Blog-22

The fucked up thing about blogging these days is that you want to talk about shit that’s going down around you and concerning the people around you. However, everyone is online now and everyone usually knows where your blog is because, yea, sometimes you want to share your thoughts..but then you don’t want them to feel bad when you write about them.

I’m ISTJ. Introverted Sending Thinking Judging. My two highest are Introverted and Judging. I judge a lot. I observe people around me and situations and reflect upon them until they are inside out and over. A lot of times I have to write about these things to get them from jamming up my head. The last thing I’d want though is for people to think that I’m bashing them on a blog or using their grief or my grief as an exploit.

So anyhow, that’s why secret blogs are necessary…so you have a place to write the stuff you really want to write without fear of saying something wrong.

Alachia's Tweet Cloud 2009

Tweet Cloud 2009, originally uploaded by alachia.

Tweets aren't a very good indicator of following your personal life throughout the year but I'd say my tweet cloud is very characteristic of the way I interacted in the meta.

I was interested in seeing the word "house" in there. I didn't realize I had tweeted so much about my house selling and buying drama. lol. "Awesome" and "Love" are my go-to words for describing my delight with something so no surprise there.

Also not shocked to see "cupcake", "blog", and "night" in the cloud. I'm a night owl, I re-emerged my personal blog from the graveyard this year, and found a true love affair with all things cupcake.

The only word that puzzles me is "time"...why is "time" so large a word in my tweet bubble? I can't recollect using the word much or even why I would. weird.

And I'm just a little embarrassed that the word "woot" made it into my bubble. Thank god it's small! lol.

Happy Thanksgiving 2009

I am an ingrate most of the time. As much as I want to blame it on my culture, the truth is it’s just easier to be ungrateful than it is to find ways to be happy with your life.

But if I’m honest and forthcoming about my life, I should be shouting out how amazing my life is. If I come out of the bubble of being a sheltered American who is always lusting after MORE MORE MORE, I am beyond blessed.

I am grateful foremost for my family, my amazing family who love me beyond reason…who love me despite my inability to properly show them how much I love them back. I sometimes don’t know how they continue to be unconditional in their love for me but it’s something I strive to reciprocate.

This year I am particularly grateful for the ability to connect with people I have found to be my kindred. I realize most of these connections would not be possible without the medium of technology we have available today. Imagine that. How many people never found their intellectual soul mates back in the day? Now it’s far more possible to truly connect to people you would never have had the opportunity to otherwise.

Anyhow, I hate sappy posts. Happy Thanksgiving!

Crush

NoBS 4: You ever get that feeling that the people around you aren’t real? I mean they’re real as in they exist but their relationship to you is so intangible that you’re not sure what’s sincere or just fluff. I’ve been like this since high school I think.

People come and go and despite their uttering of friendship and even devotion, certain things just aren’t really that rooted under the surface. Most of the people I talk to don’t seem to mind this fleeting, surface friendship. They’re attitude is like “yeah.. cool, we hang out. if we don’t hang out, whatever”…

I never understand why I have this obsessive nature about friendships. I’m always looking to grow super deep roots and create blood bonds. I’d almost say it’s like I want to consume my closest friends which sounds a bit cannibalistic. lol. However the concept is actually pretty dead on in terms of absorbing someone into your own being. I guess that’s the part of me talking that never wants to let go…that wants a certain character or consciousness to never leave me.

I sometimes get real hopeful and optimistic about connecting with people. I call this my “crush” phase of a friendship. I’m so enamored by the person or find a quality in them that I really connect with… and I start thinking that we can establish something lasting. Unfortunately, most of my connections never make it past the “crush” stage. Inevitably, the person disappears or loses interest in the connection.

I’m not sure if my “friends” realize the effect they have on me..especially when they fade away. I’m pretty sensitive. Relationships that they may not have valued greatly leave grave indentions in my mind. And so many, many times, I find myself asking…what did I do wrong?

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Brrrrrrrrrr

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NoBS 3: I crawled into bed last night around 6:30am. Besides being tired from working all night, I was above all, freezing my ass off. Even with three thick blankets over me, two shirts, and two pairs of socks, my body was racking from shivers.

I tucked my fingers between my rib and arms but they felt like dry sticks of ice. I was miserable. It took me like an hour to fall asleep because I was shivering so much. I think I might need to invest in one of those electric blankets or something. The sad thing is that it probably wasn’t that cold…maybe in the high 40s outside?

I get cold once the room temperature drops to 78 Fahrenheit. My brain shuts down, my body shuts down and all I can think about is getting warm. This is why I’m so glad I live in Texas. People hate the summer months here because it averages out in the 100s most of the summer with very little rain or wind chill. I <3 it. I want summer back again.

Right now my space heater is set to HI and I’m wearing an over-sized fleece jacket. All I have to say is that I’m glad it’s TV night tonight because my brain can’t function. I hate it when I go into these grey states of existence. I want to wake up.

Working From Home

Working From Home, originally uploaded by alachia.

When the gang gets home from work, they are always full of stories of what happened and who said what and what went down. They get to talk about their day.

I never get asked how my day was. They all assume it's the same story and technically it kind of is. I won't have office gossip nor will I have something to say about what went down at work. As long as I get my work done, there isn't much to talk about really. These are the times where it does suck working from home and being by yourself all day.

But during my "work day" I actually have quite unique experiences that you don't get form working at the office. I'm privy to small comforts like the way my dog snores at my feet or how my cat inspects my drawings. And while I have no RL connections on a daily basis, I'm definitely privy to a whole world online that you can't access at most offices.

I do miss having office mates though and being able to chat with people about things going on at work or the world around us. There is something about that connection of convenience that gives you a strong sense of belonging. In fact, the connections at work I formed are so unique that all the former employees of my last job are getting together this Friday for lunch as we have a secret facebook Alumni club. :)

None of them I would consider good friends or hell, even friends. But it's that social bond and common experience that defines our humanity. We can live without it easily. I have had no problem adjusting into the life of a recluse but sometimes I do long for standard mundane physical connections.

But on days like today, when I was warm and secure in my office with my QTPI sleeping next to me and the Dessy perched on the napping couch, I was quite content.

My First Meteor Shower

NoBS 2:

So I think I’m going to stay up tonight and see if I can’t catch some of the Leonid Meteor shower. I’m constantly fascinated with the sky and the universe. Out there beyond what we will ever see in our lifetimes is a question that will NEVER be answered for me. I used to go into infinite loops in my head about infinity and finite boundaries of existence.

I try not to go too macro with my thoughts anymore. I find I have such a hard time focusing on the micro things that worrying about things beyond my comprehension of understanding is futile. Who cares if the universe is shrinking or expanding if I can’t even find time to do my laundry.

So I’ll go out and check the sky in an hour or so. It’s nearly 45 degrees Fahrenheit out there so I’m going to have to find a thick jacket and a warm hat. Luckily, I live out in the boonies now so there are few lights and the stars come in so clear that I often feel like I’m watching a HD video of they night time sky. It is beautiful. I just wish someone could point out the constellations to me. The only one I remember is Orion’s belt.

If I actually catch this meteor shower, it’ll be my first one…or at least the first one I can remember. So crazy imagining that many meteors bombarding the earth’s atmosphere. boom boom boom. Man, I need to go see 2012 this week.