TBF

by Kevin Mitchell

"Look at the bridge. You see the two towers?"- Jeppy
"yeah"- me
"You see how each of the tower carries the load of the structure equally?"-Jeppy
"yeah"- me
"That's what a real relationship should look like."- Jeppy
"that's awesome"- me

This Tower Bridge is now on the top of my list of places I want to go see. I hope to one day take my own photograph of this bridge and frame it to hang on my wall.

It's such beautiful, symbolic icon of what I've realized has made me fail so badly at relationships all my life and what I should always be striving for instead. You have to seek true balance and structure between both parties. Sure, there will always been imbalanced relationships and partial/quasi casual friendships.

Tower Bridge however is the epitome of an amazing friendship. It requires both parties to grow strong together and want to hold equal part in the relationship. You can't fake connections. You can't bypass the construction of the structure as much as you'd like to because then you just create something weak and temporary.

It's such a simple but beautiful concept of a partnership in any connection you have in life. Forget BFF! It's TBF! Tower Bridge Friends :)

I'm not exactly sure what it means to try to repair bridges that have long swept away though. Do we reconstruct from scratch or take a lesson in the fact that the relationship didn't have the structure it needed to begin with? I have an enormous amount of flaws. My emotional shortcomings prevent me from my own self-repair at times...... other than that, I'm not all together sure about much. I just know that relationships require a good sense of continual assurance which require a degree of emotional presence....get what you give...lalalalala. I'm working on it.

Chapter 31: Human Nature

When I heard that Michael Jackson had died yesterday, I felt incredibly relieved for the pop icon. I always figured he suffered relentlessly since his demise since the late 90s. It's better for stars like that to die early on I think. Dealing with the loss of being on top for the rest of your life after being a God among mortals can't be easy to live with..

However, I am terribly sad at his passing. For me the death of Michael Jackson sort of just symbolizes a full end of an era. Music has always been a gigantic part of my life and certain albums reflect a specific part of my history. Thriller was definitely the first pop album I ever listened to. I spent so many weekends dancing with my brother in the living room to Human Nature and Billy Jean. My father would put certain songs on repeat, which back then required him to move the needle on the record player. He and my mom would sit and watch us dance and it's one of the strongest memories I have from my childhood.

Throughout the years, the succession of his music was always present in our house. And regardless of his own failures at creating a nuclear family, his music profoundly laid a soundtrack for my tight family bonds. His death is a reminder to me of the end of that structure a family has growing up when all the kids are young and haven't ventured off on their own. It represents that small blip of history where we were a family. It's just a picture now....we'll always have that sense of unconditional love regardless of our now more disconnected nature...but it will never be the same.

Chapter 11: Use You Lose You

When people first get to know me, they often wonder where my profound pessimism comes from. Do I want to be such a negative person? Absolutely not. People who are optimistic and hopeful always seem happier (duh) and live longer lives.

I'm so pessimistic that I've become indifferent to life so the long life bonus doesn't even mean anything to me. So how did I get so brutally negative?

I think it's because I have such an amazing trust of people. I always meet people and expect the best out of them and that everyone around me has the same opinions about respect and empathy.

To me, I might be brutal but when it comes to how I treat other people, I do my very best to make everyone around me happy or feel good about their existence. Even if I hate someone, I still get a high out of doing things to make them feel good about themselves.

The only time I get hurtful to people is if I feel threatened or misused.

For example, a friend of mine from high school used to come up and visit me every so often. However, as soon as he got here, he left the house to go hang out with friends he had elsewhere etc. Soon, he would show up without asking, take my house key without asking and leave. At a certain point, I finally felt like I was being played for a fool and stopped returning his phone calls.

So my rudeness usually stems form "radio silence"- it's my mechanism for not going off on someone. Although, some of my friend say it's far worse to get my silent treatment than to be yelled at. (guess I still feel like it's better to not say anything than to regret what I said)

And lately, it seems like the only people who get in contact with me just WANT something from me. Whatever happened to just enjoying being with someone..just enjoying them for the sheer pleasure of existence.

Just recently in WOW, someone who I thought was my friend..someone I invited into my carass which I hardly ever do because I'm protective of my group, turned there back on me. He just decided it wasn't worth his time to participate anymore.

It was one of those "kkthxbai" moments that make you say "wtf! this is why you don't make friends anymore" And maybe there is more to the story but you'd think there would be more courtesy involved like maybe "talking your issues over as a friend?"

When you're young, you think the opportunity to meet great people will be numerous. As it turns out, the best of friends I made where from high school. Perhaps it's because we are too vastly flawed as adults to start fresh? We come with too much baggage I guess and we carry that into all of our new relationships.