Degrees of OCD

Order in the Closet, originally uploaded by alachia.

What's the difference between being OCD and just anal? I think it has to do with the degree of your psychosis when it comes to perceived order.

Some people really can't step on cracks in sidewalks or they have to do things in sets of twelve...that's probably what I call REAL OCD. I think I fall more under the category of anal than obsessive compulsive although it's still up for debate.

For example, I have to have all my blinds close in the same direction, I can't stand having patterns display upside down, and I tend to wash my hands in sets of two. In my closet, I like to have everything organized by type of clothing and often times I start ordering by darks and lights. I mostly have dark clothing so it's pretty easy. lol.

Today, I got a little annoyed by my anal OCD-ness though when I found myself turning myself around after I had spun 180 degrees in one direction. To come full circle would have been the sensible thing to do but I felt like I was winding myself so I "unwound" myself by going 180 in the opposite direction.

I'm going to have to work on that type of behavior because that's the sort of OCD that will make you a nightmare to be around.

Got Wood?

Well, the house has been on the market for over 60 days now, roughly two months. Selling the house has been such a stress in my life at the moment (I know qq more right?)…but it does take its toll.

This is the first time I’ve ever done the house selling thing. I hope I never have to do it again. You have to constantly keep the house in a museum state and you have to be ready to vacate at all times and NO ONE tells you what you need to know up front.

For example, the kitchen flooring was done with this horribly cheap vinyl flooring crap that has started to rise and peel. No one ever said, “look, it’s expensive to get new flooring but it will literally be the difference between selling the house in 2 weeks and 3 months.”

Everyone has commented on the flooring issue and the rationale for leaving it is as is was “if they don’t like the flooring, the price can be adjusted for new flooring installation.” What they don’t tell you is that NO ONE wants to deal with getting new flooring when buying a new house.

So that brings me to today…where I spent a good portion of my Saturday looking at hardwood floors trying to decide between style and budget. SOOO fun. NOT. The best part is that flooring is a total biatch to shop for because of the layers of pricing tacked on for installation, removal of existing flooring, trim work, leveling, glue, and everything else you can possibly imagine them charging you extra for.

My favorite part of looking for flooring is talking to hardwood specialist clerks.

“so what type of flooring are you looking for?”

“I’m not sure, I went to Home Depot and found this nice dark colored flooring called Thomasville Engineered Wood”

“look, I don’t know who this Thomas guy is but we sell the real brands here.”

ahhh. yes. industry snobs. Sometimes I wonder if I really am a hermit that doesn’t know jack about the real world.

4oJ

We have a 4th of July tradition where we watch Black Hawk Down. I think it started as bit of a coincidence. One year we were hanging out in 4oJ and opted to watch Black Hawk Down because 1) it’s a bad ass movie 2) it’s sort of patriotic 3) it has nice “fireworks”….

After the movie concluded, we heard fireworks going off from the Austin Fireworks show downtown. The next year, we happened to be hanging out on 4oJ again and put in Black Hawk Down….hence a tradition started.

This year, in addition to watching Black Hawk Down, we’re gonna have a BBQ for lunch. I made up a list of our menu.

It’s not too ambitious a list but it will require pulling out the grill from the garage. I’m particularly looking forward to the Fried Okra and Apple Cake. :)

My job on the list is the salad and cake! The recipes are extremely easy so I doubt I’ll mess them up.

The cake I’ll be making is from Rachel Ray’s old cooking show: My Sister Maria's Easy Apple Cake

Chapter 31: Human Nature

When I heard that Michael Jackson had died yesterday, I felt incredibly relieved for the pop icon. I always figured he suffered relentlessly since his demise since the late 90s. It's better for stars like that to die early on I think. Dealing with the loss of being on top for the rest of your life after being a God among mortals can't be easy to live with..

However, I am terribly sad at his passing. For me the death of Michael Jackson sort of just symbolizes a full end of an era. Music has always been a gigantic part of my life and certain albums reflect a specific part of my history. Thriller was definitely the first pop album I ever listened to. I spent so many weekends dancing with my brother in the living room to Human Nature and Billy Jean. My father would put certain songs on repeat, which back then required him to move the needle on the record player. He and my mom would sit and watch us dance and it's one of the strongest memories I have from my childhood.

Throughout the years, the succession of his music was always present in our house. And regardless of his own failures at creating a nuclear family, his music profoundly laid a soundtrack for my tight family bonds. His death is a reminder to me of the end of that structure a family has growing up when all the kids are young and haven't ventured off on their own. It represents that small blip of history where we were a family. It's just a picture now....we'll always have that sense of unconditional love regardless of our now more disconnected nature...but it will never be the same.

Chapter 30: Isolation

I used to be close to a few people and they were a pretty big constant in my life. My brother, my high school guy friends, and a few really good meta mates.

Lately however, there has been a huge disconnect for me from everyone. This utter stagnation in my ability to establish intimate bonds with my previous group has left me feeling utterly isolated. I feel totally cut off and I'm not even sure how it happened.

They say you make what ever relationship you want and you invest in it heavily if you want good returns. I was a firm believer in this for quite awhile. If you make an effort to keep your connections strong, they'll remain strong.

This line of thinking however does not factor in the part where:

1) people can't relate to you anymore

2) you can't relate to them anymore

3) someone fundamentally changes which results in 1 or 2.

Because of the mass loss of people I can reach an intimate connection with, I'm beginning to suspect it must be me. Something has changed in me drastically over the last 3 years. Maybe I needed more depth or maybe it was a combination of just growing apart and me no longer making valiant efforts to sustain the relationship?

It's hard to really tell without maybe discussing it with someone I've moved away from...and even then, they might not be sure either. I wonder if I'm beginning to disappear.

Not having a solid base is very, very unsettling.

Chapter 29: Moral Badge

*this chapter has been lost*

Chapter 28: Gender Box

  I've been doing a lot of faux shopping lately. It means I'm basically window shopping online without actually buying anything. I do this a lot when I'm stressed out and lost. I sort of try to help myself sort out my identity through desires and tastes.

I noticed some significant changes in my styles. All through school and into office life and trying to do social things, I've always noticed I've tried to fit the girl mold. It had never felt natural to me but I tried very hard to make it me.

You see the girls around you and you want to fit in, you want to conform to the idea of feminine and sexy. There is something about their general confidence in this style that is alluring and so I strived to gain that as well.

But it never, ever fit. I hated wearing dresses and always thought I looked like a monkey playing dress up every time I tried. I always hated formal events and weddings because I was forced to put on the uniform of the feminine sexuality.

I remember one summer, I was so annoyed that I had to dress to a wedding when all my guy friends could wear slacks and a nice shirt. I rebelled that day and put on dress shorts and a blouse. BOY did I get an earful that day about "proper lady attire."

My body type is very gender neutral but I think my tastes are far more masculine than feminine. I like the sort of brash, solid, and bulkier forms of the male styles of clothes and jewelry. I remember being made fun of a lot in school because I would wear a man's Cassio watch but I hated the petite female version of it so I picked up the guy's version instead.

I also wore a lot of my father's polo shirts and slacks in the beginning of High School and remembered feeling very inadequate. I would then borrow my girlfriend's clothing to try and look just like them. 

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love female fashion. I just don't love it on me. I wish I did but every time I do it, it feels like playing pretend. Also, I'd like to point out that I am referring to stylistic differences. This isn't about "being comfortable" as it's not like I appreciate sloth-like styles of uber baggy clothes and sloppy-wear.

I'm referring to being able to wear clothing styled to how I feel about myself and not how I think people should feel about me. I think it's okay to not be girly but I'm not sure that most of my peers agree.

However, now that I'm mostly meta and haven't been influenced as much by a lot of girls around me, I notice that drive to be feminine has faded. I look at the fashions online and I like bold, masculine objects. I like form fitting but not form defining clothing.

I think the general problem is that people want to be able to define you so badly. We all do, even me. Boy, Girl, Sexy, Fat, Ugly, Dirty, Hot, Pretty, Sweet, Elegant, Punk, Glamorous, Lazy. It makes our brain feel better to check off boxes. We love to define. The only problem with systematically creating labels is that sometimes you get trapped in them.