of solace in different friends.