(I love how my Dentist’s office is built to relax you but then you can’t really escape the reality that you’re in the chair. lol)
Most of the experiments in my life usually revolve around society or culture but occasionally I’ll perform a biological or physical one as well. For the last six months, I’ve been trying out my own oral hygiene experiment.
Since I was really little, my parents trained me to have two unconditional, unrelenting routines per day. Wake up- Brush your Teeth/Wash your Face. Before Sleep- Brush your teeth/Wash your Face. Every day for as long as I can remember, this has always been my routine.
However, growing up, as a kid, I had tons of cavities. I could never understand it. I had friends who barely brushed their teeth that never got cavities. I had the most rigorous of routines and I was always having to get fillings. EVERY single dentist appointment usually yielded another appointment to get drilled and filled (TWSS).
I got to a point where I had an actual phobia of going to the dentist. This was later elevated after some gum grafting oral surgery I had like five years ago. It was the consequence of massive gum degradation from constantly rolling my tongue ring along the ridge of my gum and teeth. High price you pay for rebelling and having an oral fixation.
The surgery itself wasn’t too bad but after the procedure there was a horrific process of “lifting” that was done while I was NOT sedated but instead given local anesthesia which was not effective and I felt everything. Anyhow, all I know is that I’m usually cringing every time I’m in the dentist’s chair now and I am clutching my hands together very tightly.
The pain of the cleaning process used to be so discomforting that I used to rake my nails across my hands to distract the oral pain. I never understood why it had always been so painful all these years. The hygienist always encouraged me to floss but I was quite stubborn with changing my routine. I would floss like once or twice a week and sometimes forget.
My teeth are so damn close to each other that it’s not easy cramming the floss in between them. It wasn’t until they started making the flat ribbon type of floss that I was able to try to do it more on a regular basis. So six months ago during my last visit, I had kicked up my routine to about 3 times per week. There was still minor bleeding during my cleaning and she was having to deal with a lot of plaque etc.
She told me I was prone to more plaque build up because my teeth are extremely straight (one of those blessing/curse things) and the tiniest of particles can be trapped without me ever seeing in the mirror. I also have all thirty-two of my teeth including wisdom ones that fully emerged by the time I was thirteen so it’s all packed in tight. BUT I hated flossing so I was very stubborn and resistant to adding it to my nightly routine.
After the last visit, I decided to do an experiment to floss every single day without skipping until my next dentist visit. I figured if flossing every day would make a painless dentist visit then I’d continue. If I still had massive pain, bleeding, and soreness afterwards (oh the pounding, pulsing, throbbing ache!), I’d say fuck it and throw away my floss.
Well during last week’s visit, I got my experiment results! There was virtually no pain whatsoever and she hardly had to clean my teeth at all. There was no bleeding, no soreness. She kept saying I did a great job and that my teeth were beautiful. Btw, beautiful teeth to a hygienist and dentist means they look healthy (not the Christy Turlington type of beautiful).
So lesson learned. Teach your kids to wash their faces, brush their teeth, and FLOSS every day! Actually, flossing is more important than brushing if you can believe that. The health of your gums are far more important than the sparkle of your teeth. Once your gums get hardened, there should be no pain and you’ll have short easy visits to the Dentist!
lol. This is gonna sound weird but this bit of script from the movie Before Sunset is kind of how I feel about the lyrics to Stop This Train by J. Mayer. It’s all about how we deal with age and growing older..you know, what we take from it and how we cope with the reality that not just youth but the moments of life are fleeting:
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I had this funny... well, horrible dream the other day.
I was having this awful nightmare, that I was 32,
and then I woke up, and I was 23!
So relieved...
And then I woke up for real, and I was 32.
- Scary! - It happens.
Yeah, time goes faster and faster.
Apparently, it's because we don't renew our synapses live to 20.
So, it's pretty much downhill from then on.
I like getting older, you know, it feels...
I don't know, it feels more immediate.
You know, like I can appreciate things more.
No, me too, actually. I really love it. -------------- Sometimes it seems as if we look down and then look back up again and bam, it’s a decade later. I don’t want to look down and look up again and feel like I missed it all.
I’ve been researching happiness for the last two weeks now. I’ve uncovered some interesting talks, articles, and a crap ton of comments from people who think they have a definitive answer.
As with everything, there’s always a flipside. And my mind is spinning out of control trying to process them all. I guess I’ll just break up certain sides into a series of posts.
So…one of the most prevalent outcome of searching for happiness from online resources is you’ll discover the notion of synthetic happiness. For many people, this is achieved through exercising the mind, limiting, choices, and focusing on the present. This is however, artificial happiness. It yields almost identical results as natural happiness according to Dan Glibert’s TED Talk (I’ll try to embed the video below). The only difference is that it is stimulated by training your mind to bend and fold the reality at hand to produce an outcome of happiness.
This works. It really does. I believe it does. However, I’m too cynical and introspective to accept this method for myself. I call it self-deluding and I would always know I was deluding myself and therefore this wouldn’t work. There are other people in my life who are perfectly content with this form of happiness.
My brother is one such individual. He is a happy person. He has always been a happy person. Hmmm. I should have defined my definition of happiness earlier. I go by the generic definition in that happiness is state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy. If in some spectrum you are in this category state of being, I consider that happiness. There is a whole slew of semantics you could argue about this but I know that most people understand the basic concept of feeling happy.
So when I say my brother is happy, it’s not like he’s bouncing off walls and always adding LOVE!!! and YES!!! and COOL!!! after everything he says and does. He’s always had a very quiet satisfaction about his life. And he’ll admit this so it’s not like I’m passing unfair judgment. He has no qualms with self-delusion. He knows a large part of that contentment and deep satisfaction with himself and his life comes from encouraging his mind to reinforce his ego. In other words, he deludes himself into thinking he’s sheer awesomesauce. lol.
Wherever he goes, he has this satisfying smirk on his face and is often laughing at himself in pure self-amusement. My uncle once came to visit us and remarked immediately about my brother that he would always be happy and successful in life.
It’s true. With such a strong built-in mechanism for self-delusion, you are bound to ALWAYS uncover the brighter side of everything. I don’t think delusion is a bad thing at all but it only works if you are purely focused on the now and in the moment and not standing above yourself at all times analyzing every aspect of your thought. That’s what I do and it’s infuriating because it will not allow me to employ synthetic happiness.
I will say I actually got pretty annoyed watching the Dan Gilbert TED video because of his attitude about synthetic happiness. I almost want everyone who speaks about how to achieve happiness to say two things. 1) It is okay to not always be happy and 2) We are too varied a species to achieve happiness in the same way. By saying this, it eliminates the pressure that we must all conform to the same type of happiness. Genetics, socioeconomic, and environment will play a large part in the variances of our ability to “stumble upon happiness.”
And so my own personal reaction to the video was this:
"So basically you're saying I should indulge is self-delusion to chase happiness??"
“Synthetic happiness is a form of self-delusion. It's a rational mechanism we produce when boxed in...it's a survival mechanism..not real happiness nor should it be a valid replacement in my opinion for natural happiness...not unless we want to be creatures of ignorance.”
And it wasn’t until I had calmed my nerves that I applied those two things I mentioned earlier that should be said before engaging in discussions about happiness. Then it was easier for me to process the idea of synthetic happiness and while it’s not something that works for me, I do believe people can live amazingly happy and lives from this theory. Even though I think he’s self-deluded in many respects, I often envy my brother.
Video: Dan Gilbert’s TED Talk- Why Are we Happy?
And here is my chat with Jemimus in the MetaTalks bindpoint channel about the Talk. You can see how my cynical my mind is:
(mouse over the chat box to stop text from scrolling up)
I was talking to a friend the other day about how our society tends to define how we’re supposed to view relationships. It’s funny that we grow up with a concept of belonging.
Ever since I was a child, hell even back to first grade, it was engrained in our heads that to be attached is the ideal. If you didn’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend you were a loser, a loner, and unlovable. I watched all of my friends hook up in grade school. It was a BIG deal to have a steady boyfriend/girlfriend. It was serious.
That’s the way it looked from the way our culture sets it up. It was all set in bold even more by the fact that break-ups were huge! There they were, these kids, not even twelve years old feeling as if they had failed at life because they couldn’t make a relationship last more than six months. All that mattered was that you belonged to someone.
I had a unique perspective obviously because I never hooked up with anyone. I was able to observe from the outside. I asked my dad a lot why I didn’t have a boyfriend. He would say that it would happen when it happens like it was going to be some cosmic magical force that was destined in life. Looking back, I find it rather absurd and amusing. I guess he certainly couldn’t have just said, “you don’t fit the standard mold of what people are looking for.” That would have been too cruel so I thank him for that.
In retrospect, I’m very glad I never had to ride the crazy rollercoaster of relationship issues my peers went through. At a certain point in high school, I decided I didn’t really need boys (or girls) to feel whole. My girlfriends would spend so much time obsessing and lamenting and constantly saying, “I need a man! I need a man! I want a man!”
My mantra back to them is, “You don’t need a man.” But the truth was that they didn’t just want a man. They were longing to feel whole. For most of the people around me, all I hear is how life isn’t complete without a dedicated companion. So you can imagine how disappointed people spend their whole lives based on this concept?!
I wonder why in our culture we aren’t taught to think we are enough and it’s simply the sharing and growth we gain from other people that makes the human connection so powerful and beautiful. It’s just such an unhealthy perception that we need someone else to make ourselves happy, to be complete.
It feels great no doubt, to let yourself fall…To allow those social constructs of happiness seem to check themselves off the list. Even the most cynical of people want to fall in love, get married, and share a lasting, passionate, comfortable life together. The sad truth though is that no one can “make” you happy except you and that’s a scary fact to be confronted with. It’s way easier to put your life’s happiness in the hands of an external force.
Of course after all my stupid psychoanalyzing and coming to terms with this, I have not yet come to any solution as to become my own source of happiness. I guess just like everyone else, I’m hoping it’s as simple the happiness fairy coming by and sprinkling me with happy dust. [insert pharmaceutical joke here]. And this where I loop back around to my default defense mechanism: Isn’t happiness over-rated? If we chase happiness, won’t we always feel unhappy?
The Maxx is an American comic that was turned into an animated series by MTV in the 90s. It's a bit complicated but that's what I loved about the series as well as Aeon Flux. It wasn't until I watched those that I realized animations and comics had any depth to them (the exception being Winnie the Pooh and his great philosophies regarding the simplicities of life). Later on, I discovered anime and loved it.
This entire story line almost entirely takes place in the subconscious mind which is why I love it so much. It follows this woman who goes to help a man and ends up raped, beaten, and left to die. The world that is created in the comic is all about the psychological "Outback" in which she is able to deal with learning how to cope again.
The Maxx is sort of her guardian that is linked to her subconscious. In the real world, he's a homeless hopeless guy but in her Outback, he's a more effective protector. The dynamic of the two worlds is done very well and more importantly to me, it successfully visualizes the complexity of the human mind. I love how in depth they explore the psyche and how difficult it is to repair yourself alone.
I think I see the Meta a lot like the "Outback" but obviously not on the same traumatic story scale as Julie's plight. To a degree, I believe so many people are escaping or migrating to the Meta because they're trying to take control of something they can't cope with or fully realize in the real world. I'm very interested in observing people as they create their own "Leopard Queen" personas. Inevitably, as great as we think it is to delve far from reality, just like Julie, we discover that the "Mr.Gone's" and "Isz" follow us. The real challenge is allowing the Meta to help us find ourselves again and then returning back to reality better and more intact and not completely lost. Dilemma, I know.
Anyhow, the Animated Series ends well before the actual story line gets crazier which I think is good. It was already probably well over most people's level of psychoanalytical flavoring. I signed a petition a few years ago to try and get The Maxx produced to dvd. And I recently bought the animated series as soon as it became available on DVD. I think I might watch that this weekend.
Maybe I can figure out how to extinguish my own iszs. Here's a link/clip to the series if you want to check it out:
So when I bought my kite at the World Wind Kite Shop, the guy at the counter paused and looked up at me and smiled. He chuckled and said, "so this one... it will take 10-15 mins to set up. You might want to practice first."
I think what he meant to say was "LAWLZ. good luck flying a ship in the wind!"
The assembly wasn't too bad actually although I got the sails backwards at first. During construction, it kept wanting to take off on its own. However, while I tried to launch it, it would never catch wind. The wind totally started to die down and there were no good gusts.
I was totally determined though to make this thing fly! I finally caught it on a strong breeze after many, many attempts and it launched! I kept having to run around and try to catch more breezes. The wind really needs to be pretty strong for this type of kite.
It's also kind of crazy out there during the Zilker Park Kite Festival because of tangling lines and crossing over each other. Many people got caught in crazy webs! I was fortunate to not get crisscrossed. I got my kite sailing for about 10 minutes before the wind got too low to make a decent flight.
It was a lovely day though. I only wish it had been a bit windier. I'll post more pics tomorrow. I had to go to an unexpected but lovely dinner after the festival so I got back home a lot later than I had planned.
Mission make a boat fly though was a success! I'm quite glad the festival got postponed to this weekend so I got a chance to experience it.
Singed. that's what connections are to me. they singe my "soul"
I am forever effected and the memory of that connection lasts with me. I've asked my friends in the past if they ever think about or reflect on the people from their past. They usually say they don't give it much thought. if someone isn't around then they aren't in their minds..they are forgotten.
I try a lot to forget sometimes but I can't. Maybe I allow connections to grab too strong a hold on me. Even some of the briefest meetings have left lasting impressions on me...sometimes it's just a facial expression I remember or even the few words exchanged... sometimes something super minor like how they looked at their shoe while talking. So you can imagine if someone has had any significance in my life that the impression goes very deep.
I don't let go easily..certainly not in my head. Physically I let people slip in and out of my life as they please..this is because I hate the thought that someone is only around me because I want them to be... I hate forced relationships. I'm fairly easy to put down and pick up I think...although I know some people wouldn't agree. It's just that I don't like the fuss of definitions..either we are or we aren’t connecting.
Anyhow, in a very selfish way, I think that being forgotten is extremely sad. I know it shouldn’t make me sad because when someone has no impact on your life anymore..why should it matter if they ever remembered you? I guess it’s that fear of just being like a ghost..that you pass through people without leaving a mark…that you leave no impressions.
I’ve become sort of obsessed with the flower Forget-me-nots lately. I keep trying to figure out how to obtain some to keep by my window. And since I probably can’t find any around here, I might try to get a picture print of some for my wall. This flower represents to me that we all transfer pieces of ourselves through our connections with others even if our touch is light. The blooms on the flowers occur in groups and are almost always touching one another and and often times the clusters generate a heart shape.
They’re sweet I think. Today I focus on the good remembrances…tomorrow I might delve into the ones I actually do wish I could forget… heh. Always a flip side.
