Yes, Birthdays are a big thing for me. I don't know why. I guess because my parents always made such a big deal out of them since I turned one. So I always get super excited on my birthday even though growing up has started sucking. lol.
This year's birthday has been super special. The lovely birthday wishes from my twitter friends..people who I haven't even said hello to yet before just meant so much to me.
And my dearest meta friends sent me this amazing audio recording that just touched me soooo deeply. I don't normally get emotional about these sort of things but this just left me near tears. Gah, age has made me a weaker bot! I need a reboot! hehehe.
A super special THANK YOU SO MUCH FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY BLACK HEART to @Chewyfruitloop, @Strumpet101, @Jemimus, @Kichelle, @Ejji_Happens, @Phoenix 1914
Happy Birthday Alachia mp3
/CHEER
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!! /HUGS
Christmas Eve
Sitting here, doped up on all sorts of cold medications with my laptop on my lap and my little Daisy girl snuggled up to the left of me. My parents actually put up a Christmas tree this year so I'm happy. I should be tired by now since I took a lot of medication that's supposed to make me drowsy but even Valium didn't make me sleepy so this measly Nyquil stuff probably won't do much. Maybe I'm also just a bit excited about Christmas tomorrow.
I'm not sure why Christmas is still a big thing for me. You'd think I would have grown out of it by now but I still get quite a rush on Christmas morning. And even though I can buy all the presents for myself now, I still love unwrapping gifts from friends and family. I guess I like the idea of giving a lot.
This year, I don't think I deserve any presents after the shit I put everyone in my life through. But my therapist says it's not good to put the blame of your psychological issues on you as if you had a choice to be this way etc. It's just hard not to accept the blame sometimes though. Everyone does it to an extent when things go wrong in their life.
I can't say I'm sad to see this year come to an end though. While it was an interesting learning and growing experience, I'm ready to move on and stop the stalling and start the "becoming".. etc. My biggest goal for next year is to self-actuate and stop being so dependent on the approval and happiness of people in my life.. especially my family. I have to really learn how to let go of the negativity from other people NOT being okay with my choices and my ideas.
I also need to learn how to let go of the negative in my life, let it pass and not dwell in it till I get super pruny from sadness. That's the beauty of the Lexapro drug I've been taking. It's like I can see the sadness and the negative thoughts.. but for some reason, this drug inhibits me from attaching myself to them. They exist but they don't suffocate me like they used to. I hate that I'm medicated but hell if it gets me through the day without wanting to jump in front of a train, I'll take it.
Okay, just realized this post wasn't very Christmas cheerful. I guess I'm not super cheerful in text always. But if you could see me right now, I'm doing a little couch dance and humming We Wish You a Merry Christmas...but in a drugged up, stuffy sort of way. *achoooo* excuse me.
Guess I better try to rest a bit since Christmas is just around the clock. Hopefully I won't be too bunged up for tearing open presents tomorrow.
Here's to the 5 year old kid in all of us! cheers. Merry Christmas!
I want 1/10th my brother’s ego
Had to share this dream my brother had the other night that exemplifies what an ego he has. It’s not just an act, it’s deep within his psyche.
So in his dream, he went to work and they said they were going to lay off the bottom 18 people developers in the company (he’s a programmer). And he was told he was in that group and that he would be laid off.
He was like “F- that! They can’t fire me! I’m one of their best devs.” etc. So as he was walking out of the building, he said to himself, “no, this is impossible. I could never get fired. This is a dream. I’m going to fly.”
And then he heaved himself into the air and started flying.
LMAO.
How to Raise the Perfect Dog
This book is by the "dog whisperer" and was given to me by my brother once I got Daisy. He had already read the thing start to finish. At first, I was pretty skeptical because all his puppy examples really showed just positive outcomes but what I wanted to learn was how to deal with the ones that don't respond to the lessons.
A couple of 5am reading sessions while up with Daisy and I learned quite a bit about the way we handle dogs. The most important lesson is that dogs are not toddlers. Cesar basically explains that if you treat your dog like a 2 year old, you will get one that acts like a two year old. You have to treat your puppy like a dog. It's an animal and its learning instincts are based on animal behaviors.
As a loving mommy of a uber uber uber cute puppy, it's difficult, but I have to stop myself from being the adoring mom and act like the pack leader. My discipline and training usually involves mimicking what would be her mother through repetition, silent stares, and assertive dominance.
So far it works but there are times I slip up and want to just reason with her like a four year old. It really sucks that she's so cute sometimes.
Daisy
They say you aren't supposed to just get a puppy to fix your life but I couldn't help it. I fell in love as soon as I saw her.
I found her last weekend online while surfing for Morkies after spending all day with Winnie. I've been thinking about her ever since I saw her picture. Finally Friday night, I couldn't resist anymore. That'll teach me to skip my therapy session.
She's ten weeks old and weighs 1.5 lbs. She is playful, loves cheerios, and is the definition of adorable.
You can tell she's mine cuz she's down with the Sunkist. lol. I put the can there to give scale. I'm not sure how big she'll get. She's probably going to be about 5lbs I think.
I know it's strange but she reminds me a lot of Qtpi. Her mannerism is very similar even though her size is not. Yesterday she got introduced to her cousin Winnie. Although she's only a quarter of Winnie's size, she ended up freaking her cousin out and chasing her around. It was the opposite of what we though would happen. Great, I'm raising the bully. lol.
Hopefully, they get used to each other and learn how to play nicely so that I can have some chillax time again. Right now, potty training is my first priority.
FYI, she did not drink any of my Diet Sunkist but she is being given sugar water to help prevent hypoglycemia since she's so little. So it's kind of like she's drinking soda water. :) That's my girl.
I might not have enough hard drive space for her pics.
Trapping Light
Days are dark for me now. No, dark isn’t the right description because the world around me is so full of light. I just feel the constant pain of guilt. It has torn through me and my conscious until I just can’t bare to think anymore. I feel guilty for being miserable and sad. I feel guilty for the moments I am happy as well as sinking. I feel guilty for being alive because I don’t appreciate it.
You get to this point where you know that reality around you feels like it’s distorted but then you know that it is really only in your own mind that things are out of place. I feel like this darkness clouding all the beautiful things around me, including all the people I love. And I want to be their happiness but I don’t know how.
They say when you are depressed, you are unable to think for yourself but I didn’t quite know what that meant until recently. I’m always thinking, my head is always full. The problem happens when the the under-toe comes and the structures of your emotions start to collapse. You don’t get to control anymore your effect, your will, or your logic. Everything in that moment is lost to an idea in your mind that is fixated on the misery within. It’s not logical, it’s not thinking. It’s a suffering to a part of yourself that you wish didn’t exist.
And it has a horrible effect on the people around you which only furthers the guilt. I feel guilty for not being able to fix myself, be happy, and just walk the paved path of human existence that comes so naturally to those around me. That’s why you end up faking it as long as you can because this collapse doesn’t just make you feel helpless, it makes everyone who cares for you feel helpless too.
It is heartbreaking to hear those I love ask if they are the cause of my unhappiness. If there wasn’t something they could be doing or should be doing. If maybe it’s their effect on my life that has driven me to this temporary madness. And beyond anything, they want to see you better because your happiness is so tied to theirs.
But I can’t deliver and I can no longer pretend either. So instead I feel guilty that I can’t find solutions and feel more alienated from the world than ever. And a part of me wants to escape from that feeling so badly at times that I wish for an eternal numbness. Of course, this makes me feel the most guilty of all. I hate the paradox of being human. Life is both astonishingly beautiful, wonderful, and hopeful as well as it is complex, burdensome and often tragic.
/read
I used to love to read when I was younger. I would dive into books and read for hours and hours. I loved escaping into the stories and allowing the music playing in the background start to effect the entire mood of the book. There are still some soundtracks that will take me back to certain chapters of books.
But after grad school and being forced to read thousands of pages of stuff I hated, I grew a very strong distaste for reading all together. It was hard to shake that discomfort of physically reading after that so I kind of stopped all together.
I've tried several times to pick up a book but after the first page, I'm filled with anxiety and boredom (the overwhelming feelings I had when reading essays for grad school). I'm starting to think I'll never be able to read a book again which is kind of sad considering I remember how much I used to love it.
I also can't really justify buying a nifty e-reader in the future if I don't start reading again. :)
The other day, I was killing time at Borders book store before my therapy session and was perusing through the self-help section. There are so many books on how to fix yourself but none of them really made sense to me. I don't know what qualifies people to write most of this nonsense.
Like this one book my mom gave me called "The Power of the Subconscious Mind" where the author tells you to plant the seed of thought into your head. He then tells you to nourish the seed and let it grow in your subconscious.
One of the examples he used was of a student in his class who really wanted a car so she used the power of the subconscious mind and planted the seed in her head. She visualized what the car would look like, how she would feel getting into it, and even how it would smell. Every day she worked on this visualization and low and behold, one day her uncle died and she inherited his car.......
yeah... I was like wtf?
Anyhow, after giving up on the self-help books, I walked over to the fantasy section and saw Terry Goodkind's Wizard's First Rule. I've been meaning to read this book ever since watching Legend of the Seeker. My brother considers it one of his favorite all time books. And I've only heard great things about this series in particular.
So I figure I'll pick it up and make myself read at least five pages every day (starting really small so I don't give up fast). I'm hoping that after the first chapter, I'll have rebooted my love for reading. I will say the first five pages are already interesting to me as they didn't begin with a six paragraph description of a leaf blowing in the wind (sorry Robert Jordon). It'll take me some time to work my way back to trying The Eye of the World again.
I don't know why but I consider escaping into a fantasy world of books a lot safer than the fantasy world of games. Right now I'm too afraid to get back into gaming for fear that I might lose myself completely to them. The desire to escape or run away from my own emotions in real life are very great. I have to be careful. Books seem like a safer alternative to gaming as they are far less emersive.
