Chapter 17: Sick of my Selves

I have way too many fucking identities. I've said this like a million times now. The truth is that I just simply can not be who everyone wants me to be. I have a hateful, sadistic, loathing, and deviant side to me that most people I know in real life would shun me for.

Seriously, they would.

And the truth is, not everyone can handle every chapter of your life. Some people are unshockable and others are shocked at the slightest variation from the norm.

Currently, I'm sporting about 4 different identities, the most guarded identity is my RL one only because it has to remain the most artificial. By guarded, I mean from my own emotional and intellectual conscious. Almost every frame of my thinking would shame my parents, my relatives, and all of my colleagues.

That I even tag this blog to my online persona of "Alachia" is already a slight risk.
I'm pretty confident though that it's layered too deeply in the meta for most people to find it. Hell, at this point, I think only two people have even discovered its existence...which to me is rather comforting.

But I think this just goes to show how many layers normal human beings guise themsevles under. I would imagine quite a few people are like me out there. Where there is this level of expression that remains repressed and hidden.

I keep thinking how lost in my own mind I've become. Because my identities are so scattered, I tend to lose focus a lot. And it saddens me that I have to be singular in thought rather than all encompassing, complex creature.

I think it's mostly just my commentary on society and how there is always going to be this degree of expectations on how we should behave.

Take Facebook for example. Here's this social networking website dedicated with keeping in touch with acquaintances and friends. About 90% of my facebook is comprised of old highschool classmates and co-workers and a few family members. To be honest, I'm only on there to keep in touch with a few people and the rest is out of morbid curiosity. I'm a total stalker. I like to watch and learn things about people...to take a sort of anthropological notations on their lives. What was and what is of who they all once were.

But the truth is that I don't care about any of them. It would make no difference to me if they were dead or alive really. And it's not like I'm getting much valuable information about them in terms of human interest either. The closest someone's life on Facebook came to interesting was when an old classmate had an open-chat fight with her family about politics.

That was as real as its ever gotten. The rest are just shallow sort of blips of an online show and tell. I've actually have a facebook friend who has over 1000 friends on his account. I'm thinking to myself, what are the odds that any of these people actually have a real vested interest in this guy? And WHY does one need 1000 friends? I'm already overwhelmed with 4 or 5 friends.

Each friend I have though is sort of associated with one of my identities. And it's quite bizarre actually that the friends who are more associated with my core are the people I have the least amount of RL association with...

And it's all the disassociations that I'm having to come to terms with. That there will always be a disconnect with who I am from who I am to any given number of people is a hard reality to swallow.

1 comments:

Jemimus said...

As you know, I have recently, for the first time really, had to split off part of myself to persue certain interests.
I mulled over this for a while, and I kinda hate the fact I cant include that part of me into the rest of my meta-identity. I know people who don't bother, who confront their entire following with the hard truth of sides of them that you and me would rather hide from most. But hen these people are in social situations, both privately and professionally, where they are in a better position to get away with it. In our cases, exposing our dark side to the rest of our life would have consequences.
On the other hand, completely splitting of this shard of me, has allowed me a great mental and emotional freedom, as you have no doubt seen. I think the same is true for you on this blog.
While I have issues with this "sharding" I am actually considering doing it again, to cover yet other areas of my life that would better kept somewhat seperate.. in this case the same kind of stuff you post about here. But then too, I would becomes too spread out perhaps.
This problem is not going to go away any time soon, despite the technical advances that are slowly helping us out.