Lately I've been completely depressed. I don't know what it is. It's nothing in particular I suppose. I guess I just feel this overwhelming sense of loneliness.
It's not that I don't have people around me. In fact, lately, I've been keeping myself in conversations and talking to people constantly. But just because you're around people doesn't make you feel less lonely.
The problem is that I'm not free to say the things I want to say sometimes. I'm trapped by not having any real confidants to confide in and so I keep everything to myself..the real things I want to say and feel. I have to become this storm inside myself while projecting the most clear and calm exterior.
It's not that anything I'm feeling or need to say is even remotely profound. On a local scale, it might register as a 3, and on a global scale it doesn't even qualify for a 1 rating.
My problems, my concerns, the things that torture me inside aren't that important. I just mostly long for a real connection. A person who would actually care about my most mundane, minute moments of angst and frustration..my most mundane, minute moments of joy.
And the part I think that does depress me greatly is that there just isn't another human being who could live inside my head nor would I ever expect there to be. And so I'm sort of like my own living prison of thoughts and confusion.
Even more so depressing is the idea that I want to get away from myself. And when you don't even like yourself and you want to escape from yourself, what does this say about others? I just don't belong to myself and it depresses me to no end.
Chapter 17: Sick of my Selves
I have way too many fucking identities. I've said this like a million times now. The truth is that I just simply can not be who everyone wants me to be. I have a hateful, sadistic, loathing, and deviant side to me that most people I know in real life would shun me for.
Seriously, they would.
And the truth is, not everyone can handle every chapter of your life. Some people are unshockable and others are shocked at the slightest variation from the norm.
Currently, I'm sporting about 4 different identities, the most guarded identity is my RL one only because it has to remain the most artificial. By guarded, I mean from my own emotional and intellectual conscious. Almost every frame of my thinking would shame my parents, my relatives, and all of my colleagues.
That I even tag this blog to my online persona of "Alachia" is already a slight risk.
I'm pretty confident though that it's layered too deeply in the meta for most people to find it. Hell, at this point, I think only two people have even discovered its existence...which to me is rather comforting.
But I think this just goes to show how many layers normal human beings guise themsevles under. I would imagine quite a few people are like me out there. Where there is this level of expression that remains repressed and hidden.
I keep thinking how lost in my own mind I've become. Because my identities are so scattered, I tend to lose focus a lot. And it saddens me that I have to be singular in thought rather than all encompassing, complex creature.
I think it's mostly just my commentary on society and how there is always going to be this degree of expectations on how we should behave.
Take Facebook for example. Here's this social networking website dedicated with keeping in touch with acquaintances and friends. About 90% of my facebook is comprised of old highschool classmates and co-workers and a few family members. To be honest, I'm only on there to keep in touch with a few people and the rest is out of morbid curiosity. I'm a total stalker. I like to watch and learn things about people...to take a sort of anthropological notations on their lives. What was and what is of who they all once were.
But the truth is that I don't care about any of them. It would make no difference to me if they were dead or alive really. And it's not like I'm getting much valuable information about them in terms of human interest either. The closest someone's life on Facebook came to interesting was when an old classmate had an open-chat fight with her family about politics.
That was as real as its ever gotten. The rest are just shallow sort of blips of an online show and tell. I've actually have a facebook friend who has over 1000 friends on his account. I'm thinking to myself, what are the odds that any of these people actually have a real vested interest in this guy? And WHY does one need 1000 friends? I'm already overwhelmed with 4 or 5 friends.
Each friend I have though is sort of associated with one of my identities. And it's quite bizarre actually that the friends who are more associated with my core are the people I have the least amount of RL association with...
And it's all the disassociations that I'm having to come to terms with. That there will always be a disconnect with who I am from who I am to any given number of people is a hard reality to swallow.
Seriously, they would.
And the truth is, not everyone can handle every chapter of your life. Some people are unshockable and others are shocked at the slightest variation from the norm.
Currently, I'm sporting about 4 different identities, the most guarded identity is my RL one only because it has to remain the most artificial. By guarded, I mean from my own emotional and intellectual conscious. Almost every frame of my thinking would shame my parents, my relatives, and all of my colleagues.
That I even tag this blog to my online persona of "Alachia" is already a slight risk.
I'm pretty confident though that it's layered too deeply in the meta for most people to find it. Hell, at this point, I think only two people have even discovered its existence...which to me is rather comforting.
But I think this just goes to show how many layers normal human beings guise themsevles under. I would imagine quite a few people are like me out there. Where there is this level of expression that remains repressed and hidden.
I keep thinking how lost in my own mind I've become. Because my identities are so scattered, I tend to lose focus a lot. And it saddens me that I have to be singular in thought rather than all encompassing, complex creature.
I think it's mostly just my commentary on society and how there is always going to be this degree of expectations on how we should behave.
Take Facebook for example. Here's this social networking website dedicated with keeping in touch with acquaintances and friends. About 90% of my facebook is comprised of old highschool classmates and co-workers and a few family members. To be honest, I'm only on there to keep in touch with a few people and the rest is out of morbid curiosity. I'm a total stalker. I like to watch and learn things about people...to take a sort of anthropological notations on their lives. What was and what is of who they all once were.
But the truth is that I don't care about any of them. It would make no difference to me if they were dead or alive really. And it's not like I'm getting much valuable information about them in terms of human interest either. The closest someone's life on Facebook came to interesting was when an old classmate had an open-chat fight with her family about politics.
That was as real as its ever gotten. The rest are just shallow sort of blips of an online show and tell. I've actually have a facebook friend who has over 1000 friends on his account. I'm thinking to myself, what are the odds that any of these people actually have a real vested interest in this guy? And WHY does one need 1000 friends? I'm already overwhelmed with 4 or 5 friends.
Each friend I have though is sort of associated with one of my identities. And it's quite bizarre actually that the friends who are more associated with my core are the people I have the least amount of RL association with...
And it's all the disassociations that I'm having to come to terms with. That there will always be a disconnect with who I am from who I am to any given number of people is a hard reality to swallow.
Chapter 14: And the Laughter is Gone
My hands are tied in a relationship made of right
Where wrong has no light
And I do everything in the perfect way
Coloring in the lines
Because you’re not sure
If the living is a lie
Or if you’ll end up lonely when you die
The doors are all locked
When you have to choose
Between time and laughter
Take your happiness now or later
It’s hard to know
That one day you’ll be unable to grow
And that your chances
Have all gone by
And you can blame the dream
They told you when you were young
That this is right and wrong
Regardless of if you’re dead inside
And the laughter is gone
Where wrong has no light
And I do everything in the perfect way
Coloring in the lines
Because you’re not sure
If the living is a lie
Or if you’ll end up lonely when you die
The doors are all locked
When you have to choose
Between time and laughter
Take your happiness now or later
It’s hard to know
That one day you’ll be unable to grow
And that your chances
Have all gone by
And you can blame the dream
They told you when you were young
That this is right and wrong
Regardless of if you’re dead inside
And the laughter is gone
Chapter 13: Yes, No, Maybe So
Either you do or you don't. And while you don't want to obviously commit political assassination, you can't play coy and dub yourself the King of Change. You are either FOR gay marriage or you're NOT. It's really not that difficult a stance to take.
You either believe everyone has the right to marriage or you believe that marriage is defined by some moral or religious code. I guess maybe I'm not seeing the correct picture?
President-elect Obama sent his VP pick Joe Biden up on a National Television platform to state to the entire world:
First statement: "The fact of the matter is that under the Constitution we should be granted – same-sex couples should be able to have visitation rights in hospitals, joint ownership of property, life insurance policies, etc. that’s only fair. It’s what the Constitution calls for. And so we do support it. We do support making sure that committed couples in a same-sex marriage are guaranteed the same constitutional benefits as it relates to their property rights, their rights of visitation, their rights to insurance, their rights to ownership as heterosexual couples do."
Second statement: "No. Neither Barack Obama nor I support redefining from a civil side what constitutes marriage. We do not support that."
How do you support equal rights and not support redefining from a civil side something that would validate those equal rights? It's what makes the most sense. I don't think you can say "I only agree people should have rights under certain definitions and conditions"
Then Obama goes on record saying: "I believe marriage is between a man and a woman. I am not in favor of gay marriage. But when you start playing around with constitutions, just to prohibit somebody who cares about another person, it just seems to me that's not what America's about. Usually, our constitutions expand liberties, they don't contract them."
So he states that he's not for gay marriage and yet he tries to cover it with, but if there is gay marriage, let us not stir any hornet's nests shall we? What is this? Is that him trying to throw the gay community a bone? Let us have a few states and call it even?
I know he's trying to stabilize the nation and not draw lines in the sand however there are some fences you just simply can not ride. You have to eventually come down on one side or the other. I hope he finally decides to grow a pair and make a stand.
People say that the President holds no power over constitutional amendments and state laws etc. But a leader of a nation can be the voice of a movement or idea and can influence the media and popular belief. They just have to be brave enough to be hated for a little while...
You either believe everyone has the right to marriage or you believe that marriage is defined by some moral or religious code. I guess maybe I'm not seeing the correct picture?
President-elect Obama sent his VP pick Joe Biden up on a National Television platform to state to the entire world:
First statement: "The fact of the matter is that under the Constitution we should be granted – same-sex couples should be able to have visitation rights in hospitals, joint ownership of property, life insurance policies, etc. that’s only fair. It’s what the Constitution calls for. And so we do support it. We do support making sure that committed couples in a same-sex marriage are guaranteed the same constitutional benefits as it relates to their property rights, their rights of visitation, their rights to insurance, their rights to ownership as heterosexual couples do."
Second statement: "No. Neither Barack Obama nor I support redefining from a civil side what constitutes marriage. We do not support that."
How do you support equal rights and not support redefining from a civil side something that would validate those equal rights? It's what makes the most sense. I don't think you can say "I only agree people should have rights under certain definitions and conditions"
Then Obama goes on record saying: "I believe marriage is between a man and a woman. I am not in favor of gay marriage. But when you start playing around with constitutions, just to prohibit somebody who cares about another person, it just seems to me that's not what America's about. Usually, our constitutions expand liberties, they don't contract them."
So he states that he's not for gay marriage and yet he tries to cover it with, but if there is gay marriage, let us not stir any hornet's nests shall we? What is this? Is that him trying to throw the gay community a bone? Let us have a few states and call it even?
I know he's trying to stabilize the nation and not draw lines in the sand however there are some fences you just simply can not ride. You have to eventually come down on one side or the other. I hope he finally decides to grow a pair and make a stand.
People say that the President holds no power over constitutional amendments and state laws etc. But a leader of a nation can be the voice of a movement or idea and can influence the media and popular belief. They just have to be brave enough to be hated for a little while...
Chapter 12: If You're Gay and You Know It
Yes, if you're gay and you know it, clap your hands
If you're happy and you know it, slap yourself for voting for someone who doesn't believe you deserve to be happy!
So yes, Obama was probably the lesser of two evils. He was the champion savior of our nation!! He's going to be the glue that puts our nation back together! He's the second coming! Of course, anyone would seem that way after eight years of Bush.
What completely drives me insane is hearing the fellow gay community stand in outrage about Prop 8 and the lackluster movement for equal rights of homosexuals. You practically carried in Obama into office on a platter of gold, frankincense and mirth! He made absolutely no move to stand up for gay rights. His VP pick outright said that they don't believe that gays should have the right to marriage.
Yet you laud him? He chooses pastor Rick Warren to deliver the invocation at the presidential inauguration. This is someone who has made a clear deliverance on his beliefs about gay marriage and abortion rights. There had to have been other choices and clearly he's picked the voice of the majority. People make excuses for him left and right, saying Obama tries to choose middle ground to pull everyone together and therefore he's allowed to turn his back on certain issues.
I say, the easiest way to be popular is to not fight anyone and agree with everyone and stand up for nothing. It's those who aren't afraid to be hated and loathed who are willing to fight.
So yes, I'm laughing at all of the Obama fanatic gay rights activists who thought somehow once he was elected, he'd see the light and decide equal rights for gays was something he'd magically put on his agenda.
And that's what happens when you settle. So now we wait quietly until a voice emerges that is our own.
If you're gay and you know it, shame on you for voting for someone who doesn't have the balls to believe you deserve to be happy.
If you're happy and you know it, slap yourself for voting for someone who doesn't believe you deserve to be happy!
So yes, Obama was probably the lesser of two evils. He was the champion savior of our nation!! He's going to be the glue that puts our nation back together! He's the second coming! Of course, anyone would seem that way after eight years of Bush.
What completely drives me insane is hearing the fellow gay community stand in outrage about Prop 8 and the lackluster movement for equal rights of homosexuals. You practically carried in Obama into office on a platter of gold, frankincense and mirth! He made absolutely no move to stand up for gay rights. His VP pick outright said that they don't believe that gays should have the right to marriage.
Yet you laud him? He chooses pastor Rick Warren to deliver the invocation at the presidential inauguration. This is someone who has made a clear deliverance on his beliefs about gay marriage and abortion rights. There had to have been other choices and clearly he's picked the voice of the majority. People make excuses for him left and right, saying Obama tries to choose middle ground to pull everyone together and therefore he's allowed to turn his back on certain issues.
I say, the easiest way to be popular is to not fight anyone and agree with everyone and stand up for nothing. It's those who aren't afraid to be hated and loathed who are willing to fight.
So yes, I'm laughing at all of the Obama fanatic gay rights activists who thought somehow once he was elected, he'd see the light and decide equal rights for gays was something he'd magically put on his agenda.
And that's what happens when you settle. So now we wait quietly until a voice emerges that is our own.
If you're gay and you know it, shame on you for voting for someone who doesn't have the balls to believe you deserve to be happy.
