Chapter 28: Gender Box

  I've been doing a lot of faux shopping lately. It means I'm basically window shopping online without actually buying anything. I do this a lot when I'm stressed out and lost. I sort of try to help myself sort out my identity through desires and tastes.

I noticed some significant changes in my styles. All through school and into office life and trying to do social things, I've always noticed I've tried to fit the girl mold. It had never felt natural to me but I tried very hard to make it me.

You see the girls around you and you want to fit in, you want to conform to the idea of feminine and sexy. There is something about their general confidence in this style that is alluring and so I strived to gain that as well.

But it never, ever fit. I hated wearing dresses and always thought I looked like a monkey playing dress up every time I tried. I always hated formal events and weddings because I was forced to put on the uniform of the feminine sexuality.

I remember one summer, I was so annoyed that I had to dress to a wedding when all my guy friends could wear slacks and a nice shirt. I rebelled that day and put on dress shorts and a blouse. BOY did I get an earful that day about "proper lady attire."

My body type is very gender neutral but I think my tastes are far more masculine than feminine. I like the sort of brash, solid, and bulkier forms of the male styles of clothes and jewelry. I remember being made fun of a lot in school because I would wear a man's Cassio watch but I hated the petite female version of it so I picked up the guy's version instead.

I also wore a lot of my father's polo shirts and slacks in the beginning of High School and remembered feeling very inadequate. I would then borrow my girlfriend's clothing to try and look just like them. 

Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love female fashion. I just don't love it on me. I wish I did but every time I do it, it feels like playing pretend. Also, I'd like to point out that I am referring to stylistic differences. This isn't about "being comfortable" as it's not like I appreciate sloth-like styles of uber baggy clothes and sloppy-wear.

I'm referring to being able to wear clothing styled to how I feel about myself and not how I think people should feel about me. I think it's okay to not be girly but I'm not sure that most of my peers agree.

However, now that I'm mostly meta and haven't been influenced as much by a lot of girls around me, I notice that drive to be feminine has faded. I look at the fashions online and I like bold, masculine objects. I like form fitting but not form defining clothing.

I think the general problem is that people want to be able to define you so badly. We all do, even me. Boy, Girl, Sexy, Fat, Ugly, Dirty, Hot, Pretty, Sweet, Elegant, Punk, Glamorous, Lazy. It makes our brain feel better to check off boxes. We love to define. The only problem with systematically creating labels is that sometimes you get trapped in them.