Trapping Light

Trapping Light, originally uploaded by alachia.

Days are dark for me now. No, dark isn’t the right description because the world around me is so full of light. I just feel the constant pain of guilt. It has torn through me and my conscious until I just can’t bare to think anymore. I feel guilty for being miserable and sad. I feel guilty for the moments I am happy as well as sinking. I feel guilty for being alive because I don’t appreciate it.

You get to this point where you know that reality around you feels like it’s distorted but then you know that it is really only in your own mind that things are out of place. I feel like this darkness clouding all the beautiful things around me, including all the people I love. And I want to be their happiness but I don’t know how.

They say when you are depressed, you are unable to think for yourself but I didn’t quite know what that meant until recently. I’m always thinking, my head is always full. The problem happens when the the under-toe comes and the structures of your emotions start to collapse. You don’t get to control anymore your effect, your will, or your logic. Everything in that moment is lost to an idea in your mind that is fixated on the misery within. It’s not logical, it’s not thinking. It’s a suffering to a part of yourself that you wish didn’t exist.

And it has a horrible effect on the people around you which only furthers the guilt. I feel guilty for not being able to fix myself, be happy, and just walk the paved path of human existence that comes so naturally to those around me. That’s why you end up faking it as long as you can because this collapse doesn’t just make you feel helpless, it makes everyone who cares for you feel helpless too.

It is heartbreaking to hear those I love ask if they are the cause of my unhappiness. If there wasn’t something they could be doing or should be doing. If maybe it’s their effect on my life that has driven me to this temporary madness. And beyond anything, they want to see you better because your happiness is so tied to theirs.

But I can’t deliver and I can no longer pretend either. So instead I feel guilty that I can’t find solutions and feel more alienated from the world than ever. And a part of me wants to escape from that feeling so badly at times that I wish for an eternal numbness. Of course, this makes me feel the most guilty of all. I hate the paradox of being human. Life is both astonishingly beautiful, wonderful, and hopeful as well as it is complex, burdensome and often tragic.


ObiWanAdobe said...

I have found to some success that it's about knowing your limits, especially now, and how to communicate that to the people that love you.

Knowing where the line in the sand is drawn, understanding that you can go this far and not further (at least for now) is a good place to start. So often we hit that wall and because we're trying to put on a brave face we soldier through the barrier. The aftermath of this charge is that we are left lost and exhausted and if you don't have a good support structure underneath you when that happens, you fall into a dark place. Knowing your limits and being able to break engagements when you get too close to that will give you a potential buffer.

The other aspect, which was/is harder for me, is being able to communicate. To your loved ones but more importantly to yourself. To be able to makes sense of all the noise. In my case, I still struggle with the white noise. My empathy sometimes interferes with saying that I have had enough tonight. But being able to tell myself, "Look, Louis, that's enough. You need to shut this down and relax."

You have probably heard this a million times but it needs repeating, you are not alone. You are surrounded by beautiful people that care for you. If given half a chance they will be there for you but what I'm suggesting is that perhaps you should cut yourself a little slack and be there for yourself. See your pain, your depression and understand that you are limited in what you can do. Go as far as you can and then breath.

Life can be hard and trying, but know that it can also be so full of magic.

ObiWanAdobe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
chewyfruitloop said...

Its ok to not be ok.
Its hard trying to keep on the happy smiley mask because your scared of how people will react and you just want to hide.
The are some things that are so painful you just can't bring yourself to talk about them.

Its natural to feel guilty about things though. We need to rationalise things. Just because something didn't work out the way we plan, we have to find something at fault. When its you thats broken and theres no one thing to point at its easier to point in the mirror.
I could say its not your fault until I'm blue in the face and my finger tips are worn away. Thing is, until you can come to terms with everything yourself, you won't want to listen.
Beating yourself up feels right because it must be your fault....right?

The cascade of things that brought you to this point will need unpicking, and its just going to take time.

The people who love you want to know if they're the ones who caused the problem so they can fix it. They just want to help you.

This is all probably a load of old tripe though, I seem to excel at that.

You should know though, there are people who care about you, up or down. Even though you just want to hide, there are still hands reaching for you to help you along. You just have to be willing every now and then to grab one.

You'll be surprised if you can see through the numbness, people don't mind you aren't bouncing off the walls.

ah crap do I know any how

wakasm said...

You should go to an open mic night in NYC at midnight, or find one locally in your town.

You'll find that you are so not alone and that there are all kinds of broken people in the world. The way the express themselves through their own writings public-ally or through their own dark comedy could surely help you see some sort of reflection of your own.

There is always therapy to be found in numbers and similarity. Unfortunately, it sounds like those who you love and love you just aren't afflicted in the same way.

Seek out others who are more like you. You shouldn't have to feel guilty over what you are. That's like a flower feeling guilty that it's not a tree. We can't all be trees. Sometimes being a flower just has to do.

Anonymous said...

What Chewyfruitloop said - "Its ok to not be ok."

...and guild, *sigh*. I haven't figured out how to not feel guilty myself. If I find the golden answer, I'll share.