alachia

Tumble on Down

2011-02-02T02:09:00.000-08:00

Who knew that something as simple as direct use-ability would make all the difference in the mentality of blog posting? There is something about Tumblr that just screams, "click here and blurb real quick, kk?"

As opposed to all the other bloggings sites I've used before with the exception of Live Journal which had this awesome desktop client that was super easy to use. Blogger just always made me feel like I had to have a purpose for writing and so it would weigh on my mind about what to post and then I wouldn't.

I think it's pretty evident in the amount of posts I've done...in the first month of using Tumblr, I've made 107 posts as opposed to the 87 posts I did here in blogger for the WHOLE of last year! I know, crazy.

Anyhow, as long as I can survive the tumbeasts while Tumblr figures out how to keep their servers up, I'll probably mostly be on tumblr.

http://littlegreendot.tumblr.com/

Happy META Birthday to Me!

2010-12-29T13:44:00.000-08:00

Yes, Birthdays are a big thing for me. I don't know why. I guess because my parents always made such a big deal out of them since I turned one. So I always get super excited on my birthday even though growing up has started sucking. lol.

This year's birthday has been super special. The lovely birthday wishes from my twitter friends..people who I haven't even said hello to yet before just meant so much to me.

And my dearest meta friends sent me this amazing audio recording that just touched me soooo deeply. I don't normally get emotional about these sort of things but this just left me near tears. Gah, age has made me a weaker bot! I need a reboot! hehehe.

A super special THANK YOU SO MUCH FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY BLACK HEART to @Chewyfruitloop, @Strumpet101, @Jemimus, @Kichelle, @Ejji_Happens, @Phoenix 1914

Happy Birthday Alachia mp3

/CHEER

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!! /HUGS

Christmas Eve

2010-12-24T20:17:00.000-08:00

Sitting here, doped up on all sorts of cold medications with my laptop on my lap and my little Daisy girl snuggled up to the left of me. My parents actually put up a Christmas tree this year so I'm happy. I should be tired by now since I took a lot of medication that's supposed to make me drowsy but even Valium didn't make me sleepy so this measly Nyquil stuff probably won't do much. Maybe I'm also just a bit excited about Christmas tomorrow.

I'm not sure why Christmas is still a big thing for me. You'd think I would have grown out of it by now but I still get quite a rush on Christmas morning. And even though I can buy all the presents for myself now, I still love unwrapping gifts from friends and family. I guess I like the idea of giving a lot.

This year, I don't think I deserve any presents after the shit I put everyone in my life through. But my therapist says it's not good to put the blame of your psychological issues on you as if you had a choice to be this way etc. It's just hard not to accept the blame sometimes though. Everyone does it to an extent when things go wrong in their life.

I can't say I'm sad to see this year come to an end though. While it was an interesting learning and growing experience, I'm ready to move on and stop the stalling and start the "becoming".. etc. My biggest goal for next year is to self-actuate and stop being so dependent on the approval and happiness of people in my life.. especially my family. I have to really learn how to let go of the negativity from other people NOT being okay with my choices and my ideas.

I also need to learn how to let go of the negative in my life, let it pass and not dwell in it till I get super pruny from sadness. That's the beauty of the Lexapro drug I've been taking. It's like I can see the sadness and the negative thoughts.. but for some reason, this drug inhibits me from attaching myself to them. They exist but they don't suffocate me like they used to. I hate that I'm medicated but hell if it gets me through the day without wanting to jump in front of a train, I'll take it.

Okay, just realized this post wasn't very Christmas cheerful. I guess I'm not super cheerful in text always. But if you could see me right now, I'm doing a little couch dance and humming We Wish You a Merry Christmas...but in a drugged up, stuffy sort of way. *achoooo* excuse me.

Guess I better try to rest a bit since Christmas is just around the clock. Hopefully I won't be too bunged up for tearing open presents tomorrow.

Here's to the 5 year old kid in all of us! cheers. Merry Christmas!

I want 1/10th my brother’s ego

2010-10-07T07:53:00.001-07:00

Had to share this dream my brother had the other night that exemplifies what an ego he has. It’s not just an act, it’s deep within his psyche.

So in his dream, he went to work and they said they were going to lay off the bottom 18 people developers in the company (he’s a programmer). And he was told he was in that group and that he would be laid off.

He was like “F- that! They can’t fire me! I’m one of their best devs.” etc. So as he was walking out of the building, he said to himself, “no, this is impossible. I could never get fired. This is a dream. I’m going to fly.”

And then he heaved himself into the air and started flying.

LMAO.

How to Raise the Perfect Dog

2010-08-26T07:39:00.001-07:00

2010.11, originally uploaded by alachia.

This book is by the "dog whisperer" and was given to me by my brother once I got Daisy. He had already read the thing start to finish. At first, I was pretty skeptical because all his puppy examples really showed just positive outcomes but what I wanted to learn was how to deal with the ones that don't respond to the lessons.

A couple of 5am reading sessions while up with Daisy and I learned quite a bit about the way we handle dogs. The most important lesson is that dogs are not toddlers. Cesar basically explains that if you treat your dog like a 2 year old, you will get one that acts like a two year old. You have to treat your puppy like a dog. It's an animal and its learning instincts are based on animal behaviors.

As a loving mommy of a uber uber uber cute puppy, it's difficult, but I have to stop myself from being the adoring mom and act like the pack leader. My discipline and training usually involves mimicking what would be her mother through repetition, silent stares, and assertive dominance.

So far it works but there are times I slip up and want to just reason with her like a four year old. It really sucks that she's so cute sometimes.

Daisy

2010-08-15T09:39:00.001-07:00

Daisy, originally uploaded by alachia.

They say you aren't supposed to just get a puppy to fix your life but I couldn't help it. I fell in love as soon as I saw her.

I found her last weekend online while surfing for Morkies after spending all day with Winnie. I've been thinking about her ever since I saw her picture. Finally Friday night, I couldn't resist anymore. That'll teach me to skip my therapy session.

She's ten weeks old and weighs 1.5 lbs. She is playful, loves cheerios, and is the definition of adorable.

You can tell she's mine cuz she's down with the Sunkist. lol. I put the can there to give scale. I'm not sure how big she'll get. She's probably going to be about 5lbs I think.

I know it's strange but she reminds me a lot of Qtpi. Her mannerism is very similar even though her size is not. Yesterday she got introduced to her cousin Winnie. Although she's only a quarter of Winnie's size, she ended up freaking her cousin out and chasing her around. It was the opposite of what we though would happen. Great, I'm raising the bully. lol.

Hopefully, they get used to each other and learn how to play nicely so that I can have some chillax time again. Right now, potty training is my first priority.

FYI, she did not drink any of my Diet Sunkist but she is being given sugar water to help prevent hypoglycemia since she's so little. So it's kind of like she's drinking soda water. :) That's my girl.

I might not have enough hard drive space for her pics.

Trapping Light

2010-08-10T19:28:00.001-07:00

Trapping Light, originally uploaded by alachia.

Days are dark for me now. No, dark isn’t the right description because the world around me is so full of light. I just feel the constant pain of guilt. It has torn through me and my conscious until I just can’t bare to think anymore. I feel guilty for being miserable and sad. I feel guilty for the moments I am happy as well as sinking. I feel guilty for being alive because I don’t appreciate it.

You get to this point where you know that reality around you feels like it’s distorted but then you know that it is really only in your own mind that things are out of place. I feel like this darkness clouding all the beautiful things around me, including all the people I love. And I want to be their happiness but I don’t know how.

They say when you are depressed, you are unable to think for yourself but I didn’t quite know what that meant until recently. I’m always thinking, my head is always full. The problem happens when the the under-toe comes and the structures of your emotions start to collapse. You don’t get to control anymore your effect, your will, or your logic. Everything in that moment is lost to an idea in your mind that is fixated on the misery within. It’s not logical, it’s not thinking. It’s a suffering to a part of yourself that you wish didn’t exist.

And it has a horrible effect on the people around you which only furthers the guilt. I feel guilty for not being able to fix myself, be happy, and just walk the paved path of human existence that comes so naturally to those around me. That’s why you end up faking it as long as you can because this collapse doesn’t just make you feel helpless, it makes everyone who cares for you feel helpless too.

It is heartbreaking to hear those I love ask if they are the cause of my unhappiness. If there wasn’t something they could be doing or should be doing. If maybe it’s their effect on my life that has driven me to this temporary madness. And beyond anything, they want to see you better because your happiness is so tied to theirs.

But I can’t deliver and I can no longer pretend either. So instead I feel guilty that I can’t find solutions and feel more alienated from the world than ever. And a part of me wants to escape from that feeling so badly at times that I wish for an eternal numbness. Of course, this makes me feel the most guilty of all. I hate the paradox of being human. Life is both astonishingly beautiful, wonderful, and hopeful as well as it is complex, burdensome and often tragic.

/read

2010-07-31T08:06:00.001-07:00

Wizards First Rule, originally uploaded by alachia.

I used to love to read when I was younger. I would dive into books and read for hours and hours. I loved escaping into the stories and allowing the music playing in the background start to effect the entire mood of the book. There are still some soundtracks that will take me back to certain chapters of books.

But after grad school and being forced to read thousands of pages of stuff I hated, I grew a very strong distaste for reading all together. It was hard to shake that discomfort of physically reading after that so I kind of stopped all together.

I've tried several times to pick up a book but after the first page, I'm filled with anxiety and boredom (the overwhelming feelings I had when reading essays for grad school). I'm starting to think I'll never be able to read a book again which is kind of sad considering I remember how much I used to love it.

I also can't really justify buying a nifty e-reader in the future if I don't start reading again. :)

The other day, I was killing time at Borders book store before my therapy session and was perusing through the self-help section. There are so many books on how to fix yourself but none of them really made sense to me. I don't know what qualifies people to write most of this nonsense.

Like this one book my mom gave me called "The Power of the Subconscious Mind" where the author tells you to plant the seed of thought into your head. He then tells you to nourish the seed and let it grow in your subconscious.

One of the examples he used was of a student in his class who really wanted a car so she used the power of the subconscious mind and planted the seed in her head. She visualized what the car would look like, how she would feel getting into it, and even how it would smell. Every day she worked on this visualization and low and behold, one day her uncle died and she inherited his car.......

yeah... I was like wtf?

Anyhow, after giving up on the self-help books, I walked over to the fantasy section and saw Terry Goodkind's Wizard's First Rule. I've been meaning to read this book ever since watching Legend of the Seeker. My brother considers it one of his favorite all time books. And I've only heard great things about this series in particular.

So I figure I'll pick it up and make myself read at least five pages every day (starting really small so I don't give up fast). I'm hoping that after the first chapter, I'll have rebooted my love for reading. I will say the first five pages are already interesting to me as they didn't begin with a six paragraph description of a leaf blowing in the wind (sorry Robert Jordon). It'll take me some time to work my way back to trying The Eye of the World again.

I don't know why but I consider escaping into a fantasy world of books a lot safer than the fantasy world of games. Right now I'm too afraid to get back into gaming for fear that I might lose myself completely to them. The desire to escape or run away from my own emotions in real life are very great. I have to be careful. Books seem like a safer alternative to gaming as they are far less emersive.

My Therapist Says…

2010-07-29T07:53:00.001-07:00

I wasn’t sure if I was actually going to go through with it but as I walked through the Therapist’s office door, I thought to myself “whatever. let’s just do this.” And then I wasn’t sure if I was even in the right place. There was no receptionist, just a foyer with some chairs and magazines that led into more rooms. I wondered around a bit wondering if I was in the right place.

She finally came through the door and introduced herself to me. She brought me back to one rooms attached the main foyer and sat me down on an oversized lounge chair. I couldn’t get myself to lean back in it though and was pretty much on the edge of my seat the entire session (just the initial free consultation).

First thing she asked me was if I was able to find the place okay and then jumped right to “so what’s going on?”

I don’t even know what I said for the first few minutes but I do know that it all added up to something about having hidden my erratic mood levels including depression for over a year and how it ruined my relationship and crippled me as normal human being.

I told her that it seems no connection I ever have is good enough or strong enough for me. So much of my sadness is feeling like I just can’t connect. I said I didn’t understand why I keep longing for more than there is. What am I seeking?

She nodded and asked me about my relationships and my past history. She asked about school and work and my childhood. When I started to relay it all to her she seemed a bit confused at first at the amount of history. I think she had assumed I was younger so she finally asked me my age. Once I told her, it seemed to make better sense to her.

I talked a lot about how I fell out of love with my profession. I talked about my struggles with parents about life views and their influence over me. I talked about how angry I had been and how much blame I put on the people I love.

I basically stated I had reached a point where not even the things that should make me deliriously happy did. I didn’t see a point to anything. Simply put, nothing has meaning for me anymore. I have reached the pinnacle of existential absurdity.
I told her I had thought it was only a matter of me fixing my life at first but now know that the problem is deep within and up until a few weeks ago, I was totally in denial that I was depressed.

I see this state as weak. Crying is weakness. Not having control over your emotions is weak. I used to be so good at faking happiness. I used to have the mental capacity to compartmentalize my feelings. That’s all gone. I don’t even like to go out too much anymore because I often just tear up at the most inappropriate times. I try to pass it off as allergies but I think they know.

My biggest problem is that there will be moments where I am up and think I’m fine and okay again. I floated on that for awhile but then the lows would hit me without warning and I’d find myself downing. I never thought of it as an illness because I just assumed they were random fleeting moments. The thought of having a real mental illness was something I didn’t want to accept.

But there’s only so long you can float in and out without noticing you’re destroying the world around you, the people you love the most. I was alienating my family and friends and all my chances at happiness. I just can’t stand being around normal people when I’m like this so I shoved that world far away from me. I still find myself unable to be real with them. I turn myself “on” just so they don’t have to feel helpless about me. The rest I’ve just pushed away probably destroying some of the best of relationships in the process.

“I’m broken. I realize that,” I told her when she asked me if I was aware I was depressed. I thought it was an odd question for her to ask but maybe she was wondering if a part of me was still in denial. Because of my extreme highs and lows, lack of need for sleep, wild productivity spurts, and abnormally high sex drive, I’m pretty convinced I might have bipolar disorder.

I admitted to her that I didn’t really understand therapy. How is a stranger supposed to help me? There is no way she’ll ever truly know me the way I know myself and others know me.

She said that it was because she was a stranger and removed from my life that she’d help me analyze my life better. She also said that it would make it easier because I’d be able to tell her things that I might not want to tell my family or friends. That last bit I was skeptical about since I’m so guarded with my layers. I’m not sure how much I’ll be comfortable revealing. Who knows, I might surprise myself.

The funny part was when I had to mention to her about my online world. I told her it was pretty important for me to have someone who wasn’t going to be quick to judge people who spend a great deal of their socialization on the Internet. I said quickly that I know I’m not addicted to the Internet (count one).

She asked me where I spent most of my time online. I said it used to be gaming but now it’s mostly just in social networks. She definitely raised her eyebrows when I said “gaming”. She asked me if I played “wow”.. she actually said WOW not World of Wacraft (impressive)! I was like, “yeah. but not as much as I used to but I was never addicted” (count two).

Then she mentioned that there is a 12 step support group for WoW players in the Austin area and explained how there were studies that show people who are addicted to WoW experience the same symptoms as those who are addicted to heroine. I nodded but quickly said, “yeah, I read the same thing but I’m not addicted to WoW.” (yup three times I said I wasn’t addicted) I’m not sure she bought it but perhaps later she’ll discover that I am addicted but probably not what to she thinks... I’m addicted to connection. I know this is a problem and I don’t know where it stems from, my compulsive need to be connected or feel connected. I still can’t figure out what I’m hoping to find.

Anyhow, after denying my addiction to video games for a bumbling five minutes, she spoke to me about how she works a lot with dream analysis. She believes a lot in the psychological study of Carl Jung and the theories of individuation. I’m not sure what to think of it to be honest. I think I’m mostly curious about the study of the subconscious mind having obviously failed at comprehending the conscious one.

So now I have to keep a journal of my dreams which luckily for her are crazy and vivid. She was actually surprised to hear that I remember my dreams a lot. I wonder what she does for people who never remember what they dream. SOL?

I’m going to have to keep a journal by my bed though because the dreams fade super fast after the first moments of waking. The last couple of nights have been pretty colorful and having to try to remember them make me wonder a lot what they could mean. I used to think they were just residual images compiled from too much visual stimulus in my life...ie. movies, magazines, the meta. It’ll be interesting to see if they mean more than that. I’m a bit skeptical of course.

She also told me to start taking some Flax Seed Oil or Fish Oil (Omega-3) to see if that helps. Apparently Omega-3 has has some success in treating depression and bipolar disorder. I did some quick research on the subject and found some interesting studies on how the deficiency of Omega-3 results in the body using Omega-6 instead which produces cell membranes that aren’t able to cope with neurotransmitter traffic.

Omega-3 is a fatty acid you need but your body can’t make so you have to consume it. It is a component you naturally get from seafood so they said depression in places like New Zealand where only 40lbs of seafood is consumed per year is like sixty percent higher than Japan where there is over 150lbs of seafood eaten annually. Crazy huh?

So I went and got some Flax Seed Oil that day from the People’s Pharmacy (apparently their drugs contain less mercury). I opted not to get the Fish Oil because people say the after taste can get nasty. She says if it is effective, I should start to feel a little different after just three days or so.

At the end of the initial session, she asked me if I’d like some time to keep fishing (npi) for other therapists. She said it’s all about finding someone you feel comfortable with and believing they can really help you. It’s important to fit. She says for her, she feels like she has the capabilities to help me but it would only work if I felt she was a good fit for me too.

I told her I didn’t really want to fish around. The truth was that at this point I’m willing to try anything so I scheduled our first real session for later this week. I’m going to give it two sessions and see if I think it’s helping any. She’s already told me that I have a long ways to go (she says she senses a lot of complexity) so I think that translates into quite a few sessions. I’m not sure how people afford this stuff but I guess if it works then it’s worth it? Oh well, at least now I can begin all my sentences with “My therapist says..”

Democracy is...

2010-07-23T11:40:00.001-07:00

Democracy Tap Power Magic Card, originally uploaded by alachia.

THE CHALLENGE
Take a photo that completes the phrase Democracy is… and share it with the world.
http://www.democracyphotochallenge.america.gov/about.html

I had a hard time thinking about this challenge which seems like it should be rather easy. For most Americans, it is ingrained that Democracy is Freedom. However that’s just the pre-programmed grade school response. Is it true? Well, unfortunately like most grown up answers, it’s never a simple yes or no.

The cynical side of me would like to say “Democracy is an illusion” or “Democracy is at the expense of lesser nations which we exploit”. Or I’d like to say “Democracy is expensive”.

But then I sit back and think about it and that’s where I realize I have done what a lot of people do and mix up capitalism with democracy which unfortunately in the US are often viewed as the synonymous. There’s a valid but pitiful reason I think it is hard for me and others to visualize democracy. Most of don’t practice it! I’m guilty of it for sure but the structure of our government hasn’t exactly been promoting it either.

Can you name any of your State’s representatives of the House or Senate? What are all their stances on alternative energy? What was the last thing they voted for? How many things did they not bother to vote on? What about your local government?

If democracy is our reality, then why does barely 50% of the population bother to vote in our Presidential election? Or if we say screw national government, what is really important is local government, then why do most of us know nothing about those issues? Can you name any of the members on your city council? What’s the name of your mayor? What’s on the agenda this year for them to vote on?

The truth is that most of us are too indifferent as individual citizens and the government isn’t nearly transparent enough for us to really be practicing a solid Democracy. So maybe I was right. Democracy is more an illusion than anything, offering us the “ability to be run by the people” but also be set on autopilot if we choose not to bother.

But the most important thing Democracy is that makes it stand as an amazing governing concept is that it is an enabler for us to have a voice, to have power, to have an effect on the world we want to live in. That is, if we want it. The problem right now is that “DEMOCRACY IS... Untapped Power” but the good news is that the card is still available for play if we want to use it... for now. :) [Insert some Magic the Gathering analogy of a player card stealing ability here]

I'm still struggling to find a decent photo option though. Obviously, I won't be using the Magic the Gathering Mock up. I just don't really know how you visualize untapped power.

Fingertips

2010-07-21T12:44:00.001-07:00

You have your good days and you have your bad days and then there are days like today. It’s hard to explain when you sink so low that you past the point of feeling. I think it’s a defense mechanism of the mind to turn off your emotions before you self-destruct. At this point, nothing matters anymore except breathing through the pain.

I’ve tried to self-analyse myself over and over again. I’ve tried to dissect my life and so that I can reverse engineer happiness into my program. I’ve had little success but today while reading an article about Internet Addiction and Depression, I think I gained some clarity but not how you might think.

I found the article because I was researching a therapist (good luck finding one that isn’t booked for months in this fucked up world) and Dr. Brooks seems well in tune with the culture of a meta-integrated person (cyberpsychology). The article in a nut shell basically states that despite the promise of technology and our ability to connect online, it lacks the ability to make us happy the way real life social interactions can. He says it goes against our biological evolution of being social animals and conflicts with our natural growth as humans via human interaction.

I agree. I get it. I’m not so buried in the meta that I don’t understand the beauty of flesh. There is nothing online that has ever been able to replace the way it feels when your fingertips come in contact with another person’s skin. And no amount of amazing chat convos will ever be able to come close to what it feels like sitting across from someone and watching them laugh and you laughing back and then the look they get when they acknowledge you’re laughing too and on and on.

And so I’m nodding my head and say yeah, that makes sense. But now I’m conflicted. I understood a few months ago that my immersion into the meta had created an instability and imbalance in my life. I was too invested in connections that are to this day still AMAZING, powerful, and wonderful but in the process abandoned and neglected ALL real life interactions.

So I did step away quite a bit. I did take the time to develop time in re-immersing myself into the real world. I traveled, saw incredible things, and spent a lot of time with humans in the flesh. These were all things that should have given me comfort or made me feel alive again..happy even. But it didn’t. I still remained sad and lost.

This has sunken me into further depression as now I really don’t know where my place is in the conscious world of the living. I can’t find solace and my place in either the digital realm or the world of the flesh. Where the hell do I belong? Where will I find stability?

After crashing down and down and down, crying for a few hours, I came to a realization today that maybe no therapist would ever be able to have seen for me. I’m broken. Period. There is nothing anyone is going to be able to say to me or present to me that’s going to make me want to smile when I don’t want to or dance when I just want to disappear. No amount of love is going to make me feel whole. Even the best human connection in the world won’t forever satiate the internal pain that consistently emerges within me.

I simply don’t see a purpose to life. I get that you can make up distractions, give yourself goals but in totality, life just has no meaning to me. And I get so upset when my head goes into this place of indifference. I’m incredibly healthy. I have heartbreakingly beautiful friends both in the meta and real life.

It’s not like I ever have to be want for love or care. I see that. I have the perspective to see all that I should be seeing but for some reason, I’m still crippled. I don’t feel like I belong to this world or to these wonderful connections. I get angry at myself for not being able to get past the sadness to really embrace it to make me happy.

I’m so fucking rational. I have all the puzzle pieces in front of me and yet I can’t make it fit. It’s infuriating. And all I can do is compartmentalize the pain, pretend I’m okay at times, and go through the motions of being normal. I get scared sometimes at how low I get otherwise. At times, only the thought of my brother’s happiness keeps me here.

And the only thing right now that allows me to be distracted, free from pain, and gives me a temporary form of normalcy is creating. When I’m producing, creating, writing or organizing there is a peace that washes over my mind. Digital or RL format, I love to produce and make things. Maybe that’s why I find photography so therapeutic. I noticed that as soon as I start to write or take pictures or audio blog I feel more in sync with my mind. But this frightens me too. I can’t just keep only living in my head. I’m too much into my head and I know that.

But for now my goal will be to set up a schedule to be active in production and creating on a regular basis. Less searching and soaking and more doing like I’ve always gone on and on about.

But who knows, maybe by tomorrow that theory will have failed and I’ll be struggling to unravel the mystery of human misery again.

Tech Support!

2010-07-20T08:16:00.001-07:00

This is my favorite scene in Vanilla Sky. I remember how it was one of those scenes that jolts you to your core because you realize how awkward and strange it is and at the same time powerfully sad. Not being built with appropriate emotional responses, I remember I laughed while watching him scream “Tech Support!” all over the building.

I wish my life was like this where you get to scream “tech support!” out loud and then you get helped by the corporation taking care of your mind and body. They come to you and tell you that this is just a dream and that one day you’ll wake up when you’re a better person and the world is better for you. But unfortunately, life isn’t a really surreal Tom Cruise movie.

3x5s

2010-07-13T10:34:00.001-07:00

Nikon Girl, originally uploaded by alachia.

Sometimes I wonder if taking photos can turn into something of an unhealthy lifestyle. Photography or amateur picture taking as most would say is something I enjoy very much. I love to capture moments, pieces of things that interest me, and of course memories.

The only problem is wondering whether or not you miss a lot when you aren’t seeing the world through both your eyes. If you’re too busy trying to set up the right composition or always pausing to take in something you find intriguing, it becomes a lot harder to just soak in the moment right?

It’d be much better if we just had memory recorders in our head I guess. There’s something about the need to personalize certain images just as you see them right then. I know for sure there are images of places and buildings that I will never be able to take a better picture of but I want my own personal snapshot of it. Why is that?

Even if I’ve taken a million pictures of the same types of food I eat, I often find myself taking yet another photo of it. And even if I’ve gone on a specific photowalk of a route, I still bring my camera “just in case.” Inevitably this leads to me stopping and trying to take a better picture than I did before or grab a different light on the same damn tree.

And sometimes I wonder when you’re just hanging out with friend or family if it’s not just as rude to spend time taking pictures when you’re spending time with them as it if you were on a cell phone. I often use the camera as an excuse to be anti-social because I don’t know how to will myself to interact. I love being behind the camera but I still worry about why it’s so hard for me to say “no more 3x5s.”

"Didn't have a camera by my side this time
Hoping I would see the world through both my eyes
Maybe I will tell you all about it when I'm
in the mood to lose my way

but let me say
You should have seen that sunrise with your own eyes
it brought me back to life
You'll be with me next time I go outside
NO more 3x5's"- John Mayer, 3x5

Magic Trick

2010-07-12T10:11:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wish I believed in a higher power or maybe even just someone who I trusted to know better than me. When you live so deeply in your head, you assume because you have the power to recognize the problem that you can somehow also fix it.

As you get older, unfortunately, you realize there are less and less people around who would even know how to begin to help you no matter how much they might want to. And it’s kind of frustrating thinking you should be smart enough to figure it out on your own. I mean aren’t we supposed to be intelligent beings?

The problem for me was that I had no clarity standing in the middle of my life in the eye of the storm of my troubled head. And it’s true, nearly destroying my life dragging it through the storm has gained me quite a bit of clarity but now I’m not sure how to fix it or if I’ll ever be able to on my own. Sure it's more quiet I guess in my head but I feel more numb to the world than ever.

I never wanted to disappear so much in my life like a rabbit in a hat.

Potholes

2010-07-04T06:05:00.001-07:00

I think I spent a lot of time when I was younger trying to visualize my future. I always wanted to know the shape, feel, and look of my Tomorrow. And I was rarely satisfied with my Todays.

I’m not sure why I’m so obsessed with trying to control my future so much. It’s not like it’s something you can really ever get a handle on and it’s certainly never quite the product you spend so much time molding it to be. In other words, I set myself up for disappointment all the time.

But often now I wonder if I just don't have some kind of mental incapacity for happiness or sustaining a mentally stable mindset. Most of the time now I find myself searching for an answer I thought I'd find on this side of the mirror. And the thought that terrifies me the most is wondering if I'll ever find it.

It's the never ending mental loops and never finding an answer that troubles me the most these days. Shouldn't you know by now is the question I find myself asking over and over again.

Some days I’m borderline normal and I can sort of pretend like I resemble my former self and other days I’m just about to hit bottom. It’s strange how I used to be able to escape from the RL into the meta but now escaping just seems stupid. And I find that I really miss any sort of grounding.

This will make me sound loopy but I sometimes regret not going to see a professional awhile back when I started to hit bottom more often than normal. If it turns out that I’m simply mental then I’ll be really pissed at myself for wrecking my life for something that could be solved with some pills. You know?

So right now I’m sort of playing this game called spin the bottle on the future because the OCD (obsessive compulsive) method of planning and expectations just doesn’t seem to yield the results I want. I don’t know what I want and worse, I don’t know who I am. This next year I think will be a lot of running into walls, falling into potholes, and wandering around aimlessly.

Processing…Processing…[Life invalid]

2010-06-22T02:00:00.001-07:00

You capture a piece of yourself and you try to hold it in your hand without destroying it but you find that’s just not possible. The second we try to secure ourselves is the moment we begin to crush our own wings. That’s the scary thing about life. We just have to let it flutter around and maybe that means only being able to appreciate the beauty of something for a brief moment but trying to hold onto it makes things worse.

Life is organic and wild. I’m sure there’s some kind of complicated algorithm to it but I just know I’ll never figure it out in my lifetime so I’ll just have to chalk it up to being to unpredictable to my insignificant human logic.

Sometimes when the I’m overloaded with things to process I go into my stages of “loops” in which I continually cycle my thought processes over and over again until I start to filter through some clarity. In these cycles are all ranges of scenarios, emotions, and possibilities. I go through the worst case, the best case, the most unrealistic case, and the emotional impact on all ranges of emotions from elated to suicidal. This is how I composite life and I’m not so sure it’s that healthy.

Like I said, it’s like I’m trying to take too much control of my own life. It was how I was raised. You plan for the worse, expect the best, and somehow your plans for life just roll out accordingly but as I’ve learned, this is not reality. It may have worked for the previous generation but it doesn’t seem to work for this one... Things move too fast, information inflation changes our perspective not on a yearly or monthly basis but I’d say hourly.

Because so many things have changed so quickly in my life in the past two months, I’ve found that I’ve been every which way lost. I can’t simply return to how things were and yet I’m not prone to cower in my own sense of self destruction either. I have to figure out who I am sans the dream of the girl I used to be or tried to be.

I need a sabbatical, a way to change my perspective and look at everything differently. Nothing fits here anymore and continuing to go through the motions just make me drift further into the darkness of my mind. I’m a little mad that I can’t return to my place, especially here in the meta but my RL requires a lot of reworking first.

All my loops have returned a [Life Invalid] response and I need a serious reboot before I crash into a permanent blue screen.

Winnie vs. Taint

2010-06-16T16:48:00.001-07:00

I'm an Aunt, originally uploaded by alachia.

Earlier this month, my brother, Taint, and Tivi got a Morkie puppy. Her name is Winnie as in the Pooh. What I love the most about her isn't the fact that she's adorable as hell or that she's super smart or that she has a ton of character for such a small puppy. I think she's awesomesauce because she's accomplished something very few living creatures can do, wear my brother down. lol.

All while growing up (my brother and I are 5 1/2 yrs apart), I had to take care of my brother a lot and entertain him. He'd never run out of energy just like the damn Energizer bunny. Going, going, going, going. I suppose if it was present time, they'd have drowned him in Ritalin but nah, he was just one of those kids who could never sit still and never tired out.

And now Winnie is his payback. mwahahaha. I love it. Right now she's sleeping in small spurts which is the cutest thing ever. But when she wakes up, it's like a nuclear explosion. She hops, darts, and runs around like crazy like in those puppy commercials. Add in the fact that she's fearless (even my Qtpi didn't phase her) and my brother has his hands full.

He's bitching a lot now though because all these strangers try to pet her and touch her while they are outside. I'm like "dude, have you seen your puppy? What person is going to resist petting her? That's why they call these types of dogs chic magnets."
He was like, "man, if I had known this, I'd have picked up a puppy a long time ago." [Insert Tivi /slap here]

The Perfect Facebook Life

2010-06-15T15:56:00.001-07:00

Maybe my mother was right, I just drown myself in negativity too much. Just decide to be happy and you will be? Can it really be that simple? Am I really skilled enough to delude my own mind? Do I want to be deluded?

I don’t know. The way I see it, my mom and dad simply can’t handle a grey world. Like most of the people in my RL, they appreciate the ideology of black and white. It is so ingrained in them that they stake a lot of claim on happiness based off of the integrity of those belief systems. And they are so faithful to it, that for people like my parents, it’s hard for them to see you as being able to be happy or have a good full-filling life any other way.

For them, I gave up the perfect Facebook life right? All those things other people look to see in your profile to gauge whether or not you’re okay, successful, and happy... I had those checked. It’s surprising though, how little those profiles really tell you. I found out yesterday that someone else in my meta world is going through something similar. I was like, seriously? I never would have guessed. His life seemed so together, his relationship appeared so solid from the outside. It’s an incredibly fragile thread we weave through the ideology of happiness it seems. One slight tug and we find out how insecure it all really is.

Human connections are all held together like this though which is why it’s hard to find truly strong ones. Most people don’t realize it’s all faking. We do it so that we can be perceived as normal so we can keep functioning as a society. I mean, if I did what I wanted and didn’t put up the pretenses, I’d end up alienating myself into pure seclusion. And that’s the biggest difference between RL and the Meta for me at the moment.

It’s funny, they all made fun of my meta family and friends. Even this weekend, I was on my laptop quite a bit and my mother was like “so... you’re on your computer all the time then? That’s not good for you.” (funny thing I wasn’t even socializing online, I was trying to format and install Win 7) But she thinks Internet friends are bad because they aren’t real and my brother thinks they are imaginary. They belittle the meta existence because they don’t see the tangible value in it. “What good are people you can’t have in your real life” they ask.

What I find absolutely ironic is that it was my RL connections that faltered to reach me during all this. It is by no means their fault because I tend to be self-isolating and I tend to push people away. I don’t blame them for my solitary state. I know half of them really do care about me in their own way but none of my RL connections could figure out how to interface with me. And of course the other half are just gawking at me from a distance like a bad traffic accident.

Surprisingly, it was actually the meta family I built, people I have never met in real life, who figured out how to break through my isolating barriers. They know my medium of thought and what tethers to follow me back through. And even though I can’t yet figure out how to respond appropriately yet, they did reach me and I was profoundly effected. They were the ones who didn’t try to fix me or judge me but kept sharing, kept letting me know they were still there waiting with open jacks for whenever I’m ready to reconnect.

And here’s the thing that someone dear to me always says, “The world if flat.” We don’t live in a world anymore where virtual can’t be reality anyhow. If we just look at the twittersphere of our gaming network, it’s staggering to see how many people now maintain RL connections with each other. Just three years ago, most of them were complete strangers, then they became meta friends through the podcasting community or WoW, and now they can meet up and go out to lunch like it was nothing. It’s incredible how fluid ties formulated online can translate into the RL because of how pure they start.

I’m sure some people would scoff but it is the seemingly insignificant and small points of connections sometimes that return us to feeling human and to help us figure out better how to rejoin the flow of living. Maybe not everyone can get how sharing a song, poem or posting a picture online is really connecting but I find it much more powerful and intimate than a hug. I know I can’t stay virtual forever, I’ll have to resolve the RL soon and stop hiding. But no one will ever be able to convince me of the lack of value in the meta now.

Unbranding my iTunes

2010-06-11T08:44:00.001-07:00

Itunes "Create mp3 version", originally uploaded by alachia.

So iTunes feels it needs to brand the owners of music. It irks me to no end like the annoying mom who sends her kids to camp with every sleeping bag and piece of underwear labeled with their last name in black sharpie. As if music should ever really be owned but that’s a whole other fundamental issue I’m sure I’ll rant about later.

I think there’s a way to compensate artists and still share music through micro-transactions as I’ve said before. Metadata about the creator of all appreciated art will become increasingly valid and valuable in the future as we evolve more digitally.

I recently discovered via @strumpet101 that some music I shared with her had my RL identity tagged to it. This isn’t a huge problem to the few people I share music with because I really do trust a lot of my close bindpoint family. However, this becomes a huge problem for me when that music gets shared via them to other people.

My RL identity and privacy are major concerns for me not just on a personal level but on the future integrity of the world I’ve come to love (oh sweet metaverse). I’ve been following a lot on the progress of identity in the meta and am closely observing the culture of change towards transparency. I see this is a big problem for the our online culture if we aren’t allowed to keep a lot of this in big wide grey areas. I think for it to fundamentally flip one way or another would be a bad thing.

Anyhow, I looked at a few articles regarding stripping away the “purchased by” and “account info” meta data branded by iTunes on all my paid songs (http://www.wmatomp3-converter.com/guide/Remove-personal-info-from-itunes-plus-downloads.html). They are all annoying ways to strip the data off, who want to have to re-import using AAC??

So the other day, I was tethering through iTunes functionalities and found this “Create mp3 version” option. You just select the song or songs in your library and hit “create mp3 version” and wallaaah!!!!! Then you just grab the mp3 version from the folder and share that instead of the invasive m4a file.

A Long Time Ago, Today

2010-06-10T21:17:00.001-07:00

A Long Time Ago, Today, originally uploaded by alachia.

I found a box labeled "memories".. so you can imagine my organizing efforts came screeching to a halt. It's interesting reading shit you wrote over a decade ago.

I notice some fundamental shifts in my thought pattern when I entered grad school compared to early college. I think it showed that I was coming into serious conflict at the time with my life choices.

I found it actually comforting to read my thoughts and realize I had always been at conflict with myself for a long time. It helps me in my resolve that something was never in sync with my life no matter how much I tried.

I'll share some of the journal pages later.

Sunrise Again

2010-06-03T01:53:00.001-07:00

Today was one of those annoyingly hard days. So I’m externalizing, compartmentalizing. I spent a lot of time peering into windows and glimpses of other people’s lives and guessing what their evening was like.

It’s fun to wave and smile at people sitting and talking to each other on their balconies. It’s wonderful, you know. I realized how simple little things like smiling and waving really do make you feel more human. And although I know it’s superficial and maybe even synthetic, it’s just cool that total strangers can /wave in RL too!

I had to go to the permit office again and waited two hours to see someone only to find out that I needed to go to another building entirely. Oddly enough, I wouldn’t say that two hours was a complete waste. There were these two men sitting next to me and they had this enormous chat the entire time and of course, with my stalker genes, I was intrigued. (Mark was sitting on the other side of the two so I didn’t get to ask him for a picture of his sneakers)

One of the men was the client and the other was probably the contractor he hired. From the looks of the plans and paper work he had, he’s planning on building a Filipino Asian Mart in South Austin. He started out by explaining why he wanted to name it Filipino and Asian because of the diversity of the market food that would be available beyond the specific country specifics.

Apparently, his wife is Filipino because I heard him say, “You think that marrying an Asian woman is nice because they’re supposed to be so gentle and nice but she’s Filipino and has that Spanish blood in her.” The other guy then made a joke about the guy being funny and how it shouldn’t be allowed to drink this early in the morning.

This lead into a conversation about how the contractor guy was sober for two years now and that he was actually in the middle of a divorce. He said that him finally getting sober made him realize that his relationship was too silent. He said they were still good friend though and that he sees his son every day and is thankful for the clean separation. I remember he turned to the guy and said, “yeah, I waited to years after I got sober to make sure I was thinking level headed. But life’s too short and we weren’t happy.”

I thought the whole conversation was surreal. The client went on to talk about what he’d do if this venture is successful. He said he’s actually a song writer and performer and has some hits in Europe apparently. I could tell that this was his real passion in life but obviously he realistically couldn’t pursue with the family to think about etc. He talked about how expensive it was to produce a CD etc and promote it.

Apparently he knew a lot of famous people like Michael Stipe from REM who he asked to join his band a long time ago. Stipe declined at the time because he was too shy, go figure. They remained acquaintances though and that’s how this guy got some songs in Europe and hung out with REM when they headlined Austin City Music Festival. He mentioned that he had a studio at his house where he can jam out from time to time with local musicians.

I actually think I found the guy on youtube because he mentioned he had jammed out with this famous guitarist named Tolo. He said that you could see all these youtube videos of Tolo jamming with all these famous people and then in with the mix is a video of the guy playing in this man’s living room. So I used my google skills and found a guitarist named Tolo Martin and sure enough, I found a video of him playing guitars with this guy on his living room couch.

So to Mr. Craig Franklin, here’s to your Asian Mart and musical career... it was nice stalking you.

I Bleed Music

2010-05-21T01:55:00.001-07:00

Music Lovers. This might be promising for us. Google buys Simplify Media- http://techcrunch.com/2010/05/20/google-buys-simplify-media-to-power-music-syncing-for-new-itunes-competitor/ At least the product is in good hands but I agree with one of the comments "shouldn't Google of all companies be able to develop cloud sync without BUYing it?"

And the only reason I have an issue with the Google buying power is it scares the shit out of most users. Big companies generally tend to stifle competition and creativity. Luckily with Google's business philosophies, this is the exception....for now. I haven’t been a fan of Google multimedia apps or the directions in which they take them…Picasa was one of the biggest disappointments for me. However, after seeing the direction in which they’ve taken products like Google Docs and Calendar, I think they get how we like to interact with each other, collab, and share.

http://www.zazzle.com/bleeding_heart_i_bleed_music_tshirt-235840220443522738 (I Bleed Music) I bought this t-shirt after talking to @Azyxa about what's in our blood. :) I'm pretty sure a lot of us who love music and the ability to share music on a personal level are going to be watching the direction Google takes this technology.

Music appreciating and distribution has come a long way in the last decade but not enough. I’m hoping it continues to shift back more in our direction. I wrote this silly “call to arms piece” ten years ago after the collapse of napster, Lars the Douchehead, and the whole RIAA (Recording Industry Association of America) suing 35k individual music listeners. I remember being so livid at how backwards it seemed that an industry was going after its own customers in fight that wasn’t really about piracy but about adapting to new technology.

It’s embarrassing but remember I wrote it ten years ago during the time when MTV had the largest grasp over popular music and Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera vs Hanson was as diverse as it got. And while we have come a long ways, I still feel like it applies because we haven’t utilized technology enough to exercise our consumer power (just read how much artists have to pay itunes to put songs up on their site…gag me):

Call to arms. The music revolution is here. We can no longer sit back and let the corporation dictate what we desire. How long will we be the dress-up dolls of "American Pop Culture"?? How long will you be a mindless child? You let them tell you what you want to hear, you let them tell you what you should look like. How long will you let them tell you how much you should have to pay for music you've never heard of?

Why hasn't the music industry caught on to technology? Why? Because they are still the greedy, money basking corporate hogs they've always been. We all know that cds don't cost a lot to make and that the technology exists today to combine many types of artists. In fact, we can make our own compilations.

How much longer will it be until they realize that we don't want to pay sixteen dollars for twelve songs of the same artist? Very few cds have come along where the entire compilation is worth every cent. Far too often, we've been forced to buy eleven so-so-maybe-listen-to-once songs for that one hit song we bought the damned thing for in the first place. I would have to agree that five dollars would be worth buying a cd full of artists I want to hear. NOW, here they are taking away my free forum of music.

Am I supposed to weep for the all mighty corporation who refuses to mold to the changing technology? Am I supposed to weep for the artists who makes more money than god for just dressing up like a barbie doll? We are the masses. We are the collective society who you feed off of.. I do not weep for you.

I feel we should protest the music industry. Do you they think that we actually believe that the only good music produced today is by broadcasted on MTV? How many countless number of artists are there out there that haven't been given a chance. What of those who don't believe in compromising their music? What of those who will perform simply because they love music? Don't fall for it at all. Don't give in thinking that the only music in the world comes in the form of a plastic wrapped cd case! BRING THE MUSIC BACK to the PEOPLE.

We have just advanced too much in my opinion to not be able to distribute and share music more easily between artists and music lovers. As I said in the Flattr post, micro transactions and flexibility with how we distribute appreciation is becoming more and more available. It is well within our hands to begin to shape the arts and distribution of the arts.

The top-down approach to distribution offers little sympathy to most artists these days because of the mistrust we have of the music industry. After the iTunes revolution and single song service, we have seen a bit more diversity but little improvements in how we share music (simplify media being a huge exception). Dropbox is a giant step towards music appreciation but then ignores the rights of the artists to be paid for their work. Currently, there is no balance because neither side has really devised a mainstream technology to address our desire to share the fuck out of the music we love.

I see a future where all music is tagged with a shit ton of meta data that links back directly to the artist, creator or its distributor. So say if you found this awesome remix of a song, there would be software integration with your player to send them a piece of cake :)

We’re all going to have to shift how we think of pay/per as I’ve said before. The old model of the shopping cart/checkout isn’t going to hold. Just look at the post @Jemimus made about NOT being able to pay for something he appreciated due to outdated international copyright laws. Seriously, we’re too wired to be this globally stunted.

Maybe we can be a generation of digital tips instead. Can the world turn on tips? Would you play for tips? I think a lot of people would and it’s why I’m closely watching the micro transaction market and will do whatever I can to promote a fundamental shift in our online economy. I truly believe it’s the key to promoting more growth of doing in the meta…well hell, in the world.

Signage, Sneakers, BJs and Loving Yourself

2010-05-19T19:13:00.001-07:00

I went out to the permit office again today to drop off some drawings. As usual, it took forever only to end up me handing my drawings to some lady who said “thanks and you’re done.” However, while waiting I discovered two things. The first was that one of the three signs hanging on the door had been modified by hand.

The “how to prevent flu” sign had a few cute modifications which I took a snapshot of and wondered how bored someone must have been to get up and do that. I was tempted to keep modifying it myself if there weren’t so many other people waiting around.

The second involves this guy I always see every time I go to the permit office. I noticed him immediately because he has these awesome grey sneakers I really want. Today I noticed he was reading a book so I peered over to spy on what he was reading..a William Gibson novel! I almost LOL’d outloud. At this point, I was tempted to ask him to let me take a picture of his book. I could say I knew a bunch of people would would really appreciate the humor in the fact that I was sitting next to a book written by an author that cost me -300 geek points. I think the particular book he was reading was called Idoru. I was just about to gain enough courage to ask but then he put the book away and started to make calls to his office. Through my stalker skills I obtained that his name is Mark. If I see him there again next time, I’m fucking going to get a picture of those sneakers if it kills me!

Afterwards, I met Flipmax for lunch at BJs. While I was in the bathroom there I took a few pics of the pictures in the women’s restroom. They have these pictures of large floral prints and then men with totally ripped abs in between them. I always laugh when I see them because I try to imagine what the pictures in the men’s restroom looks like. I’m going to send Flipmax in next time to take pics.

Because it turned out they didn’t have spaghetti with meat sauce available and I had to order the Toscana instead, the manager said my meal was free! And because I have such a weak will, I let Flipmax convince me to order a pizookie even though I did my best to resist.

I then stopped by the post office to mail off some wowcast pens that I had promised to send like two months ago! Finally can check that one off my list! When I got home, I noticed my mom had sent me a package from Amazon. It’s a book called Love Yourself and Let the Other Person Have it Your Way. /facepalm. It’s a book she says she recently read and changed her life drastically. From what she explains, it sounds like one of those pay it forward type philosophies.

I’m a bit skeptical of course. I read the segment on Sadness as it definitely applies right now and there’s this stupid line that reads “Could you say “Yes” to the remaining sadness and just let it come up and out? Continue repeating this exercise on the sadness until you are at zero on the scale with regard to sadness.” What..the..fuck. What does that even mean? At least give me a hammer or something and tell me to bash my head in, something constructive. I mean, I get the philosophy but seriously? seriously? I need like you know...something concrete to work with here. I’m a robot for god sake, need processes to run or something.

Anyhow I’ll try to get through more of it just so I can tell her I tried. ....omg. just read this part: “The only one that can make you happy is you and the only one that can make you unhappy is you. Once you know that, the problem of relationships is all over.” This is seriously dellusional shit man. Come on. If this was really true, we wouldn’t need a fucking other person in this world. Why do we even need to make friends then? What’s the point of any relationship then? If we’re good enough on our own, we don’t need anyone else. I can tell getting through this book is going to probably stress me out. lol.

$ocial Appreciation, Inspiring the DO!

2010-05-12T08:47:00.001-07:00

I’ve been delving into the ideas of creating a forum for DOING. There is so much online that is all about inspiring thought and ideas but for me, the next step is in the doing. And it’s so easy in the culture of the meta to just sit back and absorb. I’ve been doing it for years and years.

As a meta society, in order to stay user driven and be able to continually form and shape our own world as we like it, we’re going to have to really start the DOING now.

One of the things I always say to people is JUST DO IT! I know it’s Nike’s logo but you don’t need fancy footwear to create anything. All of us are self conscious and unsure of the format for which we should produce anything. I see us all looking at each other for inspiration or guidance. That’s a totally valid way of kicking down the door to creating.

CREATE content, CREATE events, CREATE flow. Flow is huge for me as a concept in the meta culture. The problem with the RL is that there is little organic flow of how we communicate, exchange, or distribute. Everything has been so top down and motivated and manipulated by power. Most of the transactions of production and economy are all designed by the power of marketing and NOT inspiration and true value.

For example, I have this Rem Koolhaus book on my shelf that I bought in college called Mutations. At the time I bought it, it was hella expensive.. like close to eighty dollars. It was a trend going around in the studios so I felt like I needed to pick it up too. All the cool kids were reading it etc. It turns out the book, while has some interesting points about architecture in developing cities, was totally over-rated.

A few years later, I came across a web article that pretty much summarized the book but with more valid inspirations as to how to think about the future of how we build cities. I would rather have contributed to that online article than the over-hyped/well packaged Koolhaas book.

And that’s how I feel about a lot of the individual user-generated content online. That Flattr concept is really about distributing the flow of economy in truly organic way based on interest and use and not on brilliant marketing ploys. What I like about it is that you can see it as a true system of free flow meta economy.

For example, I can see myself giving a cake slice to someone who wrote a blog post on geocaching and sparked my interest in creating my own geocache user account to start my own adventures in the RL sharing/exploring game. I see myself wanting to give a bunch of cake slices to davek4981 on youtube because his cover of Iambic 9 Poetry on the Eigenharp brought me immense pleasure in my life.

I’m not a fan of monetization for profit sake for online content. I think there is a huge danger in doing something for only money. It ruins, in my opinion, the authenticity of love for creating. But that has always been the limitation of meta distribution right? I’m intrigued by this idea of a continual and renewing flow of creating value to intellectual, artistic, and plain life sharing data.

It’s a way of showing value to something which has been hard to quantify until now. I know it’s a small start to the DOING movement but for me, it’s a good start. I hope it doesn’t get abused or manipulated by marketing or meme trends. I just think it’s an amazing way for us to start generating a culture of user-rich content.

I can even see it as being something small like wanting to give a cake slice to someone for showing me their grocery haul or sharing their newest haircut from the salon or teaching me about HDR photography :D With a flow of giving/sharing, learning/inspiring, doing/thinking we continue to grow on each other. I don’t see the monetary trend of a true system like this being mono-directional but flowing crazy like a the veins in our body…constantly renewing and refreshing.

I’m immensely thankful people are starting to evolve towards the meta. These are exciting times.

Time to start doing. GO!

Extensions

2010-05-05T09:22:00.001-07:00

It is a little strange to realize how accessible the meta seems and yet we need some basic devices in which to extend our reach. For me, the keyboard, the mouse, and my headset are all critical tethers that have actually become an extension of myself.

I don’t exist very well without these pieces of technology that help me jack in. Just recently, when my favorite Plantronic headsets finally broke (Plantronics .Audio 450 - Headset ( ear-bud ) I had to switch to my Gamecon headset and I just hate them. I loved the flexibility of my ear-bud set…being able to take one ear out and listen to my speakers and to not have something so bulky over my head.

Turns out Plantronics .Audio 450 has been discontinued and replaced with the .Audio 480 which I tried recently and hated. I don’t like noise canceling gear when I’m at my computer. It really sucks because the .450 were such an awesome fit without being jammed into your eardrums. I think the problem is you have to have the right kind of ear though and they do have the flaw of breaking every year or two but still…they’re so worth buying every other year.

I tried to buy some from Amazon but I think the stock list was wrong and I got sent some other headsets. I just tried ordering another one from Amazon from another seller as linked above and am hoping desperately that they’re the right ones. I don’t feel myself without the correct extensions.

I’m sure that sounds weird to most people but I kind of equate it to the one-button apple mouse or a non-ergonomic keyboard for some. Either it offers fluid movement to and from the Meta or it doesn’t for each individual. I think I’m ready for the day where they insert the chip in my brain.

My Window

2010-04-30T02:34:00.001-07:00

My Favorite Windows, originally uploaded by alachia.

it's lonely looking out of a window
made of flickering lights
a screen of twenty four wide
and infite deep

a world in here and a world out there
this divide
a wall of zeros and ones
how to collide?

you're here and I'm there
and we pass each other everyday
look at all the waves we make

hello to infinite space
goodbye to possibilities
you share you and I'll share me and
only in words do we ever touch

beautiful
this illusion of connection
as we pretend we're people

The Fantasy of Friendship

2010-04-28T20:08:00.001-07:00

All the time people say, you know I'm here for you or I got your back. The truth is that unless you're sitting across the room from me and I can see you laughing or you'll buy me ice cream when I'm feeling like the world is ending, it's all just words.

It's always just words. For years, I've been telling myself that words are enough but honestly, they aren't. After awhile, you want the real thing. You want to feel human..even for just an hour.

And in the end, it all comes down to that bottomless empty feeling which I think most people refer to as loneliness only I try not to use that word because it sounds so pathetic. Lol. How fucked up is that line of thought right? It's like you can kind of buy "feeling empty" as this great intellectual introspective state which might be considered tres chic but lonely is preventable, simple, and petty. In reality, they're both pretty much the same.

I've got an RL friend but I can't monopolize all of his time and I'm grateful for the times we do get to hang out. We have fun and I get to be my 100% physical self around him.

It was kind of funny, on the way to the airport to pick up a friend, we
were both listening to our favorite album at the time Owl City. It's this cute synthetic poppy type music and we have this thing where we both pretend we're flash animation and dance around to it. I had his iphone in my hands and put on the glow stick app and we were having a techno party in the car but the real fun we usually have is laughing at ourselves.

I love being a goofball and hate getting that stupid look from people when they don't get it and just think you're weird. Anyhow, on the way back after we picked up the friend, it was a different ride back. The goof-mobile turned into polite chatter which was actually pleasant because I got to catch up with an old friend but the difference is definitely there.

The only problem with my BFF is that while I feel like I can talk to him about just about anything, I don't think he's interested in a lot of the things I am. He'll listen but when someone doesn't share the same passion as you, it's just not the same.

And this is where I loop back around again on myself and back into the meta right? It’s where I say fuck what I just said. This is why connections are actually valuable to me even though they are JUST words… Because much like Hollywood love, I think glorified all encompassing friendships are also just a nice fantasy. There is no soulmate who you’re gonna meet and they’re going to be everything to you. You have to appreciate the connections as they are…whether it be in the flesh or words and in all the various pieces you can get your hands on.

Through the Looking Glass

2010-04-21T09:57:00.001-07:00

One day I sat down and realized I wasn’t the me I was supposed to be. This girl is the girl who is on the other side of the parallel universe where everything is upside down and backwards.

Somehow, we switched places and I can look back through the mirror and see a glimpse of the girl I was supposed to be but only for a moment.

Friends are always saying that we are the happiest when we are the most centered with our true selves. I’m not entirely sure who my real self is but I know that this isn’t it. I think a lot of my angst, anxiety, and sadness comes from knowing deep down I’m on the wrong side of the mirror.

I almost took off today to drive downtown to the University of Texas campus to take random photos of people hanging out since school is still in session. It’s something that’s been on my list for quite a while now. I wish I had been into photography more when I was at grad school there.

I still have a lot of vivid mental photos I took while I was hanging around campus of the people and things I saw. I used to pass by this woman doing tai chi on the way to class all the time. That would have made a great 1 Minute Video capture.

Then there is this nice lawn on the south side of campus where tons of students would just lay around. I never understood the whole sprawl on the lawn thing but I definitely took many mental photos of it. The sun is my enemy so places where there is long exposure of sunlight I tend to avoid. I just think it’s funny because those are usually the places most people flock to.

I’ve also been craving this strawberry banana smoothie I’d always get at The Chippery on campus at Dobie Mall. That thing was awesomeness multiplied by 1000. Great, now I’m really craving it. Even after I left grad school, I went back there often to get a smoothie for lunch since it was only 5 minutes away from where I was working. I spilt so many of those cups of smoothies in my car. Whoever owns that car now probably can still smell strawberries.

I think I need to start experimenting with my life to test some theories out on who I am. I think I’ll start with what flavor am I really and go to the ice cream store and sample every single flavor they have. lol. Okay maybe that’s not an experiment so much as a great excuse to eat lots of ice cream. hehe.

Going Nowhere on Purpose

2010-04-20T15:36:00.001-07:00

Today has been one of the quiet days and yet my head still has managed to bounce around quite a bit. At least I’m not that emotional today which is quite nice for a change.

I prefer days when I don’t experience extreme highs or lows. I started to wonder something about myself today while catching up on all the flickr pictures I missed last week.

Everyone is always out and about and doing stuff and I’m always so envious of these pics. Yet, when I think about it really hard, I realize there’s a reason I’m always viewing the world from my monitor and not actually experiencing it.

I might just be one of those people who just doesn’t like doing much. You know, those types who always stay home and just bum around all day and never go out. I might actually like this, to be honest.

As much as I love seeing things, perhaps being a homebody is in my blood. I take the best of both worlds I guess, the convenience of a place I feel safe and comfortable and the sites of things that thrill me to no end.

Well, it was just a thought that passed through my head.. a theory as to why I’m bound to these four walls + two monitors. :)

Vacation + Week of Disconnect= Head Full

2010-04-19T12:44:00.001-07:00

--an excerpt from the 14 page log of my vacation (Friday April 16, 2010)--

This vacation has been quite surreal for me because nothing about this vacation has really been about me. It’s like living in someone else’s shell. The worst part about it is being isolated and alone with my thoughts. I’ve been trying to rationalize everything and wanting to find solutions in my life. I want so desperately to be like them, to find happiness in the most simple of things.

Just as I watched my parents dance last night, I thought to myself how easy things would be if I could take pleasure in the everyday moments. I could shut my eyes and pretend I’m smiling.

----shit missing here (taken out to not piss family off)----

I was sitting outside of the Windjammer Café waiting for the rest of my family to show up for lunch. I was next to these old ladies. They were commenting on these young girls trying to enter the cafeteria with their bathing suits on and no shoes. I was amused at their commentary about how “they should know better than to try and go inside to eat without proper attire.” They were glad when the attendants turned them away because they weren’t properly dressed for the eating area. One lady made a comment about how she didn’t want nasty sun tan lotion on her seats.

I love people watching and eaves dropping on people. I kind of do the same with my camera. I try to capture moments of strangers just being themselves. It’s lovely to watch people when they don’t think they’re being watched. I noticed throughout the ship those who I believed were truly happy, truly bored, and some that looked downright miserable. None of them saw me though.

I often want to go up to people and explore their minds. That’s what I love about the meta so much. It’s much easier to pick at people’s emotions and thoughts than it is in the RL. At one point, I almost sat down next to these two men who had lunch with each other and said nothing to the other the whole time. I wanted so much to ask them what their story was. Who were they with? Where were they from? What do they do? What were they thinking?

I write too much I think. I can’t help it thought. My head is full. I’ve had no one to share any thoughts with for the past week. Even the little details I keep in my head. For example, I love the facial expressions on Trax’s sister’s face. She has such vivid and beautiful expressions. I took lots of pictures of her. I wanted a chance to talk to her privately but we’re just not that familiar. She’s gay but I often wonder if she’s borderline transgender like my friend Ren. I’ve seen her physically make the same changes he did when he finally knew he wanted to make the full transition. Who knows though, she might just be butch and that’s all there is to that.

---more shit missing----

I’m looking at the plastic sack on the bed at the moment. Sahd’s mom bought me a journal and a purse hook. It’s one of those cute little hooks you put at a restaurant table to hang your purse from when there is no place to put your bag so you don’t have to set it on the floor. The journal is cute too. It’s blue with colorful circular shapes on it. I’m not sure what to write in it since I never put pen to paper anymore. I thought about maybe using it to journal what makes me happy or sad on a daily basis? I thought about sketching in it.

A part of me thinks I should go outside and stop staring at the waves. Another part of me wants to save this bit of writing and then open up a fresh document and begin writing again with diverged thoughts. I live in my head too much. All I can think of now is how much I want to go home and hold my cat and drink my Diet Sunkist. Oh crap. I have no more at home. I’ll have to run out and by some as soon as I return.

3x5 is one of my favorite John Mayer songs because it’s about how we experience life. It’s how I think life should be spent, with both eyes open and truly enjoying every moment. I hide behind my camera a lot because usually I’m not wanting to be noticed or I’m trying to find something to appreciate. I have to create games with my camera to find the beauty in something but I’m never really enjoying the moment if I have my camera with me. It’s those times in life where you would never think to take pictures that are actually worth capturing.

I once watched a special on tv about this street peddler, Joe Ades, who sold random shit to people on the streets of New York for decades and decades. He made a lot of money doing it and could have gone on to do something else if it weren’t for the fact that he loved his job so much. He loved meeting people every day, seeing the street life, and just was able to enjoy the simplicity of the small connections he made. He was in his seventies and he had never taken a vacation nor was looking to retire. I remember the journalist asked him, “Do you ever take a vacation?”

I still remember the look on his face, the smile he had as he said to the journalist, “Life IS a vacation! Every day is a vacation.”

I reeled I think when I heard him say that. I thought to myself what an amazing fucking way to view life. How lucky was this man? Was he delusional or had he really found a happiness in his life that made life that wonderful?

---Dinner tonight was the second formal night. I hate wearing a dress. I like my new high socks a lot though. They’re a lot easier to wear than stockings though. I think I’m going to buy more when I get home.

I figured out my binaural recording from the other night didn’t work because I forgot to set the recorder to use plug-in power for the mic. I decided to try again tonight. I think the recording turned out quite well. You can hear all my annoying clicking of the camera. I have no idea what everyone thinks of all the picture taking my brother and I have been doing during dinner.

I think once they see the pictures they’ll appreciate it…I hope.

Tonight for dinner was lobster which a lot of people had tons of. I opted for the prime rib instead and the mushroom pastry something or other for the appetizer. My dessert was the cake sampler plate.

After dinner, Taint, Tivi and I played around with their flash and I took a crap ton of pictures of them. It was a lot of fun experimenting with flash and lighting. The rest of the family wanted me to go see the show tonight, an old doo-op band, The Drifters, but I stayed to take pictures instead. I would have gone to the show with them had we not been taking pictures. I think Taint and Tivi really wanted me to take pictures of them. They turned out quite well I think. One of my favorite pictures taken from the cruise I got that night.

Tomorrow is the last day on the ship. We’re all supposed to meet up for lunch. I’m really looking forward to going back home…

TBF

2010-04-10T08:33:00.001-07:00

by Kevin Mitchell

"Look at the bridge. You see the two towers?"- Jeppy
"yeah"- me
"You see how each of the tower carries the load of the structure equally?"-Jeppy
"yeah"- me
"That's what a real relationship should look like."- Jeppy
"that's awesome"- me

This Tower Bridge is now on the top of my list of places I want to go see. I hope to one day take my own photograph of this bridge and frame it to hang on my wall.

It's such beautiful, symbolic icon of what I've realized has made me fail so badly at relationships all my life and what I should always be striving for instead. You have to seek true balance and structure between both parties. Sure, there will always been imbalanced relationships and partial/quasi casual friendships.

Tower Bridge however is the epitome of an amazing friendship. It requires both parties to grow strong together and want to hold equal part in the relationship. You can't fake connections. You can't bypass the construction of the structure as much as you'd like to because then you just create something weak and temporary.

It's such a simple but beautiful concept of a partnership in any connection you have in life. Forget BFF! It's TBF! Tower Bridge Friends :)

I'm not exactly sure what it means to try to repair bridges that have long swept away though. Do we reconstruct from scratch or take a lesson in the fact that the relationship didn't have the structure it needed to begin with? I have an enormous amount of flaws. My emotional shortcomings prevent me from my own self-repair at times...... other than that, I'm not all together sure about much. I just know that relationships require a good sense of continual assurance which require a degree of emotional presence....get what you give...lalalalala. I'm working on it.

Ice Queen

2010-04-08T06:40:00.001-07:00

“Sometimes I wish I could allow myself to be more human.” Yeah, so I tweeted that and meant to expand on it but exceeded my 140 character limit too swiftly.

I’m an incredibly analytical person. For years and years I’ve fine-tuned the art of intellectual back loops and theory crafting life in my head. It’s rare that I do anything that I haven’t already run through six test loops beforehand. Even when I do express slight emotions of joy or excitement, you can believe those are programmed to some degree.

I hate it. I once had a friend who would refer to me as the Ice Queen. As much as it stung to hear that, I wonder if there isn’t quite a bit of truth to it. I’ve spent so long fine tuning the art of suppressing my emotions. It frustrates people around me to no end.

“I can’t tell what you’re thinking.” “Are you mad?” “Do you care?”

@Jeppy told me awhile ago that people get scared of me easy. I kind of thought he was talking out of his ass and didn’t believe him at all. Then three other people admitted they were afraid of me and then I was like “fuck, Jeppy was right?”

It’s true, I’m not fluent in emotions. I’m good at expressing excitement or amusement. I am not good at expressing that I care about people though. I’ve gotten so that I don’t even have the ability to show own my family I love them so you can imagine how handicap I am with friends.

People close to me say I am cold and indifferent to the large part of the world around me. The reality is that I feel a lot, it’s just that by the time they bypass all my logic filters, the only thing left of an emotion is a mild smile.

If this is a defense mechanism, I want to disable it and try being more human for awhile. I just don’t know where the damn off switch is.

No wait, I take that back. That is illogical! I must have some bugs.

"One day I'm going to meet you again on the street and look into your eyes and see you are just a shell of what you once were."

Sandwich Rounds

2010-04-04T18:03:00.001-07:00

Sandwich Rounds, originally uploaded by alachia.

So this morning I was going through photos I wanted to upload and really hated them all. That might be a bit harsh. I didn't hate them but none of them really felt all that great. I even tried my hand to do some post production to make them to my liking and wasted another two hours.

Sometimes I get in this mode where I feel like pictures have to be perfect. Those are the times I have to remind myself that ultimately this is really just about the art of sharing... we're either sharing a moment, a thought, a picture, or random part of life. In fact, I look forward most to the flickr photos from friends that are about sharing their lives via pictures.

Not all photos need to be about being artsy, stylistic, or perfect composure. A hasty snap shot of someone's bed, a pic of the shampoo you use daily, or even what the inside of your car looks like that day is as awesome as and HDR image of a skyline :)

So....I present.. my new favorite bread!

Rise

2010-04-03T11:50:00.001-07:00

So it wasn’t until @Azyxa was like “omg Alachia. new song. do it” in the WoWcast bindpoint channel that I realized I had been spam playing “Rise” over and over again. He had given me a new version of the Rise remix so I decided to create a Rise playlist with the three versions I have: The Original, The Acoustic, and the Remix. I pretty much listened to that all day yesterday. (thanks to Azxa, I now have at least 10 version of the song)

It’s such an amazing song and once again I didn’t even bother to look at the lyrics much because like Eros (452 plays) I just naturally get obsessed with the way a song sounds or feels.

So this morning I decided to finally look at the lyrics and create my own assessment of the meaning.

You should believe me
And everything I choose to do
You should believe that I'll
Always come back to you

I think this is an expression about being yourself. I think the YOU is actually the core self that is safe and grounded. Believing in yourself is the first part of personal growth.

Life is discovering
The love that we create
Life is a mystery
We need to embrace

The love we create and the discovery I assume pertains to the things we find that make us full of life. That we should pursue things that we love to do. The mystery of life being the discovery or ourselves and experiences we can explore if we embrace them.

In every way
You need to let go
You'll see all your dreams will follow
In every way
You need to let go

“Let go” is referring to fears, inhibitions, or anything that might stop you from opportunities. “Dreams will follow” are the possibilities of happiness when you aren’t held back by fear.

(Chorus)
People rise together
When they believe in tomorrow
Change the day to forever
This life keeps movin'
(Repeat 2x)

When you share that belief with other people in changing your tomorrow based off the messages from the previous lyrics, you rise as a human being. “Rise” could mean increase in personal happiness, human betterment, and/or the ability to inspire. Life isn’t stagnant and neither should be how we live our lives.

Open your mind and see
We have everything we need
Dream or reality
Fulfill its destiny

Despite our inhibitions, all we really need is to believe in ourselves. Dream or reality sounds like a play on our perception of what is dreamed and what is possible. I assume this song is trying to express that it doesn’t matter- the point is to seek to make it happen….whatever that is.

In every way
You need to let go
You'll see all your dreams will follow
In every way
You need to let go

(Chorus)
People rise together
When they believe in tomorrow
Change the day to forever
This life keeps movin'
(Repeat 2x)

You need to let go...
You need to let go...

(With instrumentals)
People rise
When they believe
Change the day
This life keeps movin'

(Chorus)
People rise together
When they believe in tomorrow
Change the day to forever
This life keeps movin'
Yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah...

This was Samantha James’s explanation as to what the song meant to her:

Nu-Soul: What was the inspiration for the song “Rise”?
Samantha James: My mom passed away when I was 13 and once I was 19 and over partying I decided it was time for me to grow spiritually. I felt this desire to connect with my mom’s spirit again. I went on a journey to connect with my mom and along that process after working on my music for 8 years I crossed paths with my producer Sebastian Arocha Morton. When I met Sebastian it was totally undeniable that my mom has put us together to make music. That first song “Rise” is about us rising together with my mom’s spirit right alongside us. It’s about people rising together when they believe in tomorrow. And even if you die your spirit lives on. “Rise” has so many different meanings to me. But I have discovered that we created a song that was really needed in the world right now.

The Floss Experiment

2010-03-28T09:24:00.001-07:00

(I love how my Dentist’s office is built to relax you but then you can’t really escape the reality that you’re in the chair. lol)

Most of the experiments in my life usually revolve around society or culture but occasionally I’ll perform a biological or physical one as well. For the last six months, I’ve been trying out my own oral hygiene experiment.

Since I was really little, my parents trained me to have two unconditional, unrelenting routines per day. Wake up- Brush your Teeth/Wash your Face. Before Sleep- Brush your teeth/Wash your Face. Every day for as long as I can remember, this has always been my routine.

However, growing up, as a kid, I had tons of cavities. I could never understand it. I had friends who barely brushed their teeth that never got cavities. I had the most rigorous of routines and I was always having to get fillings. EVERY single dentist appointment usually yielded another appointment to get drilled and filled (TWSS).

I got to a point where I had an actual phobia of going to the dentist. This was later elevated after some gum grafting oral surgery I had like five years ago. It was the consequence of massive gum degradation from constantly rolling my tongue ring along the ridge of my gum and teeth. High price you pay for rebelling and having an oral fixation.

The surgery itself wasn’t too bad but after the procedure there was a horrific process of “lifting” that was done while I was NOT sedated but instead given local anesthesia which was not effective and I felt everything. Anyhow, all I know is that I’m usually cringing every time I’m in the dentist’s chair now and I am clutching my hands together very tightly.

The pain of the cleaning process used to be so discomforting that I used to rake my nails across my hands to distract the oral pain. I never understood why it had always been so painful all these years. The hygienist always encouraged me to floss but I was quite stubborn with changing my routine. I would floss like once or twice a week and sometimes forget.

My teeth are so damn close to each other that it’s not easy cramming the floss in between them. It wasn’t until they started making the flat ribbon type of floss that I was able to try to do it more on a regular basis. So six months ago during my last visit, I had kicked up my routine to about 3 times per week. There was still minor bleeding during my cleaning and she was having to deal with a lot of plaque etc.

She told me I was prone to more plaque build up because my teeth are extremely straight (one of those blessing/curse things) and the tiniest of particles can be trapped without me ever seeing in the mirror. I also have all thirty-two of my teeth including wisdom ones that fully emerged by the time I was thirteen so it’s all packed in tight. BUT I hated flossing so I was very stubborn and resistant to adding it to my nightly routine.

After the last visit, I decided to do an experiment to floss every single day without skipping until my next dentist visit. I figured if flossing every day would make a painless dentist visit then I’d continue. If I still had massive pain, bleeding, and soreness afterwards (oh the pounding, pulsing, throbbing ache!), I’d say fuck it and throw away my floss.

Well during last week’s visit, I got my experiment results! There was virtually no pain whatsoever and she hardly had to clean my teeth at all. There was no bleeding, no soreness. She kept saying I did a great job and that my teeth were beautiful. Btw, beautiful teeth to a hygienist and dentist means they look healthy (not the Christy Turlington type of beautiful).

So lesson learned. Teach your kids to wash their faces, brush their teeth, and FLOSS every day! Actually, flossing is more important than brushing if you can believe that. The health of your gums are far more important than the sparkle of your teeth. Once your gums get hardened, there should be no pain and you’ll have short easy visits to the Dentist!

And then I woke for real

2010-03-24T04:38:00.001-07:00

lol. This is gonna sound weird but this bit of script from the movie Before Sunset is kind of how I feel about the lyrics to Stop This Train by J. Mayer. It’s all about how we deal with age and growing older..you know, what we take from it and how we cope with the reality that not just youth but the moments of life are fleeting:

--------------

I had this funny... well,
horrible dream the other day.

I was having this awful
nightmare, that I was 32,

and then I woke up, and I was 23!

So relieved...

And then I woke up for real,
and I was 32.

- Scary!
- It happens.

Yeah, time goes faster and faster.

Apparently, it's because we don't
renew our synapses live to 20.

So, it's pretty much
downhill from then on.

I like getting older,
you know, it feels...

I don't know,
it feels more immediate.

You know, like I can
appreciate things more.

No, me too, actually.
I really love it.
--------------
Sometimes it seems as if we look down and then look back up again and bam, it’s a decade later. I don’t want to look down and look up again and feel like I missed it all.

Happiness Series: Synthetic Happiness

2010-03-22T07:54:00.001-07:00

I’ve been researching happiness for the last two weeks now. I’ve uncovered some interesting talks, articles, and a crap ton of comments from people who think they have a definitive answer.

As with everything, there’s always a flipside. And my mind is spinning out of control trying to process them all. I guess I’ll just break up certain sides into a series of posts.

So…one of the most prevalent outcome of searching for happiness from online resources is you’ll discover the notion of synthetic happiness. For many people, this is achieved through exercising the mind, limiting, choices, and focusing on the present. This is however, artificial happiness. It yields almost identical results as natural happiness according to Dan Glibert’s TED Talk (I’ll try to embed the video below). The only difference is that it is stimulated by training your mind to bend and fold the reality at hand to produce an outcome of happiness.

This works. It really does. I believe it does. However, I’m too cynical and introspective to accept this method for myself. I call it self-deluding and I would always know I was deluding myself and therefore this wouldn’t work. There are other people in my life who are perfectly content with this form of happiness.

My brother is one such individual. He is a happy person. He has always been a happy person. Hmmm. I should have defined my definition of happiness earlier. I go by the generic definition in that happiness is state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy. If in some spectrum you are in this category state of being, I consider that happiness. There is a whole slew of semantics you could argue about this but I know that most people understand the basic concept of feeling happy.

So when I say my brother is happy, it’s not like he’s bouncing off walls and always adding LOVE!!! and YES!!! and COOL!!! after everything he says and does. He’s always had a very quiet satisfaction about his life. And he’ll admit this so it’s not like I’m passing unfair judgment. He has no qualms with self-delusion. He knows a large part of that contentment and deep satisfaction with himself and his life comes from encouraging his mind to reinforce his ego. In other words, he deludes himself into thinking he’s sheer awesomesauce. lol.

Wherever he goes, he has this satisfying smirk on his face and is often laughing at himself in pure self-amusement. My uncle once came to visit us and remarked immediately about my brother that he would always be happy and successful in life.

It’s true. With such a strong built-in mechanism for self-delusion, you are bound to ALWAYS uncover the brighter side of everything. I don’t think delusion is a bad thing at all but it only works if you are purely focused on the now and in the moment and not standing above yourself at all times analyzing every aspect of your thought. That’s what I do and it’s infuriating because it will not allow me to employ synthetic happiness.

I will say I actually got pretty annoyed watching the Dan Gilbert TED video because of his attitude about synthetic happiness. I almost want everyone who speaks about how to achieve happiness to say two things. 1) It is okay to not always be happy and 2) We are too varied a species to achieve happiness in the same way. By saying this, it eliminates the pressure that we must all conform to the same type of happiness. Genetics, socioeconomic, and environment will play a large part in the variances of our ability to “stumble upon happiness.”

And so my own personal reaction to the video was this:

"So basically you're saying I should indulge is self-delusion to chase happiness??"

“Synthetic happiness is a form of self-delusion. It's a rational mechanism we produce when boxed in...it's a survival mechanism..not real happiness nor should it be a valid replacement in my opinion for natural happiness...not unless we want to be creatures of ignorance.”

And it wasn’t until I had calmed my nerves that I applied those two things I mentioned earlier that should be said before engaging in discussions about happiness. Then it was easier for me to process the idea of synthetic happiness and while it’s not something that works for me, I do believe people can live amazingly happy and lives from this theory. Even though I think he’s self-deluded in many respects, I often envy my brother.

Video: Dan Gilbert’s TED Talk- Why Are we Happy?

And here is my chat with Jemimus in the MetaTalks bindpoint channel about the Talk. You can see how my cynical my mind is:

***Metatalks Channel***
***Scroll Mouse over text box to pause scrolling***
Jemimus: watching them now
Jemimus: are you watching them or going to watch them?
Jemimus: the first one was very very good
Alachia: watching now
Alachia: btw. he paraphrased that Adam Smith quote
Alachia: I've known about synthetic happiness as a solution for a long time.
Alachia: it's called self-deluded happiness. it's effective 100% too if you rule out logic in your life.
Jemimus: I think the lesson I took from that talk, is that if you exclude CHOICE, its more effective
Jemimus: if you convince yourself that it couldn't have been different, then what you end up with is so much better
Jemimus: I think that is exactly what you have been doing
Jemimus: and so perhaps you are right, perhaps accepting your fate is the best coarse
Alachia: it's just a little flawed logically.
Alachia: that's like saying slaves were extremely happy because they were forced into a life with little options.
Alachia: they should be the most happy or capable of producing synthetic happiness
Jemimus: But I think that might be the point. Deprived of any choices, of any chance of things being different, people will -generate- happiness somehow. Even if their circumstances are harsh
Jemimus: of course there are limits to this I am sure
Jemimus: But the rule will probably hold more often than we think
Alachia: it's self-bias. it's all fancy for "ignorance is bliss"
Alachia: in which case, we should kill the information age immediately and go back to living like African tribes where the discovery of a torn plastic bag is the highlight of our month.
Alachia: and I'm not being facetious
Alachia: and this rationalization of limiting choices in our lives is not new. It was discovered and taught by Buddha thousands of years ago.
Jemimus: Perhaps then, we should become Buddhists, and cast off our false expectations of our so-called possible life. :) But yes, this is nothing new. And it's hard trick to pull off. To -accept- ones fate. You keep asking yourself if that is not the better course, but at the same time, realize that you can't do it.
Jemimus: And thus, are we left with feeling perpetually miserable about ourselves?
Alachia: it requires radical de-acceleration of our human minds desire to open Pandora's box, not to mention radical life change. people who truly practice Buddhism must basically abandon everything in their life.
Alachia: and even I take issue with true Buddhist monks. They are at the mercy of people willing to take care of them. That's just a little bullshit IMO. so at the price of their tranquility and zen, we have to feed them and provide them clothing and shelter.. ... in America we call that welfare.
Jemimus: indeed, if you think of the what exactly they try to change about their own physiology, it's not surprising. You can't do these things half-heartedly.
Alachia: but yeah.. I get the philosophy behind it
Jemimus: they have religious reverence on their side, it's a pretty sweet deal ;)
Jemimus: I think the lesson to take away from all of this is simply to maximize what you have, spend most of your efforts there, and not as much on what -could- be. But we seem to do that naturally anyway
Alachia: or that happiness is over-rated
Alachia: and it should NOT be a life goal.
Alachia: but a pleasurable outcome that happens from time to time as you pursue the simplistic goal of living.
Jemimus: I don't think its overrated, I believe happiness IS a goal, however, trying to strive for it may be pointless. It will come about regardless. If we don't have it, we will generate it ourselves, as you say, pursuing the simplistic goals. But also the not so simplistic ones: Buying a $1000 chair, making a podcast, chatting to friends, etc. Watching stimulating TED talks :)

(mouse over the chat box to stop text from scrolling up)

The Happiness Fairy

2010-03-21T06:40:00.001-07:00

I was talking to a friend the other day about how our society tends to define how we’re supposed to view relationships. It’s funny that we grow up with a concept of belonging.

Ever since I was a child, hell even back to first grade, it was engrained in our heads that to be attached is the ideal. If you didn’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend you were a loser, a loner, and unlovable. I watched all of my friends hook up in grade school. It was a BIG deal to have a steady boyfriend/girlfriend. It was serious.

That’s the way it looked from the way our culture sets it up. It was all set in bold even more by the fact that break-ups were huge! There they were, these kids, not even twelve years old feeling as if they had failed at life because they couldn’t make a relationship last more than six months. All that mattered was that you belonged to someone.

I had a unique perspective obviously because I never hooked up with anyone. I was able to observe from the outside. I asked my dad a lot why I didn’t have a boyfriend. He would say that it would happen when it happens like it was going to be some cosmic magical force that was destined in life. Looking back, I find it rather absurd and amusing. I guess he certainly couldn’t have just said, “you don’t fit the standard mold of what people are looking for.” That would have been too cruel so I thank him for that.

In retrospect, I’m very glad I never had to ride the crazy rollercoaster of relationship issues my peers went through. At a certain point in high school, I decided I didn’t really need boys (or girls) to feel whole. My girlfriends would spend so much time obsessing and lamenting and constantly saying, “I need a man! I need a man! I want a man!”

My mantra back to them is, “You don’t need a man.” But the truth was that they didn’t just want a man. They were longing to feel whole. For most of the people around me, all I hear is how life isn’t complete without a dedicated companion. So you can imagine how disappointed people spend their whole lives based on this concept?!

I wonder why in our culture we aren’t taught to think we are enough and it’s simply the sharing and growth we gain from other people that makes the human connection so powerful and beautiful. It’s just such an unhealthy perception that we need someone else to make ourselves happy, to be complete.

It feels great no doubt, to let yourself fall…To allow those social constructs of happiness seem to check themselves off the list. Even the most cynical of people want to fall in love, get married, and share a lasting, passionate, comfortable life together. The sad truth though is that no one can “make” you happy except you and that’s a scary fact to be confronted with. It’s way easier to put your life’s happiness in the hands of an external force.

Of course after all my stupid psychoanalyzing and coming to terms with this, I have not yet come to any solution as to become my own source of happiness. I guess just like everyone else, I’m hoping it’s as simple the happiness fairy coming by and sprinkling me with happy dust. [insert pharmaceutical joke here]. And this where I loop back around to my default defense mechanism: Isn’t happiness over-rated? If we chase happiness, won’t we always feel unhappy?

The "Outback"

2010-03-19T08:19:00.001-07:00

The Maxx, Book 1, originally uploaded by Timaximus.

The Maxx is an American comic that was turned into an animated series by MTV in the 90s. It's a bit complicated but that's what I loved about the series as well as Aeon Flux. It wasn't until I watched those that I realized animations and comics had any depth to them (the exception being Winnie the Pooh and his great philosophies regarding the simplicities of life). Later on, I discovered anime and loved it.

This entire story line almost entirely takes place in the subconscious mind which is why I love it so much. It follows this woman who goes to help a man and ends up raped, beaten, and left to die. The world that is created in the comic is all about the psychological "Outback" in which she is able to deal with learning how to cope again.

The Maxx is sort of her guardian that is linked to her subconscious. In the real world, he's a homeless hopeless guy but in her Outback, he's a more effective protector. The dynamic of the two worlds is done very well and more importantly to me, it successfully visualizes the complexity of the human mind. I love how in depth they explore the psyche and how difficult it is to repair yourself alone.

I think I see the Meta a lot like the "Outback" but obviously not on the same traumatic story scale as Julie's plight. To a degree, I believe so many people are escaping or migrating to the Meta because they're trying to take control of something they can't cope with or fully realize in the real world. I'm very interested in observing people as they create their own "Leopard Queen" personas. Inevitably, as great as we think it is to delve far from reality, just like Julie, we discover that the "Mr.Gone's" and "Isz" follow us. The real challenge is allowing the Meta to help us find ourselves again and then returning back to reality better and more intact and not completely lost. Dilemma, I know.

Anyhow, the Animated Series ends well before the actual story line gets crazier which I think is good. It was already probably well over most people's level of psychoanalytical flavoring. I signed a petition a few years ago to try and get The Maxx produced to dvd. And I recently bought the animated series as soon as it became available on DVD. I think I might watch that this weekend.

Maybe I can figure out how to extinguish my own iszs. Here's a link/clip to the series if you want to check it out:

The Maxx - MTV Shows

Flagship Alachia

2010-03-14T21:30:00.001-07:00

Flagship Alachia, originally uploaded by alachia.

So when I bought my kite at the World Wind Kite Shop, the guy at the counter paused and looked up at me and smiled. He chuckled and said, "so this one... it will take 10-15 mins to set up. You might want to practice first."

I think what he meant to say was "LAWLZ. good luck flying a ship in the wind!"

The assembly wasn't too bad actually although I got the sails backwards at first. During construction, it kept wanting to take off on its own. However, while I tried to launch it, it would never catch wind. The wind totally started to die down and there were no good gusts.

I was totally determined though to make this thing fly! I finally caught it on a strong breeze after many, many attempts and it launched! I kept having to run around and try to catch more breezes. The wind really needs to be pretty strong for this type of kite.

It's also kind of crazy out there during the Zilker Park Kite Festival because of tangling lines and crossing over each other. Many people got caught in crazy webs! I was fortunate to not get crisscrossed. I got my kite sailing for about 10 minutes before the wind got too low to make a decent flight.

It was a lovely day though. I only wish it had been a bit windier. I'll post more pics tomorrow. I had to go to an unexpected but lovely dinner after the festival so I got back home a lot later than I had planned.

Mission make a boat fly though was a success! I'm quite glad the festival got postponed to this weekend so I got a chance to experience it.

Forget-me-not

2010-03-12T09:33:00.001-08:00

Singed. that's what connections are to me.
they singe my "soul"

I am forever effected and the memory of that connection lasts with me. I've asked my friends in the past if they ever think about or reflect on the people from their past. They usually say they don't give it much thought. if someone isn't around then they aren't in their minds..they are forgotten.

I try a lot to forget sometimes but I can't. Maybe I allow connections to grab too strong a hold on me. Even some of the briefest meetings have left lasting impressions on me...sometimes it's just a facial expression I remember or even the few words exchanged... sometimes something super minor like how they looked at their shoe while talking. So you can imagine if someone has had any significance in my life that the impression goes very deep.

I don't let go easily..certainly not in my head. Physically I let people slip in and out of my life as they please..this is because
I hate the thought that someone is only around me because I want them to be... I hate forced relationships. I'm fairly easy to put down and pick up I think...although I know some people wouldn't agree.
It's just that I don't like the fuss of definitions..either we are or we aren’t connecting.

Anyhow, in a very selfish way, I think that being forgotten is extremely sad. I know it shouldn’t make me sad because when someone has no impact on your life anymore..why should it matter if they ever remembered you? I guess it’s that fear of just being like a ghost..that you pass through people without leaving a mark…that you leave no impressions.

I’ve become sort of obsessed with the flower Forget-me-nots lately. I keep trying to figure out how to obtain some to keep by my window. And since I probably can’t find any around here, I might try to get a picture print of some for my wall. This flower represents to me that we all transfer pieces of ourselves through our connections with others even if our touch is light. The blooms on the flowers occur in groups and are almost always touching one another and and often times the clusters generate a heart shape.

They’re sweet I think. Today I focus on the good remembrances…tomorrow I might delve into the ones I actually do wish I could forget… heh. Always a flip side.

Mayer, Nachos, and Penis

2010-03-12T04:09:00.001-08:00

I had a great time at the John Mayer concert last Monday. Funny thing was that it wasn't even that great of a concert. Indoor acoustics always have a terrible bleed. I will always prefer an outdoor concert even if it means standing in 110 degree heat like I did at the Houston one.

That Mayer concert at the Woodlands Pavilion two years ago still stands out as my absolute favorite. The energy was so high and he played an amazing set list. I even hunted down and found an mp3 of that concert that someone recorded (I knew someone recorded it because the guy with the equipment was sitting in the row in front of me).

This concert's set list was okay and he had great stage presence as always but indoor concerts always have a very static vibe. My favorite parts were definitely the opening of the concert, the opening of the encore, and his cover of Ain't No Sunshine.

What I loved most about the event was getting to be there for Tivi's first concert ever and Flipmax's first Mayer one. It's always nice to see things through fresh eyes. And of course, my brother and I are both dedicated Mayer fans so it's great we get to keep sharing the experience of his concerts together.

We didn't eat before the concert so we ended up buying food at the vendors. Flipmax and I both got a cheeseburger and shared a thing of nachos. It was not easy carrying all that food and two giant extra large plastic cups of Diet coke down to our seats.

I ended up spilling a cheesy nacho on my jeans. Thank god for jeans though! After using the condensation of the cup and my napkin, you couldn't tell I just had hot cheese gooked on my pants.

Michael Franti came on as the opening act and I was not too impressed but Flipmax and I kept laughing at how schitzo his songs were. They'd start out all gospel like, then turn into a ballad, and then a rock section.. so weird. I got up to throw away our food and hunt down a t-shirt.

On my way back from buying my shirt, I stopped at another vendor and bought myself and Tivi some cotton candy. mmm!!! It was so delicious but gave me a really freaky sugar buzz..

After the concert, Flipmax said he loved the concert but that he wished Mayer had played Daughters so when we got back to the car, I played a concert version of Daughters for him. lol. It took forever to get out of the parking garage which I realized was a mistake since I know downtown well enough to find a spot on the streets.

And despite our maniacal plans to yell out “Penis” and “Racist” during the middle of the show, we refrained. I did however get Tivi to say the word penis pretty loud before the show began. lol. I was surprised. I think it was because we had just watched 500 days of Summer this past weekend and there is a scene were they are shouting the word “Penis!” in a public park.

I of course looked at the set list for Houston and sure enough he played Something’s Missing AND Comfortable! OMG. I’m always at the wrong damn venue. I keep checking itunes to see if he’s released any more AS/IS concert albums. Nothing yet.

Lover

2010-03-11T14:36:00.001-08:00

I am a lover
I want to have
I want to give
I am a lover
I want to crawl behind those eyes
I want to claw beneath that skin

You fold your hands around my arms
You try to consume me whole
But I am already vapor in your lungs
I like to tease.
I like to play
I pretend to be mad so that you
Do not perceive my queerness

I am a mad lover then
But I am not mad with love
I simply want to dance naked
Before your eyes and make
Us shiver with fierce desire

I want to crave what I cannot have
I want to seek which is unseen
I want to have this all in you
What I am not allowed
I am a secret lover

I like to hide the trinkets of my affection
In little napkins under my ears
I use my finger and carve a sketch
And dab the napkin with our flesh

These are thoughts which betray my mind
These are wishes which remain unheard
For I am not a lover
But a dream which a lover did have

This I cry
I am a lover

The Terrorists and the Photographer

2010-03-08T23:47:00.001-08:00

Parking, originally uploaded by alachia.

Part of my failed attempt to pick up my tickets for John Mayer this afternoon led me to the parking lot across from the event center. The whole two hours it took me to run errands that led nowhere due to the Industrial Waste department being closed and the idiot ticketmaster booth not having tickets ready would have been wasted but for photography.

As I was heading back to my car, I kept noticing really abstract things in the garage and started to take pictures of signs, construction joints, etc. I snapped some pics here and there but didn't dawdle much because I wanted to get back home.

I was about to get in my car when this guy comes running towards me waving his hands at me. I was already halfway in my car so I got out and approached him...all the while thinking I gotta be prepared to fight if this is a mugging.

The guy gets to me and says, "Hi, I'm Paul blahblah with the Risk Assessment Management team and I noticed you were taking pictures. What was that about?"

I kinda of laughed because I was so annoyed but in the best of spirits tried to explain to him how I love finding abstract art in construction methods and industrial mechanisms. I said I love Exit signs and stairwells and stained concrete.

He seemed to believe me and told me he just had to check to be sure although technically I'm not sure how you really assess risk by just listening to someone go on and on about photography and the art of modern construction.

Although there have been no terrorists attacks on US soil since 9/11, I still feel they have succeeded somehow. We lost our innocence as a society. Every person with a camera is documenting for terrorism. Every person in an airport drinking water is set to light the plane on fire.

We live terrorized at the thought that walking among us is someone ready to blow up half a city block. It's sad. And the worst part is that it won't end up being someone who carries around a camera like a tourist. The problem is, the person who does something like that... you'll never even see them.

And being cynical, I could have just seen myself being beaten and raped in that parking lot without a peep of assistance from Mr. Risk Assessment but pull out your Nikon and wham...they'll be at your feet. But this is the world we live in now.

I keep waiting for google earth and bing maps to team up so I can just explore the world outside in pure VR. No one cares if you document a VR reality. I actually had fun doing that a few days ago using google maps. I was able to look around and capture images of a VR projection of a real space at my own leisure and without worry that a cop would come chase me down. At least I didn't get frisked like my friend Jason for wanting to take pics of an awesome smoke stack.

Weekend Unplugged

2010-03-08T04:41:00.001-08:00

I went to my parent’s house this weekend to celebrate my father’s birthday. It was a nice visit because my brother’s girlfriend also came with us. When we got to the house Friday night, my mom had a delicious dinner waiting for us.. it was like 10:30pm. My brother was so hungry he was like sweating from stress. Lol. I could have gone like another 12 hours before eating honestly but definitely enjoyed the meal. Tivi didn’t eat much of it because she can’t stand to eat any meat that’s been boiled.

I like started to put their luggage in my brother’s old room but Taint was like “no, Tivi’s sleeping in your room and we’re in my room.” I was like what? Why? Turns out she didn’t want them to stay in the same room out of respect for my parent’s in case they were against non married people sharing the same bedroom. I told her they totally wouldn’t care but she opted to sleep by herself anyhow.

Taint was pretty tired that night and crashed right away. Tivi wasn’t tired so we ended up watching (500) Days of Summer. It’s a bitter-sweet romance movie about how easy it is to fool yourself into believing in an idealized relationship…when in reality, it was probably never meant to be…and coming to terms with that. I particularly enjoyed the range of emotions it showed through the stages of the relationship. The bliss and elation when you think you’ve discovered the key to happiness..to the absolute bitter moment when you realize that neither person is happy anymore but you fake it until someone breaks. Also, it was another one of those movies that falsely glorifies the idea of being an architect. Lol.

I think I went to bed around 4:30am and woke up around 7:30am the following morning. I spent a lot of time talking to my parents. They love to talk a lot about the perceptions of how to live a life which I find quite amusing and a bit ironic because I don’t really consider them to have really lead a life but that’s just my perception, I guess. My parents aren’t religious but have absolute faith in their convictions about “the proper way in which life should be lead.” They are the reason I live the life I live today because deviation from that path would probably make their heads explode. I sometimes wonder how I came from them because I couldn’t have turned out more different. I hate it when my mom asks me if I’m happy because saying you aren't isn't acceptable.

It was nice to have Tivi there though because we got to hang out with her all morning and I got to divert a lot of attention away from myself to her. I think my parents are still trying to figure her out because she’s relatively new in their lives although she’s actually been with my brother for over three years. My parents don’t understand the secrecy of a relationship. For them, you like someone, you date publicly, meet the parents, family, and friends, then get engaged and marry..then have babies- spend your whole life dedicated to raising your kids—and then spend the rest of your life working until you retire. I’m not sure how they see their life at retirement. I’m kind of interested in seeing how they’ll live their lives when it’s just about living it for themselves and not their family.

I keep telling them to go and fucking live their live while they’re still healthy and have the energy. Stop waiting. I also threatened my mother that if she dared to leave me any money after she died, I’d donate it to the democratic party (she hates democrats) so she better spend it all. She and my dad always talk about how they want to be able to leave a ton of money to their kids when they die but I think that’s so bullshit. They save money and never live their lives so they can give away all they earned to my brother and I for what?? I hate that idea, just hate it.

We had a nice big lunch at a placed called Sartins where we all got the All you can eat Crab platter. What sucked is that I had to get the platter too which was a total waste because I don’t really like eating crab. I never learned how and getting the meat out of those things is very frustrating. I just eat the fried fish and shrimp that come with the platter. However, if one person gets an all you can eat platter, everyone has to…it’s their policy to ensure people don’t cheat off each other’s plates.

For my dad’s birthday, my brother and I were going to buy him a PS3 but we went all over town trying to find one but not a single store had one. It sucked. We ended up buying him a wireless adapter for his blue ray player, a jawbone wireless headset for his iphone and two blue ray discs (2012 and The Hulk). We’re gonna get him him the PS3 for father’s day instead. The wireless adapter is a temporary hold over so he can watch his Netflix streams in the living room but the connection isn’t strong enough for the HD streams.

We also picked up a cookie cake for my dad and I thought of Jeppy and how he freaked out the first time he saw a picture of a cookie cake. He tried to find one in the UK but the equivalent ones he found didn’t really look at all like ours. We always do cookie cakes for birthdays. I didn’t get a picture of it but I found out they do double dib cookie cakes which means they layer two cookie cakes with white icing in between! Omg.

Great food, delicious cake, and always nice spending time with my parents despite their occasional oppressive agendas. However, being unplugged from the Meta is like being in a time vacuum for me. It’s the most surreal thing nowadays since I’m so used to being plugged in nearly 24/7. I kept thinking about how much I wanted to log on to my laptop but there was never a moment free and usually if I do plug in, my parents are still talking to me so I can’t really immerse my conscious that much.
But now I’m back and super excited because today is the John Mayer concert!! I can’t wait!

Uploading Myself to the Hive

2010-03-05T10:28:00.001-08:00

It’s pretty maddening how sad I can become in such a short period of time. Everything is predictable in the span of time we live and yet for some reason, we can not predict any of the range of things that will begin go to effect our emotions. You just never know when something good or bad will slip in and out of your life.

The one thing about realizing this is that you start to learn to really, really appreciate the times when you are flying and loving the moment. Why aren’t I more alive? Why do I let the darkness always consume me? Who was it that yells seize the day? Horace?

I keep wondering why I don’t expect more out of being human, knowing what is possible and what we’re capable of…and yet I don’t do much but observe and take mental notes. I guess that’s why I’m so invested in the Meta because it’s my way of actually doing something…of being more human than I can dream of in the RL.

Yet, it’s so hard to escape feeling like my life is this horrible broken record that continues to play that same sad tune. One of the only things that makes me feel alive anymore is trying to inject a bit of my consciousness into others who see me and anywhere else I can. I’m like that evil dude in Harry Potter, trying to leave bits of his life essence in objects and people around the world. lol. It’s true though, it helps to keep me sane.

It might be vain but I don’t care. I feel like that’s a huge part of being human. I mean look at it! It’s the essence of life isn’t it? When an animal or person gives birth, they are essentially vainly ensuring a trace of themselves extends beyond their biological body. I just choose to conduit my essence via brainwaves and digital foot prints instead.

And I also love the mutual exchange. It’s not just one to another, it cycles back and is processed and then re-engaged into another conscious and so on and so forth. We are a network of thought and ideas. The human collective is a powerful system as long as you toggle most of your preceptors on. I’ve always loved the idea of the borg.

To truly be able to share a hive mind seems beautiful to me and not scary at all. I think the scary part is where you think of it as mind control like when they introduce the Queen it gets fucked up because then it’s just brain washing and not truly a collective network of all thoughts and ideas. We all pride ourselves in individuality but can you imagine just how much more amazing we’d be if we could see everything through everyone’s mind?

Wow, I’ve managed to distract myself from my initial sadness with this post. That was unexpected. Must find more ways to keep my thoughts on the up and up.

Dinner and Groceries

2010-03-04T04:43:00.001-08:00

Flipmax and I both hate going to get groceries so we sort of make it a habit of going together. We usually grab some dinner first and the head to the super market. This time we went to Nutty Brown Cafe. I actually don’t enjoy the food so much at this place but I love the appetizer called the Nutty Brown Queso which comes with three bowls of chip dip plus a bowl of salsa. mmmmm.

It’s also the times he and I just hang out ourselves without the rest of the group and it’s really nice because when they are all together they talk nothing but work since they all work at the same company now. This particular night we talked a lot about gaming stigmas because that news had just come out about that psychopath who attacked his mom when she interrupted him while playing WoW.

It's sorta weird because while actually in the grocery store, we don't often talk much. We have our own carts and occasionally he'll follow me or vise versa or we'll intersect at an aisle and make the odd comment or two (like about the fallac ice frozen desserts) or some new jam we thought looked cool.

We just like sharing our misery of having to shop together I guess and sometimes he copies the desserts I put in my cart and I copy the low-sugar items he tries out. I always get about 2x more groceries than him but he takes longer than me because I bring a list and he browses for what he needs.

At first, we tried to share a cart but that got to be too complicated when it came to the check-out counter. The best thing is that I got him hooked onto Diet Sunkist as well although he only drinks one pack in like 3 weeks whereas I drink 3 packs in 1 week. lol. Just spreading the message of Diet Sunkist to the world! *opens a can* here, the first one is free :)

This week I feel like I didn’t pick up enough produce and meat so I ended up with a cart full of snacks but no substance. I’m kind of paying for that now with lack of real meals but so far it’s not an issue since I have like zero appetite still.

FYI, pre-packaged sugar-free jell-o cups are awesome. Everyone should add those to their grocery list.

My 30 Second Life in Germany

2010-03-03T12:05:00.001-08:00

So Sahd is in Germany this month for work and I sometimes chat with him briefly before his work 6am his time.. usually 11pm or so my time. He’s been doing twelve hour shifts and no weekends but seems to be enjoying a lot of weird food like a Turkish Döner kebab.

Anyhow, during our chat before his work he asks “wanna live in Germany?” and I go “Sure!”

He laughs and talks about how the guys over there really like him and how he could probably get a job there but it would require extensive traveling on his part etc. I thought for a moment that it would be pretty awesome to live in Europe for a little while. I quickly pulled up a map of Europe and gauged how far all the places I’ve wanted to to visit are from Nürnberg which is around where we’d be living.

Jeppy was 11 hours away and Jemimus was only 6 hours away! I’d get to see his new flat! Paris was 7 hours, London 9 hours, and Rome 10 hours. Europe is truly funny in the ability to cross multiple countries in the time span it takes me to cross my own state of Texas. It’s amazing…like the time I mapped the Netherlands over Texas to demonstrate to Jemimus why I think Amsterdam is very close to his home.

I just thought of how nice it’d be to go around taking pictures of actual genuine Architecture and see places I wouldn’t have the time to ever see. Of course, it was all short-lived in my head because he then told me that they have shitty internet connection. I was like.. yeah, no thanks. lol. such a bandwidth snob.

Also, pretty sure it’d be very difficult for me to find a job there and leaving my few but amazing RL friends behind would be almost unbearable. But it was fun living there in my head for the few seconds it was a possibility. I'd strongly consider though if I thought for a second Sahd was offering it up as a serious option.

FPS, BF, and the Game Stop Douche

2010-03-02T09:45:00.001-08:00

Batttlefield: Bad Company 2 Limited Edition, originally uploaded by alachia.

I got bored playing Left 4 Dead because I don't really enjoy running the campaigns over and over again. I really like player vs player action and we never really got into 4v4 with that game. The people we were supposed to be able to scrimmage with ended up not being people who really like competition. It was a fun campaign though, I'm just not one to keep doing stuff just for weird achievements.

So then we picked up Modern Warfare 2 which actually looked promising. I was actually really not effected by the lack of dedicated servers which people claimed would bring the sky down. The only issues I had with the PC version was no punkbuster and therefore hacking was pretty common.

It is still surprising to me how many people get joy out of no skill kill shots just for the thrill of griefing. One day, I'd love to compile a round table discussion with those types and the youtube commenters. Of course, it'd just turn into a panel full of people screaming profanities and flipping each other off. lol. maybe not such a good idea after all.

But the real killer for me with MW2 was the noob tubing (grenade launchers). Certain level ups and class builds would get you to OMA (one man army) build. Bam, suddenly you're sitting on a never ending set up grenades for your 'nade launcher. You just sit and go *thooof* and never again have to bother worrying about the head shot.

I'd be rounding a corner and *thoof* I see this grenade thrown into the ceiling above me and bam.. dead. This was so prevalent. And what's worse with MW2 is that you get kill streak rewards. Soooooo, you do OMA nade until you get a few kill streaks, then get your chopper, then harrier, then at 25 kill stream nuke.

At times, there was so actual little man to man gunfire that I just go so bored with just eyeing the sky to blast down harriers. It's PROBABLY more realistic to modern warfare (duh!) but it makes for a very boring FPS in my opinion.

I actually don't mind getting decimated and destroyed over and over again by actual gun play. I find those games the most rewarding even if we lose. Anyhow, my brother kept harassing me about having quit MW2 and would sit there and brag about how he noob tubed an entire game and laughed maniacally. I'd just roll my eyes and say "hax" and "learn to shoot your actual weapon." Of course that's just teasing because he's actually really, really good with twitch skills. That's the thing that killed me about MW2, it would take some of the best man to man FPS battles and deduce awesome players into noob heads.

I also miss roll based FPS games... medic, sodlier, engineer, recon, heavy artillary etc. Those are so much more fun to me because you are highly dependent on a good dynamic of class specializations. SOO, I was over at Taint and Tivi's last night for Taco night and Taint was like, "hey, there's this trailer you should watch. you might like it."

He showed me the Battlefield: Bad Company 2 trailer. We had all played BF1942 and BF2142. I loved 2142. After watching the gameplay, I was like... "score! medic! engineer!" and "wow.. when is this coming out?!" and he says, "3 hours from now."

Lol., so we get on the phone with Gamestop and find out if they are doing a midnight release. We specifically ask the guy if they still have non pre-ordered Limited Editions to sell (at this point he says it's too late to pre-order). The guys says yeah but tells us to get there at 10pm so we can go ahead and buy them early and they can hand us the game at midnight.. yadayadada etc..

We're like, there is no way we're hanging out at a Gamestop for 2 hours. This isn't Cataclysm or Final Fantasy XIV for fucksake. Instead, we head out there around 11:30. There's like about 20 people in line...all men. Everyone of them had pre-ordered the game.

While we were in line, I was sitting there listening to a bunch of guys hanging out and talking about FPS games. They start on about Modern Warfare and sure enough one guy starts bashing the noob tubing fuck fest it has become and I turned to Taint and say, "see! I'm not crazy!" and he laughs and makes the *thoof* sound effect and laughs maniacally. lol. bastard.

At the counter, Taint buys a copy for Tivi and himself and the Game Stop guy goes.."uh.. I don't know if we have enough." He checks his computer and is like "okay.. I got two." And of course, when I go up to buy mine, the guy is like "that dude took the only copies we had for non pre-order."

Now, see. When we called this guy earlier, he specifically said they had a lot of non pre-order copies to sell. And we were like the only non pre-order people there. First Game Stop Fail.

So we drive down the street to the next Game Stop. I ask the guy if he has any non pre-order Battlefields for the PC to sell. He says yes. In fact, his case shows around 15 boxes. The store is empty.

As he pulls the game out of the shelf, he starts saying, "Actually, we shouldn't give this to you. If you want a midnight release, you need to get here at 10pm that way we can already have checked you and you could be home right now already playing the game. Also, you really need to pre-order if you want a game on midnight release. The only reason I have this copy to sell to you is because I had people revoke their pre-order. And you are losing out on all the unlocks because you didn't pre-order."

After, I'm like "yeah.. okay, cool. thanks for the information. we'll do that next time," he flips the game over and makes me read the system requirements for the game. He says, "I need you to make sure you have a computer that at least match these requirements or else there's no point in selling it to you because you wont' be able to play it." I tell him, "yes, my pc has all those requirements."

And then he cards me and tells me he can't sell me an additional copy (I was buying two in case Sahd or Flip wanted to play ) because he can only sell one copy per ID...which was funny because Taint had bought his two copies at the other store with one ID. Luckily Taint shows him his ID and I get my second copy.

Then the guy goes on about how if we had gotten there like 10 minutes later, the store would have been closed and we would have been SOL and standing in horrible lines at Walmart. He then goes on about how we had better pre-order for any other games like Cataclysm if we plan on getting it at midnight because it was likely we wouldn't get our game if we tried to pull this same shit again.

Whatever..douche. First, do you want to sell a fucking game or not? If not, fine whatever, I'll just go home and play WoW or surf flickr. Second, if that guy on the phone had told us they had vitually NO copies of non pre-order games to buy, we might have not bothered but they made it seem like it was no big deal.

And seriously, what is the point of showing up at 10pm and waiting two hours? It literally would have taken this guy 10 full second to ring me up if he hadn't been going off about how I didn't deserve the game and how I was missing out because I had foolishly not pre-ordered.

After my experience with Pre-Ordering Wrath of the Lich King at Game Stop, I have no desire to ever pre-order with them again. They are slow, their staff sucks. The night of WoTLK, I had to figure out how I was going to get an extra copy of Wrath because I hadn't pre-ordered at Game Stop for Tivi.

The Game Stop I had copies on reserve with that night was RIGHT next to a Walmart. I went to Walmart first that night because the Game Stop Line was rediculous. The line at Walmart was tiny (all non pre-orders) and second, the workers at the electronics/game departments at Walmarts don't give a shit about shooting the shit with you about games. They are fast as hell. They throw your game in the bag, swipe your card, and shove you down the line faster than you can say "Arthas."

I had not only gotten an extra game copy but also bought a lot of snack food from Walmart when I went to Game Stop to pick up our three reserve and there was STILL a line. The guys getting WoTLK at Walmart were all joking about how they were gonna walk by the Game Stop people and laugh.

Anyhow, pre-order or no pre-order, I read from the EA response to several forum questions that everyone would receive those unlocks. Limited Edition pre-orders get you some unlocks that would otherwise take you 15 hours to get.

15 hours. hahahahahahaa. That's hilarious. That's like a blink of an eye in FPS. And the squad unlock you get in 30 days and the one gun that might have been unique to the pre-order you can get by installing an old BF2 game. Whatever, I don't know why that guy wasn't just happy that we were buying the game. Maybe he thought it was wasted on me?

I remember getting home and installing it on my machine hoping it had been worth worth it. Whenever I start up with multiplayer FPS games there are three phases that shoot out of my mouth on repetition.
1. COME ON!! Are you fucking kidding me?
2. How the fuck did they?! oh... damn.. yeah..that's impressive.
3. Reloading...omg.. fucking reload.

This game was no exception and once I got my bearings, figured out how scoring worked and how to work spawning on squad, it was really hella fun. At first, I was combing through my gear looking for my normal engineering tools (I <3 playing engineer) until I realized it's all unlocked through levels. After that, I was on a mission to get my first mine.

Taint picked up medic and Tivi Assault (giver of the sweet ammo nector). I can't tell you how thrilling it was when Taint unlocked defib for the first time and I got an actual rez. Jeesus!!!! It's been ages since I've experience an in-game FPS rez. I've missed that kind of team dynamic. And later of course, I discovered the deliciousness of destructible environments. I've seen these in so many game trailers but until I actually RPG'd a wall down to get a camping duo in a building out, I had no idea what I was missing.

I only wish I had a better graphics card because apparently on Tivi's new upgraded machine, it looks awesome. I had to turn most of my graphic setting down to stop the game from glitching about. Maybe when I'm over there next time, I'll do a 1 minute video of her game play and also show you what it looks like for Taint to play on his 30" monitor.

I had a ton of fun playing this one from the get go as opposed to MW2 so I think I might be playing it for awhile or until I go blue screaming MEDIC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mini Fire

2010-03-02T03:37:00.001-08:00

Well, I went to take a shower after playing some Battlefield BC2. I was in a pretty cheerful and happy mood oddly enough. I got out of the shower and started to dry my hair.

Next thing I know, I hear this KAPOW sound and a part of the wire exploded and sparks flew everywhere. I quickly threw the hair dryer away from myself and it landed on the carpet where it started to flame. Luckily once I unplugged the dryer the fire stopped.

I tried cleaning as much of the soot off the carpet but I’m afraid the rest of it is burnt. I might be able to try and clip off the charred parts and then try to scrub the rest off with a solvent. RIP Hair Dryer, you dirty assassin.

The Scary Man's House

2010-03-01T12:52:00.001-08:00

Joseph Andrew Stack Burnt House, originally uploaded by alachia.

On the way to Cirque De Solei Alegria, we had to pick up Tivi's niece to go to the show with us. She lived like two streets down from Joseph Andrew Stack, the guy who flew a plane into the Austin IRS office and wrote that manifesto.

I got a shot of his house which apparently he burnt down before he went off to commit suicide. Tivi's niece did not want to drive anywhere near the house. She kept saying, "don't got near the scary man's house!"

I had no idea he had burnt down his house first but there it was.. we even saw the front of the house later that night after we dropped off the little girl. It still had the police tape and everything.

Life is so fucked up sometimes. I don't even know if you could or should ever be able to explain it to a child... this is the world you're going to inherit.

No Appetite

2010-02-28T22:36:00.001-08:00

Left Over Chinese Food, originally uploaded by alachia.

I haven't had much of an appetite lately. I don't know why. Sometimes when I'm really stressed or when I just have so much stuff on my mind, I don't hunger for anything.

The last real meal I have had was Friday when I finally made myself warm this left over Chinese food after I realized I hadn't eaten anything for 30 hours....except a pop tart and of course Diet Sunkist. I think since then I've eaten a bowl of that microwave mac-n-cheese and some crackers.

I've been worried a lot about my father this past week. My mom called to tell me that his retina detached from his left eye. It's a genetic condition that actually I am prone too as well but probably not until I'm much older. Anyhow, it's been really depressing for my father who hasn't been able to see while his eye heals from the operation they did on it to see if they could fix it.

Due nerves and tensions that effect both eyes, he can't really see out of the right eye either and has to always lay in a very specific position even while sleeping. Apparently, it is very uncomfortable.

The worst part about it is that my father is like a thousand fold more a busy body than me. He always wants to be doing something. He can't sit still. He comes from the times when you were taught that you always had to be physically productive (wash the car, clean the house, do the dishes etc). In any case, not being able to see or move much is pretty much breaking him. I hope his sight improves this week.

I'm so dark...soo sooo dark. When my mother calls me to tell me my father has been to the hospital or hell when my mom calls at all, I've gotten to this point where I'm half expecting her to tell me she or he has cancer.

They've been smoking for like 40 years. I'm always dreading that call. And now that he has eye issues, I begged him to stop smoking because of how smoking causes constrictions in the blood vessels.

They've quit twice before in their lives but always picked it up again. Smoking is such a horrific addiction because after so many years it's not even about the chemical addiction as much as the psychological dependency. I hope this will be the catalyst that finally gets them to stop.

Think I'm gonna go grab another PopTart so that it won't be another 30hrs until I've had a meal. I don't want to be that loser chick who died from not eating and sleeping because she was stressing and on her computer too much.

Felix The Cat

2010-02-28T03:19:00.001-08:00

Felix The Cat, originally uploaded by alachia.

I really like it when Felix comes to visit because he's allows me to take pictures of him unlike my other friends. At first, he'll try to pose and then I make a frowny face and say "be natural."

And then he goes "what do you want me to do?" So I tell him to tell me a story or to talk about anything. And when he won't smile, I usually say something really crude so he'll laugh or I'll hold the camera up while he's trying to pose until he cracks.

He's a really great model though for someone who has no experience. Eventually he'll let me put make up on him and maybe a dress so I can do more feminine pics. lol. No shot in hell but hey...maybe if he's drunk enough.

Propane

2010-02-25T22:35:00.001-08:00

Well, so much for calling the emergency line. Those gas people didn’t come out until nearly 18 hours after I called them. I think I was like LAST on their list of people to get to today. Everything seems fine except that maybe my propane tank is a bit small for the house and therefore will need more refilling per month than usual.

I’ve resolved to keep the furnace off downstairs to help curb the costs. In just four weeks, the gas bill was ridiculously high! My eyes almost flew out of my sockets when I saw it. That is waaaaay too much gas usage. I’ll be eating crackers and cheese for the rest of my life at this rate. Luckily summer is just around the corner and then I can shut the heater off for another good 8 months.

Best thing though is I got to take my hot ass shower and I feel awesome now.

Living Without

2010-02-25T06:48:00.001-08:00

Cable Modem Without, originally uploaded by alachia.

I can not believe how spoiled I am as a human being. I wouldn't survive one day out in the wild. Forget the post-apocalyptic world! I'd be survivor's main course by night fall! lol.

So the gas guy hasn't come yet and I'm still without gas which means no hot water and no furnace. I was just thinking of this scenario last month when I had massive connection issues do to a faulty screw allowing the wind to knock my internet connection out.

I am like 100% dependent on modern technology. Without access to the Meta, I just wander around not knowing what to do with myself. I watched a lot of movies and thought about how much I wanted to get back online asap. Not being able to have access to my company's servers halted me from working and I had to use up my few vacation days to deal with it.

And I remember contemplating in my head what would be worse than losing internet? Losing hot showers!!! I love to take scalding hot showers, like melt your skin off steam fest. I can't stand being cold so I always crank my shower to max heat and think to myself that this is the one indulgence I can't live without.

What do you know, I'm now without hot water and my worst nightmare has come true. The thought of getting in an icebox shower and trying to shower with ice cold water makes me cringe from the inside out... I think I'd rather just rot and stench up the entire town than take a cold shower.

Hopefully the gas guy comes soon....

Out of Gas

2010-02-25T00:42:00.001-08:00

Out of Gas, originally uploaded by alachia.

Literally out of gas. I think my propane tank is empty or leaking or something. There no furnace heater, no hot water, nothing.

I moved my pillow and yellies upstaris to my office with the space heater on HI. Me and the pets are bunkering up for the night in here to try and stay warm. I called the gas company and they suggested I get out of the house incase it's a leak but I don't really have any place to go at this time of night without waking people up. So if you hear about a girl whose house blew up in the middle of the night, you'll know it was me and can submit my name for a Darwin Award.

No, seriously, it's probably safe as long as I don't try to light fires. This is like one of my nightmares though, to be without central heating. Not good. I hope the technician guy comes out very soon.

Eros

2010-02-23T01:08:00.001-08:00

I have no idea why I’m obsessed with the song Eros by Late Night Alumni. I can’t stop listening to it. It just goes in sync with my thoughts and feelings at the moments. The funny thing is that I really don’t know what the lyrics mean. I figure I’ll try to analyze them and see if I can’t put an end to this obsession……….

Eros prays we build our house upon him.
Sees how well it stands, how long we last
Built upon the sand, on the idol Eros.

So According to wikki, Eros, “in Greek Mythology, was the primordial god of sexual love and beauty. Throughout Greek thought, there appear to be two sides to the conception of Eros. In the first, he is a primeval deity who embodies not only the force of erotic love but also the creative urge of ever-flowing nature.” So I take it mean that Eros is hoping “we” build a relationship built upon his ideals and see how long it lasts. Built upon the sand might hint at the futility of this as sand is ever eroding and not something you can build anything solid on.

So when he's gone, can I do what Eros does?
What he does for us, he does for us.
And when he's gone can it be the way it was?
Bring him back to us. Is he all we've got
Our house built upon? On the idol Eros?

Without the magic of erotic love, does the relationship still work? I take it to mean that stage in the relationship where the initial lust and passion start to fade. It’s that moment where you see it slipping and want it back because you realize it’s all that makes the relationship work..”bring him back to us. is he all we’ve got?”

When our haven wavers in the wind
And walls all beg to be abandoned,
Blame the idol Eros.

As with all these types of relationships that are built upon this type of love and desire, they break and fall apart. And you can look at blinding passion to blame.

When the raven calls and all his melodies
All long to be forgotten,
Blame the idol Eros.

A raven stands for many things. It is known a symbol for knowledge and is said to be a Danish device used as a heraldic symbol. So when the raven calls it’s that time of coming to your senses in the relationship and realizing the true reality of it and how it was not built on anything real. It is also traditionally a symbol of death which works in the same way in this line. Either through awakening or death, what was not lasting will eventually be forgotten.

What's left to say but I loved the way it was?
..Cause I said I would, I've done all I could.
See what he's done to us?
Oh the idol Eros.

Looking back, we all enjoy those brief moments of undeniable states of delusion where you forgo everything around you except the person you are devoted to..All that matters is that you can express the passion and consume it while it lasts. You burn hard, bright as long as you can until inevitably “Eros” leaves and usually one of your lights die out or fade.

When our haven wavers in the wind
And walls all beg to be abandoned,
When the raven calls and all his melodies
All long to be forgotten,
Blame the idol Eros.

Making Room in my Head for Podcasts

2010-02-22T19:45:00.001-08:00

I only got through five of my thirty new podcasts to listen to. They’ve been great so far. I can’t believe how long I waited to branch out and really comb the podcasting world for stuff to listen to. You’d think a podcaster would be a podcast-aholic but I love music and most days I like putting my favorite tracks on extensive repeat.

This is going to sound stupid too. My head is always full. People sometimes say that introspection is good but sometimes I’d like to just stop thinking. The amount of stories and thoughts that cross my head just walking from the kitchen to my office could fill novels, bad novels, but nonetheless just so much crap. It’s hard for me to listen to podcasts because it means I have to figure a way to shut up long enough to listen and really absorb.

I tend to really love podcasts where I feel in my head that I am participating in the ongoing conversation OR that there is so much information flooding in that I don’t have time to think of anything else.

I jotted down some memorable quotes from the podcasts I listened to today that I thought were either funny or interesting:

“Can he solve another crisis in another day? Does anyone still care?” Cable Wasteland (in references to 24)

“I just don’t think of Utah as a destination” CTRL-ALT-WOW (in reference to taking a train ride through Utah once)

“Now I’m trying to imagine my five year old and how she would handle a public decapitation.” Dan Carlin’s Hardcore History (in reference to the history of how children used to be forced to watch public executions)

“it’s easy to forget that coins arrived late in the history of the world.” History of the World in 100 objects

“I want people to know that even though I have a disability, I can still move.” The Moth Podcast in reference to a woman with cerebral palsy telling a story about her hot date.

Rebooted

2010-02-22T04:39:00.001-08:00

Itunes Smart Playlist, originally uploaded by alachia.

I did it! I am reset and woken now at 6am my time and the day is ahead of me. I know I didn’t get but a four and a half hours of sleep but still at least this is closer to normalcy than I have been all week.

Yesterday I asked recommendations from people on podcasts. I wanted to expand my range out of the handful I’m used to and see what else is out there. I got a lot of suggestions and am excited be testing out my dynamic playlist today. I think I have over 30 new podcasts and am looking forward to spending today looking out the window of other people’s eyes.

my eyes are so tweaked out.

Before the Clock Strikes Midnight

2010-02-21T21:27:00.001-08:00

I am beyond exhausted. I haven’t slept for over 27 hours or so. I’m having such a hard time sleeping these days. Even as physically “shattered” as I am, I have no desire to abandon my consciousness. I’ve got so many things on my mind competing with my internal tour de force cynicism and pessimism arguing me every step of the way.

I went out today with Taint, Tivi, Flipmax, and Tivi’s niece to go see Cirque De Soleil Alegria and am once again convinced I will die a hermit. Every time I leave the house nowadays, I almost immediately have this strong desire to come running back and crawling under my meta blanket. It’s such an exhausting world out there trying to pretend you’re not interested in it…because that would REALLY make you apparently abnormal.

I’ve lost my lust for life I guess or maybe I’m just so damn tired I can’t care? Anyhow, the show was okay, nothing like the time I saw Cirque De Ingénue at a concert hall. It was one of the most memorable performances I’ve ever seen. I think nowadays they have modularized their shows in order to have wider distribution of the act. It’s more like a child’s circus now than a beautiful, magical journey into the world of dreams. One group of people sitting in our row didn’t bother coming back after the intermission. It was definitely NOT worth the $85 dollars spent.

I have a final bit to do tonight that I’ve been excited to releasing since Thursday. I just hope I can get it out before I collapse.

Dead and Gone

2010-02-20T06:56:00.001-08:00

it's dead it's gone
what can bring back which is lost?
nothing and in that nothing
maybe it's time to move on?
maybe it's time to realize there was little there to begin with...
the memory we feed is a memory we create to strengthen regret

And what good is regret
when nothing can be saved
today or tomorrow
the whispers belong to ghosts now
and the sadness is the haunting
don't want to grieve, rather deny it's not done
but hope all I want
it's dead it's gone

Before Sunrise

2010-02-17T12:55:00.001-08:00

Couldn’t sleep again last night, I’m not sure why I’m even trying. I ended up putting in the movie Before Sunrise with Ethan Hawke and Julie Delpy. I really like that movie a lot. It’s like the only romance movie I can relate to.

It’s about these two strangers that meet on a train and the whole movie is following them around Vienna talking. You can tell it starts off as slight physical attraction but within the first ten minutes you realize that the real infatuation they have with each other is intellectual and emotional.

The imdb plot reads that it’s about two strangers who spend a romantic evening together but there’s really not much romance in it other than that ideal moment when you really connect with another human being. I think it’s probably the only movie I’ve ever seen where the entire focus is on the conversation and reactions of the characters rather than superficial flirtations.

A lot of people find this movie very boring because there is very little “production” or as I like to refer to it “movie magic.” But I think I really enjoy it the most because it’s a lot like being a fly on the wall and getting to hear all the cool conversations that happen when no one else is around.

I actually like the sequel to this movie more than the first called Before Sunset but thought I would watch the first one again because I hadn’t seen it in a long while.

Also, this movie really makes me envious of cities with lovely public spaces and architecture.

The Innocence of Wishing

2010-02-11T21:50:00.001-08:00

My Wish, originally uploaded by let.yourself_go.

I saw this picture while browsing a color group on flickr. What's Your Wish? Do people still make wishes anymore?

I can not remember the last time I actually made a wish for anything.
It sucks getting older because you start to realize wishes are just a lazy way of wanting something. You can wish for stuff but 99.999% of the time nothing will happen unless you make it happen.

It sure was fun to wish though when I was young. I'd make crazy wishes for the craziest things. I wished I could travel to another planet, I wished my stuffed animals would talk to me, or that I would wake up one day and be someone else...okay, maybe that one is more current. lol.

You just have to have a good sense of innocence to believe in wishes though which gets stripped away pretty early through life.

That's what I love about the movie Howl's Moving Castle which I watched again the other day. I think I've seen it over a hundred times now. It's all about innocence of kindred affection.

And I've been struggling with the concept of innocence lately.
I sometimes wonder in a world we have today whether or not the idea of innocense is an illusion. It seems to be a happy dellusion that collectively as a society we allow ourselves to indulge in as a way of balancing our sanity.

I mean for me, innocense comes at the high price of divine ignorance. In order to reach an innocent level of gaiety and state of happiness, you must filter out certain realities. You tune out global realities and focus only on your own. It's selfish but I'm not sure how else I'd survive a day without doing so. I'd go mad with grief thinking about all the things that are beyond my control and even those that are that I ignore on a daily basis all the time.

It's nice to let yourself slip into that state from time to time at least while you still can. I get the feeling as every day goes by, I won't be able to find that state anymore and I'll never be able to return to never-never land so to speak. Maybe that's not such a bad thing though... so many people around me seem pretty delusional about our realities and it's frustrating because they won't ever grow up and contribute to our gross national product! ..and then we'll be the United States of China if we're not careful.. (uh..damn tangent).. *steering back onto the road*

Whenever I watch movies like Howl's Moving Castle and view fantastical flickr images, I often do want to wish again or be able to..
I want that innocence back , I want to believe in unicorns, happy endings, and fucking flying faeries! Also, I have a hankering to go to Renaissance Festival again of course. lol.

So as a compromise, I'll make a grown up realistic wish today. "I wish that it turns out my brother is healthy and not sick"

The Boy Who Cried Buzz Sucks

2010-02-10T21:49:00.001-08:00

This was going to be a buzz but decided to it’d end up way too long so I figured I’d throw it up here. I just read a review that scathed and ranted about the privacy issues with the new Google Buzz. I haven’t exactly made up my mind yet on these things being the destroyer of worlds and the end of privacy as we know it…

I think it's a good thing that I haven't decided completely. It’s best not to shoot from the hip and do the research first I think and look at this in the entire perspective of online social media. So many people are just vomiting shit about Google Buzz regarding privacy issues.

I get it, I understand the GPS tracking via the phone app can be dangerous when it comes to protecting your personal information. I sure as heck don’t want people having my home address. But I wonder if people actually have thought about how easy it is to find your home address? For a few of the people who ranted about privacy on twitter, I did a bit of stalking research. Sure enough, it was hella easy to figure out not only their address but their home phone number and sometimes even birth dates.

If someone wants to find out information about you and you currently use your real name in the public eye, guess what? They will find you. Facebook is a wet dream for stalkers, phishers, and identity thieves. Not only do you give your name but your location, relationship status, birthdates, favorite color, favorite movies, favorite songs etc. And the worst part about it is that it’s all under the guise of gaining your old friends back and networking with new ones. There are tons of games you play on facebook that ask you to identify personal information about your friends… “how well do you know Mr. Smith.” "or “Which of these celebrities is most like Mr. Smith.” It’s a silly little, fun game you think you’re playing but in reality, it’s called personal data mining.

Most of the tech savvy people out there try to be as careful as possible with who they friend but seriously, when you’re mass adding your HS class and those handful of buddies from college and the co-workers you used to work with….it’s easy for any of those accounts to get compromised as I saw happen many times to friends on facebook…ie why is he inviting me to join a facebook group for pirated movies? Oh…he got hacked. You think it’s a closed secure walled garden but here’s the hard lesson I learned a long time ago…once you put information on the internet, it’s there forever. Delete it as many times as you want, but it’s out there.

Twitter is no better for sure but at least with twitter you are able use handles to protect your RL identity if you chose to do so although a lot of people don’t bother.

And this is where I get a little frustrated with the hypocrisy of the whole privacy issue. I’m crazy paranoid about protecting my RL identity. I even go above and beyond with very, very annoying hurdles that piss my photo happy acquaintances off. I don’t do this because I’m ashamed of who I am or that I think people actually give a shit but because I want the ability to keep the two separate. I like my privacy. I value the ability to be anonymous and not have two varying worlds collide when they clearly should not. I remember how annoyed some friends were that I would not friend them on my RL accounts. The funny thing was that it wasn’t to protect my RL ID but rather my meta from RL acquaintances like extended family, co-workers, and other people who just “don’t get me.”

I also feel like information and depth of a person should be revealed in layers depending on the quality of the relationship. That’s just me though. I’m extremely guarded. I can’t even trust a friendship is going to sustain unless it’s lasted for more than three years and even then, it’s still questionable. Meta-wise, we’re really all just great big ships passing in the night for the most part. It’s not the romantic way to think of relationships but sadly more true than not (eventually they all fade out).

Bah. Anyhow, this brings me to my point about social media and privacy. Truth is, if you want it, you can have my email address. My email address is put in more slots than [insert dirty joke]. In today’s social networking world and online consumerism, your email is like your virtual hand. If you don’t extend the hand, nothing happens. You don’t meet people, you don’t communicate, and you sure as hell can’t get anything worthwhile. Why are people suddenly pretending the “email” is the virgin mary? Email is made to be slutty folks.

And even more annoying from gmail users who are going off on the buzz privacy rant….uh, it’s free. I don’t remember seeing you pay for this service nor their search engine. It’s like when Facebook said fuck you guys, we’re changing the format up and you can’t do crap about it----despite your One million against the new Facebook format groups. Google is exercising it’s right as the proprietary owner of their technology. I wonder if those gmail users have even read the terms of agreement when they created their gmail accounts. If auto-follow contacts scares the piss out of you, you should have ran for the hills before hitting “By clicking on 'I accept' below you are agreeing to the Terms of Service above and both the Program Policy and the Privacy Policy” when you read this:

“You retain copyright and any other rights you already hold in Content which you submit, post or display on or through, the Services. By submitting, posting or displaying the content you give Google a perpetual, irrevocable, worldwide, royalty-free, and non-exclusive licence to reproduce, adapt, modify, translate, publish, publicly perform, publicly display and distribute any Content which you submit, post or display on or through, the Services. This licence is for the sole purpose of enabling Google to display, distribute and promote the Services and may be revoked for certain Services as defined in the Additional Terms of those Services.”

AND

“You acknowledge and agree that if Google disables access to your account, you may be prevented from accessing the Services, your account details or any files or other content which is contained in your account.”

Seriously man, some perspective please. That’s the part that pisses me off. I mean I get the auto-follow contacts, geo tracking bullshit stuff. I get it. But it’s your choice to use google. If you feel safer with yahoo or hotmail then don’t migrate..stay “safe”…lol.

If and when our secure content is spilled out like a horrific oil tanker disaster, I’ll be the first to pitch the forks and burn down google, trust me. But in this case, I feel like people are crying wolf without knowing what they’re looking at. I wanted to post this in google buzz to hear other people’s dialogue on the subject because I’m open to other perspectives but damn it was just too big (TWSS)!

update: speaking of security nightmares!

OMG. Check this article out about Pete Warden and what's he's about to do with 215 million Facebook profiles! http://www.readwriteweb.com/archives/facebook_user_data_analysis.php

another update: crap, I forgot where I was even going with this initial post. I was responding in response to a critical review from an influential tech personality. Yeah, about that. It's very easy to forget that the majority of us socnet users aren't famous. Half the time, we're lucky if anything we say gets feedback. *tap tap is this thing on?* is the general populations take on things like twitter, blogs, and chat tools. So it's a bit unfair to compare "your" privacy issues and woes with people like us. Yeah, Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and top tv personalities might have some trouble using this as it would fill their inbox up overnight.

But even with the whole geotagging feature. I saw someone's house today because of the geotag feature. It was neat, it was innocent. I get the feeling he's not worried anyone is going to come knocking at his door. For those of us who interface in the meta innocently, it's just awesome to have that kind of connection. And yes, you can't be naive. I understand the dangers of exposing your home address but damn if it ain't cool to use that street viewer and ask someone if they plan on changing the color of their shudders in the near future. Sharing doesn't always have to be a dirty word. We're not all out to get you and your precious information...it's a shame that shit exists...so much lost potential.

I often wonder if the reviewer even thought much about the implications of buzz or even just the technology of "friendfeed" integrated into your mail service. It really does answer a lot of the problems we have with the antiquated format of communication called e-mail. We communicate differently. Just think about it... is e-mail even your primary source of communication via the web? Not for me for sure. We don't write letters anymore, it's often too cumbersome to mind dump, instead we opt more for conversations. E-mail should be treated more like open-ended conversations. Technology has advanced us the tools for this but maybe not everyone has fully adapted yet? Google buzz gives me the ability to have those flexible, flowing conversations rather than rigid one to one exchanges.

Dream Theories

2010-02-07T14:59:00.001-08:00

Occasionally, I dream really, really hard and when I wake up it takes me awhile to figure out which reality is real. Last night, most of my dream consisted of a mall, a lost bag, searching, shower, nakedness, legs, a concert/parade/rally, and weird baby/dog people.

I knew two people in my dream from real life but most were made up people with distinct personalities. There was this one girl who I think I borrowed heavily from the movie Whip it because she was super funky but her parents wouldn’t let her go out to this really amazing concert. OR maybe that was me in HS I was projecting into the girl. lol.

I don’t usually carry purses/bags but it was me in the mall who had lost my bag. I remember losing right after I was in this shoe store and realized there were twenty live hidden cameras in the store trying to film this famous person who was standing near me. I ran out of the store but then realized I had lost the bag which apparently was super expensive. I then spent what seemed like an eternity trying to locate the bag all the while every store in the mall I passed seemed to be a candy/icecream/cake shop. It was very distracting.

The shower scene was odd. It involved a RL friend of mine who I was just hanging out with and we had to get ready for something. The room turned into a shower and the next thing I know I’m just casually showering in an open stall and so is he. There was absolutely nothing sexual about it. In fact, he was trying to be funny and swish his thingy around like I saw in the pool scene in the movie Kids. I was laughing so hard. Then a friend I only know online comes in and starts talking to us as well. He’s a bit surprised I’m there, like I probably didn’t belong there because I didn’t have a penis. I sometimes suspect my mind has convinced itself it’s a boy.

I think the leg bit has to do with the fact that I took a bunch of photos of me with my new thigh high socks I like to wear under my PJ pants. I have two type of socks I love wearing. I either like the super high ones or the expensive form fitting ones you usually wear when you go hiking. I have this phobia of my socks falling off while I’m sleeping and waking up with bare cold feet. The higher the sock, the less likely it can fall off during the night. Anyhow, last night I had crazy paranoia about my sock picture folder being posted accidentally so I think that’s why I had a good chunk of my dream dedicated to legs. This is my theory anyhow. The funny thing was that it involved some chick who constantly had to use this spray hose to wash her legs off. Dreams are weird, don’t ask.

The baby/dog thing was probably the most fucked up part because this woman was super sick but pregnant. For some reason she didn’t want to give birth to it because it was some kind of hybrid dog baby thingy. I think the baby thing came from the fact that this girl I’ve been following online for the past 10 years just had a baby. She doesn’t even know me and I just started to comment on her flickr photos like a few months ago but otherwise, we have zero relations. Oddly enough, she’s probably the closest thing to a person I have a vested interest in who has had a kid. She just gave birth like two days ago and I find it surreal that I’m genuinely excited for her. And I get to now follow her new life with the kid (I know, I sound like a freaky stalker at this point). Anyhow, her baby looks nothing like a dog. But the woman in my dream had a bizarre family that was all up in arms about her sickness and the state of the baby. When it came out, it wasn’t as odd as you might think. The woman barely survived and I remember her family like all huddled next to her like vultures.

And then I woke up.

Queen B Drone in Disguise

2010-02-05T23:37:00.001-08:00

Every time I’m headed out the door to do stuff, it begins to rain. It started the day before yesterday and has continued through today. It’s a bit annoying because I really love the rain so long as I’m indoors.

Yesterday, I had to venture out to submit plans to the City Permit office for my work. In the city of Austin, you have to personally hand deliver everything for permitting. You can’t just mail it in because I guess that would be too convenient.

You know how you see architects in the movies and they are walking around with those sexy rolls of drawings under their arms? It’s not like that in reality. In reality, those things are a minimum of 8lbs. In my case, I was carrying three copies of eighty page set in addition to two more sets I got the next day. It must have weighed 20lbs. It sucks. And people who say lift with your knees can go suck it. I’m lucky if I can get the fucking thing off the ground let alone what I lift with… I’m surprised my knees didn’t pop out of the sockets. I have like zero muscle mass.

Oddly enough, the guy I was handing the drawings off to was pure muscle mass. He was this medium height black dude with an upper body built like a super hero action figure. It was weird because his lower half looked super slim. Sexy arms though. He picked those drawings up like they were straws.

Unfortunately, there is so much red tape involved with the permitting office. I can’t even go into how annoying the whole process is and how many times you have to put yourself back in que to sometimes just talk to the person in the next cube. Long, already boring story short, I ended up having to get back in line to talk to the permit application woman. After waiting like thirty minutes, she finally came to see me and took me to her cubicle.

Inside, the cubicle is pretty boring and basic materials. However, all along her walls were these oddities that hinted she had a strong underlying sense of decadence that extended beyond the straight jacket world of the permitting office. She had a popular all girl car club poster up as well as several sci-fi musical shows and female roller derby signs. She even had this story posted up in her cube for people like me to be able to read while waiting around. I’ll post it at the end of this post but it’s not your normal “prayer” or “be good to humanity” stories you usally read in those cubicles.

Her appearance also nodded to her subculture sway. She had one of those retro chic haircuts that was died black and bangs cut short and curled under. I could tell she had several tattoos despite the fact she was wearing a cardigan jacket.

I actually looked her up on myspace just to see if my suspicions were right and sure enough she did belong to a group on the wall. And all this would have added to my delight to interact with this woman but for the fact that she was stone cold. She acted so annoyed with me while we were walking through the permit process of the project in question and would barely look me in the eye (she was too busy rolling it).

I just didn’t get it. I guess she dismissed me as a drone child and thus treated me like one? All that subtext of a more interesting person underneath and not a drop of warmth. So of course I started fantasizing about her internal neurosis to try and wrap my head around it. My guess was that she’s one of those people who join subcultures not to make a niche within her own kindred but rather for the reason you see faux nerdy, fake gaming, tech poser actors and actresses in the Geek culture. I know it’s cynical, but I think it’s true. A lot of these small fishes in big ponds like to migrate to the smaller ponds to make themselves look bigger.

That’s my analogy for this woman. She’s one of those posers who fronts with her friends that she’s part of an alternative lifestyle but in reality she’s a Queen B drone in disguise. Of course, this is just my hateful fantasy I projected on to her because she treated me so poorly. lol. Maybe she was just having a bad day and I’m the asshole. Probably.

I just never get people who are in the service department who make zero effort to be nice. They are in the service industry for godsakes. They have the opportunity to make a small part of someone’s day nice and pleasant. Such is the world I guess. I sighed when I left and was glad to be back in the rain honestly. It was more cheerful than in that building. I guess this is why my father is always telling me to smile more. Our shells project more than our existence, they effect moods.

------------------------------------------------

This was the story attached to the wall of the cubicle:

The love story of Ralph and Edna.
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays soundmindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.'

Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?'

2009 Spending Chart

2010-02-05T15:09:00.001-08:00

2009 Spending Chart, originally uploaded by alachia.

I kind of freaked out when I went to look at my Spendature Analysis of my credit card. It seemed all excessive when you look at it all at once. I kept going OMG, I spent X amount of dollars at this place and how did I spend X amount here!!!?

In reality, it's not too bad. I spent about 30% of what I make per year which I was told isn't too bad. I don't pay cash for anything so except for my mortgage this is my full expenditure for the year of 2009.

I definitely see places I can cut costs though. I have way too many "extra services" charges for misc things here and there and I really need to stay the fuck away from Bed Bath and Beyond!! It's my credit card's arch nemesis apparently. LOL. Actually, I don't think it'd be that high if it weren't for the fact that the new house created a need for more household knick knacks.

The top 3 Merchandise Vendors were Bed Bath and Beyond, Amazon.com, and Wal-Mart (Blizzard Entertainment was #7)

The top 3 Services charges went to T-Mobile, AC repair, and Home Inspections (from buying/selling a house last year)

I have no idea why Education is listed because that slice of the pie was from buying six John Mayer tickets. And the Government charges were UPS and Fed Ex shipping.

According to the chart, eating is low in my list of spending priorities. hahaha. But that's false because I spend quite a bit of money on groceries at Super Wal-Mart from time to time.

I'm going to spend this weekend purging re-occurring charges for services I don't need anymore. Goodbye Live Journal account! Woot. I have now saved 20 bucks for the whole year! Done!

Sleepless

2010-02-02T01:38:00.001-08:00

Listening to Sleepless in Seattle on listentoamovie.com while working. I forgot how much I loved this movie the first time I saw it. I thought it was so endearing that the whole movie revolved around a romance between two people who had never met. They never meet until the end of the movie.

Of course this type of idealized relationship and pairing is complete bullshit but it’s a nice little fantasy. I never believe there is this person out there that’s your magical perfect mate, I don’t know many people who do. I believe in circumstances, compromise, and convenience. NOT at all romantic but very practical. Still, it’s nice to allow your head to go to that mystical place where dreams are possible.

I really like the quiet and quirky nature of both the main characters. I used to love Meg Ryan before she swore off romantic comedies and then got her face muddled with plastic surgery. I never understand actors that turn their backs on the genres they are really awesome at in order to prove themselves to be serious at their profession. Hell, it’s all about entertainment so who cares if you can star in a drama or a comedy?

Anyhow…The whole movie is about a possibility that always exists in all of us to chase after a dream that we wish was there. The danger in this is that often, that dream doesn’t exist in reality and it’s hard to shake that growing up. As I got older and older, it became harder and harder to swallow the fact that opportunities of who I’d be were getting smaller. I used to have these totally crazy and elaborate fantasies as to what I’d be doing in my future life.

I certainly never thought I’d end up as a recluse with all passion drained from me. I thought I’d be a fancy architect living in New York or a bohemian film maker traveling all over Europe in the name of public art! I dreamed of a slew of friends and wonderful people I’d meet and all the awesome places I’d end up seeing.

Instead, I lived a very safe life. It’s nice, cozy, and a strong investment for my future. And I’m not a kid anymore and I realize you have to grow up and start taking on responsibilities and stop dreaming up a life you’ll never live. But every once in awhile, it’s quite nice to open up at the lock box of fantasies and have the cliché moment of “what if?”

Cedar Fever

2010-02-01T23:48:00.001-08:00

I woke up today with a sore throat and a massive headache. I recently discovered the probable cause for my ailing health this winter. Cedar Fever. Apparently this year is worse than others. Between December to February is when the Cedar Mountain Trees are hurling their pollen into the air. They say the pollen clouds coming off the trees are so thick they look like smoke.

And yay for me, Cedar pollen is one of the most horrific allergen in this area. And even better, I’m now surrounded by Cedar trees!

Everyone around here that I talk to seems to be really suffering badly. In addition to the usual allergy symptoms like itchy, watery, red eyes, itchy runny nose, scratchy throat and sneezing, you also get lethargy and malaise plaguing you. It’s the fatigue of always being sick that makes you want to give up on life.

I was reading a website on all these tips for controlling Cedar Fever Season. Found out my dog is probably one of the biggest culprits as she brings in pollen dust every time she enters the house from outside. I do my best to wipe her down but I’m not sure if it helps much. I have to wash my sheets often and vacuum a lot too.

I never wanted to be a bubble girl so much in my life.

It’s crazy when I did research on how the pollen works and it makes me wonder if it wouldn’t be possible for plants to kill us one day like in that movie “The Happening”…. because these damn juniper plants are just about killing me and I barely ever head outdoors. I doubt I’ll be doing any outdoor activities until after February.

Pieces of Me

2010-01-31T21:51:00.001-08:00

I am there. I am here. I have been here for so long. I’m accessible. You can read me, see me, hear me, reach me whenever you want. It’s almost impossible for me to hide.

But you, you’re out there and I’ve got to do all the work. I have to dig, I have to search, and break my nails scratching. You think this is a fair relationship? It’s not. Pieces of me are scattered everywhere. I’m exposed.

It’s not fair to pretend like we’re on even ground. Friendships and relationships don’t get to just happen when it’s convenient for you, when you decide you need pieces of my soul.

So much of me over the years has wanted to lock it all up so you don’t get the advantage every time. So that I’m not so predictable and easy to read…so that you can’t use my weaknesses against me. It’s really not fair.

I feel like I’m the only one standing here naked and I don’t know why I just don't cover up and go back inside.

Mystery Science Theater Bindpoint

2010-01-31T11:58:00.001-08:00

I ended up watching the first episode of Spartacus: Blood and Sand and really hated it. It took me a few hours after watching it to process just how awful the show was. I went into bindpoint and was going on and on about all the things that I couldn’t believe was in this show.

I saw the first preview for this show in the theater when I went to go see 2012 back in the fall. It looked like a 300 knockoff but seemed like it could be promising. I swear though, within the first three minutes of the episode, you can tell it’s going to be bad.

Anyhow, I begged a few of them to watch it just to confirm I wasn’t just being overly critical. On a whim @celticlucas checked to see if it was Netflix. It was so he and @jaminbee started watching it. Celtic wanted to turn it off within the first ten minutes but he was encouraged by us to keep going…because “it gets so much worse".”

It’s just one of those types of pilot episodes that has so many wrong things about it that it’s hard to sum it up in just a few words. It had bad acting, bad plots, bad costumes, bad cgi, bad set design, bad directing, ill-placed boobs and sex, and corny blood splatter. It’s what you’d have expected the movie 300 to look like if it had been a B-movie.

The great thing though was that it was hilarious to watch together with commentary in bindpoint. I was laughing so hard my face hurt. We even waited for @azyxa and @suzuaara to watch the first episode before we went on to watch the following episode all together….where we were greeted with a sausage extravaganza and weird warm up sex with slaves. Over all the second episode was incredibly boring compared to the first which had way more fucked up scenes to laugh at.

It was really fun being able to share my misery with them. lol. I’m hoping we can do it more often. I wish there was a way to stream movies in sync.

Here’s a snippet of our chat from last night:

***Bindpoint***
***WoWast: Bindpoint Channel***
***Scroll Mouse over text box to pause scrolling***
(9:25:07 PM) Alachia: shoulda counted boobs
(9:25:14 PM) CelticLucas: hah
(9:25:21 PM) CelticLucas: all of those togas are wrong, btw
(9:25:35 PM) jaminbee: all drunk out of their minds
(9:25:37 PM) CelticLucas: man, they loooove the C word dont they
(9:25:39 PM) Rishal: Make a game of how many boobs there are?
(9:25:46 PM) jaminbee: did they even have the word cunt back then?
(9:25:52 PM) Alachia: good question
(9:25:52 PM) Rishal: No.....
(9:25:54 PM) CelticLucas: nope
(9:25:56 PM) jaminbee: to many to count rish
(9:25:59 PM) jaminbee: tits that is
(9:26:01 PM) Rishal: Drinking game, then
(9:26:03 PM) jaminbee: no dick yet though
(9:26:05 PM) CelticLucas: i just saw like 235 tits
(9:26:22 PM) jaminbee: now thats a drinking game
(9:26:26 PM) Rishal: Every time you see tits, take a shot. You'd be drunk 15 minutes in, I guess.
(9:26:29 PM) CelticLucas: not 236, because that one chick only had one boob out
(9:26:33 PM) jaminbee: 2 mins
(9:26:34 PM) CelticLucas: not even rish, first sex scene is at 6 minutes
(9:26:46 PM) Rishal: Good to know.
(9:27:20 PM) Rishal: Did they have the word "fuck" back then? NO!
(9:27:27 PM) CelticLucas: actually they did
(9:27:52 PM) CelticLucas: it wasnt fuck this it was more like 'i will penetrate you'
(9:28:01 PM) Rishal: Ha ha!
(9:28:10 PM) Alachia: hahah
(9:28:16 PM) jaminbee: oh my god
(9:28:19 PM) jaminbee: "kill them all"!
(9:28:36 PM) CelticLucas: and, there goes an arm
(9:28:38 PM) jaminbee: suddenly filled with anger and strength, kicks the shit out of everything
(9:28:45 PM) Alachia: latin futuo, to prick
(9:28:54 PM) Alachia: hehe
(9:28:57 PM) CelticLucas: lol
(9:29:01 PM) CelticLucas: exactly, alachia
(mouse over the chat box to stop text from scrolling up)

Wolf Moon

2010-01-31T01:36:00.001-08:00

On the way home from eating at Taint’s house Friday, I noticed the moon was brilliant and clear. It was a bright, surreal wolf moon out and it looked amazing.

When I got home I pulled out my camera and tripod and headed outside to my driveway. I had a thick jacket on, knitted hat, and scarf to keep me warm. I was ready to capture this glorious bright moon.

Turns out out I made a fatal photo error. I didn’t know my camera! I totally could not figure out how to set the exposure. I fidgeted with the flashlight trying to keep it on the camera menu screen. It was nearly 30 degrees Fahrenheit (-1 degrees Celsius) outside. I forgot to put on gloves.

The thing about me is that my body completely shuts down when I get cold. This happens at excessive speeds. After playing around with the camera for five minutes, my fingers were piercing cold. I felt like if I hit them on anything, they’d shatter. I couldn’t even get the camera to take a picture of my freaky tree without using the flashlight. Damn exposure setting!!! I ended up going “fuck it! I’m dying!” and ran inside.

It took me nearly 15 minutes to recover I was shaking so bad. I eventually found the manual to the camera but even after reading up on exposures, I could not will myself to go back out into the cold. Next time I won’t forget my gloves.

The sucky thing is I missed my opportunity to take a good picture of the full moon. I guess I’ll have to wait for the next one to try again.

Hey Cupcake!

2010-01-29T23:08:00.001-08:00

Hey Cupcake, originally uploaded by alachia.

In about 4 locations around Austin, there are these shiny silver airstreams that are parked in various places that just serve cupcakes called hey cupcake! I have been meaning to stop by and try one out. They are supposed to be the best cupcakes in Austin.

Well after dinner tonight at Taint and Tivi's, Tivi pulled out a suprise dessert, cupcakes from hey cupcake!

They totally look delicious but I will have to report that I was extremely dissapointed. Betty Crocker and Duncan Hines have nothing to fear. Not only did they all kind of have a hint of coconut (yuck) flavor, they were barely sweet or not sweet enough for my tastes. It was like eating a healthy muffin. If this is what cupcakes taste like in the UK, I can see why Jeppy doesn't understand my obsession with cupcakes. bleh. meh.

But they sure do look pretty. I didn't have my camera on me so I had to user her Nikon D90 which I am not used to anymore especially with the crazy zoom 2.8 lens. My pics of the cupcakes weren't as noteworthy as I would have liked. I think I'm still more disappointed about the taste than the pics though. :)

Soul Jar with Your Name on it

2010-01-29T01:24:00.001-08:00

I keep wondering if excessive connections and accessibility is a good thing or bad thing. Because we have the tools to connect so easily it definitely begs the question of “should we?”

The issue I have with it is that it creates these false readings of relationships. Sure someone is twittering to “you” that they went out for a cup of coffee or posting to “you” that they got engaged or showing “you” a video of their baby walking for the first time. These are all intimate bits of a person’s life they are sharing with “you”…so it’s easy to think you’ve developed an intimate relationship with them. But the problem is that they’re not really engaging with “you.”

The ugly truth is that we’re all throwing our voices out there in hopes that someone gives a shit. Some intentions are far more selfish and glory whoring than others but odds are if you put yourself on the net, you at least have an inkling of self-importance that you think what you have to say should be put out there. And sadly, so many really don’t do any of this to make real connections. Or maybe I just have a fucked up definition of connections and relationships.

I have a hard time grasping onto casual acquaintances and casual friendships. For me, I love to dig deep into a person. If I find a friendship I fall in love with, I dig and dig and crawl my way past a person’s skin until I’m inside them. If I believed in a soul, I’d ultimately want to tear it out and put it in a jar for myself to keep always. That is the type of bond I seek. It’s also why it’s so devastating when they fall apart.

But this new generations of connections has me so confused. We probably share more with each other and put ourselves out there more than ever before. However, I keep wondering if these types of connections actually hinder us from digging deeper. We are so obsessed with sharing ourselves and keeping the flow of information streaming that it doesn’t seem to matter if truly gets absorbed just as long as it’s out there. And maybe that is enough?

And then I think, is the communication and information people giving really more than surface, shallow banter? I just want to scream sometimes when I see people barely sharing a few @replies on twitter or facebook for the first time deluding themselves into thinking they are now best friends. Those aren’t real connections, those aren’t real relationships right? Maybe I’m the one who is delusional here. In a world of excess, why can’t I get enough?

How TV Night works

2010-01-28T00:28:00.001-08:00

TV Night, originally uploaded by alachia.

Every Thursday was our tv night last fall. We were keeping up on a weekly schedule with the latest episodes that season. Our line up was Glee, SGU, Lie to Me, V, and Grey's Anatomy.

I used to be the one who would pick which one we would watch first but then they all started to debate on which shows were better starters and which were better finishers. There's nothing worse than ending tv night on a bad episode after all. :)

So I devised the good old fashion method of the blind draw. I made little paper notes of each show and folded them up and stuck them in an old plastic cup. Everyone but me would then get a chance to draw at random the show we would watch. It was all diplomatic and stuff.

It didn't really get rid of the flaw of having bad show enders but it at least took out the blame game for sour episode picks. The new tv season doesn't really pick up again until April so we might have to change our line up if we want to continue tv nights this spring.

Bread, Butter, and Jam Slam

2010-01-26T08:30:00.001-08:00

Last night after Avatar IMAX I was a starvin’ marvin! I was so hungry during the film because I didn’t get to eat lunch and was expecting to eat an early dinner.

Sahd and I stopped by Kerbey Lane for dinner on the way back from the movie which is one of those awesome 24/7 joints in Austin. I love the place a lot because it really fits the Austin vibe and did I mention it was 24/7?

Flipmax and I usually hit that joint for late night meals. Pretty cool joint where the manager comes out wearing a black hoodie, has two tatoo sleeves down his arm, and a nose piercing. He came to our table in front of our waiter and says, “Hi, I am the manager. I wanted to tell you how sorry we are that we are out of Portabella mushrooms. Would you like to substitute for something else?” Heh. even in the fanciest restaurants here, you’ll see people with tats, piercings, sandals, and shorts. And for some reason it’s not trashy but hippie chic or something.

Anyhow, I digress. I was so hungry. I ordered a diet coke and an appetizer of queso, chips, and salsa to begin with. I ate pretty much half of that before my meal came out. I had ordered a Denver omelet with egg beater substitute and a short stack of blueberry pancakes served with sugar-free syrup.

I ate half of the omlet and half of the pancakes and was plenty full by then. However, I noticed Sahd didn’t touch his spanish rice so I gobbled a couple of spoonfuls of that. By this time, I had drank three glasses of diet coke refills and was at my threshold for intake.

However I did not stop there. I saw Sahd wasn’t going to eat his Texas toast so I snagged that. I love toast. I usually order the toast and rice combo instead of the pancakes but they usually give you cold shitty butter to go with the toast which is a pain to spread and usually tears up your toast. With the pancakes, they give you that nice awesome whipped soft butter. I used that on his toast and spread strawberry jam over it and it was glorious!!! I LOVE toast with butter and jam on it.

UNFORTUNATELY, my body is not accustomed to eating that much food so this morning, I woke up with the worst heartburn ever. This used to happen to me a lot when I would cook spaghetti. I loved it so much I would binge on it and get painful heartburn all night and morning. The worst part about it all is that I am craving a diet coke and toast now but can’t allow myself anything but water until the pain goes away.

Sod’s Law

2010-01-25T23:12:00.001-08:00

Bitchfest warning**** Okay, the warning has been given. I had one of those awful days that just drain every particle of energy out of you. My work is a constant stress ball for me. People always give me grief for working at home. They think it’s a cake walk. I’ve talked about it before. The benefits are great but when you’re coordinating with a home office 300 miles away, it can be crazy sometimes.

Miscommunication happens a lot and I’m often out of the loop. Technology is also lagging quite a bit so I tend to have a lot of network issues. Today was no exception. My connection to the SonicWall VPN went tits ups as the British would say.

I called the main office for help but aside from a billion reboots and a few re-installs there wasn’t much that could be done. Of course this all goes down during crunch week. We have a major deadline this week and I can’t access the network. And just for kicks, it happens yesterday evening!!

Yesterday evening was the one weeknight in forever we had all planned to do something together. We were supposed to meet up at 5pm and go out to eat before hitting up IMAX3D Avatar. I even had Sahd leave work early to come pick me up so we could be early for dinner.

Well I was stuck on the phone with 15 minute windows reboots between re-installs until almost 6pm. I had to miss dinner and barely made it to the theater. The VPN still doesn’t work at this point. I’m not sure what I’m going to do besides mail off my laptop to the main office. The crazy thing is that my exact words to the guys on Friday was, “We should go see the Friday night showing of Avatar on the IMAX.” And they were like, “it’s too late, why not wait till Monday evening like we planned?” And I said, “We should go see it now. You never know. Shit might come up Monday.”

Sure enough shit has exploded all over the place. And the worst part about it all is that I was really looking forward to the eating out part all day. I have already seen Avatar so that wasn’t a big deal to see it again. We were only going to see it because Tivi hasn’t seen it yet and we thought we’d try the IMAX this time.

On top of that, I got a call from my friend with some RL shit that went down that wasn’t too good. It’s a pretty disappointing situation. Oh yeah, also found out this weekend my favorite teacher from HS died from cancer. Gunk and Funk, this week is going to be amazing. It can only go up from here right?

Passion

2010-01-25T00:45:00.001-08:00

My mother is extremely even tempered. Even when she’s really mad or annoyed, she tends to not raise her voice or enrage. I take after my father who always sounds like he’s arguing because he raises the pitch of his voice during every discussion. I wish I was more like my mother.

I like the character of women who are refined and have beautiful personalities. They are so gracious and loving in how they present themselves. Sometimes they get pegged as brainless or mindless. After all, anyone who can’t express passion for something is probably a drone right? I don’t think so.

I think there is a way you can train yourself to behave and act in a certain way and yet still feel strongly about things. I have not mastered this art yet. I get so heated by the slightest things. As soon as I am attached to an idea or ideal it shoots through my veins and becomes uncontrollable. My voice goes up and my words stumble all over each other and I often sound like a totally crude man in a bar when I’m invested in what I’m talking about.

Sometimes I am able to control my tone but the majority of the time I’m cursing like a sailor and blurting out like a rabid animal. It’s not pretty. This year I’m going to try and re-work my behavior patterns and see if I can’t behave a little more refined.. at least some of the time.

Dust Collector

2010-01-22T21:36:00.001-08:00

Bleh, I’m in my reclusive state again. I hate being like this but it’s sort of my way of protecting people around me from my disease of utter apathy. Studies say that your mood can greatly effect the mood of people around you. This is why they say you should surround yourself around optimistic pleasant folks. heh. Also, I fucking can’t stand it when people see me like this and thoughtlessly say, “cheer up!” GAH!

I’ve just been sinking into this hole of sheer indifference. Everything is meh and I’m uninspired by life at the moment. I keep hoping it will pass and I can return to some semblance of normalcy. More than anything right now, my brain has been in over drive trying to figure out how I find myself in this state of mind. It happens about once or twice a year and seems to last longer and longer each time.

One of the things I kept going over and over again was that maybe I keep putting my life in crazy scopes of perspective. Where am I? Who am I? Should I be here? Is this where I belong? Was this my path? What’s the point? What’s the point? What’s the point?

When I look at my life in the present, I feel like it’s been neatly glassed in and put on a shelf. Sure there are other lovely things on the shelf next to you and you get to see a few things as they pass by the window. In this box, my life is safe, it won’t be broken or tattered or get too dirty. The depressing part though is that in the larger perspective, that’s all my life will ever be… a dust collector.

Have I come to terms with this life? People always say you have a choice but the truth is that at a certain point you have to own up to the fact that life can not remain an infinite stream of possibilities. I guess as you see those possibilities dwindle as an adult, it can be quite depressing. And if you’re me, which sucks, you have such a low outlook on everything that it’s so hard to see the opportunities that are still there. And worst, you don’t care and that’s the part that sucks the most.

If someone were to observe the grief I have over the indifference to my life they’d probably ask, “so what do you want to do? What would make you happy? Maybe you should pursue things in life that will inspire you.” And that’s the scariest freaking part. My answer would be, “I’m not all together sure if anything or any lifestyle or anyone can make me care. I am numb.” What if the numbness consumes me? That freaks me out the most.

Snuffles

2010-01-17T10:33:00.001-08:00

I’ve been ill lately. Usually when I get sick (aka allergies/sinus cold) it takes me months to recover. I’ll have moments of clarity where I think I’m over it and then bam, I wake up the next day and I can’t breathe and I go through a box of tissues trying to keep my brain from leaking out of my nose.

If my body stays at a certain blood pressure level, I tend to be okay and can breathe properly with a few sniffles. During sleep time however, my blood pressure plummets and my nose stops functioning correctly.

The really unfortunate side effect of an illness that afflicts the nose is that it’s directly associated with ears and throat. So now I have a sore throat and my inner ears are itchy. It’s a mess and I feel like I want to dive into a sea of nyquil jello.

I am the perpetually sick girl. It sucks. Having these kinds of ailments doesn't mean I get to be sick, lay in bed, and not function till I’m better. It means I have to do normal things and cope with the effects of the illness all day long whenever they hit.

I know there are worse things to complain about but I can’t help but be totally envious of people who never have allergies or sinus issues. The not breathing bit is quite a bitch.

The Sanctuary

2010-01-16T20:07:00.001-08:00

Shady Cat, originally uploaded by alachia.

I definitely did not wake up on the "good attitude" side of the bed today. I've been in one of my nihilistic, cynical, wtf is the point to anything moods. BUT instead of dwelling on that, I'll use the mundane task of my new office curtains to help deflect my negativity.

I've been meaning to install curtains in my office since I painted the room and set the projector up. The cellular shades in my office window are light filtering and not light canceling like the ones in the guest bedrooms (you get to sleep till noon here without daylight nuisance as a guest). However, that means I can't use my projector during the day because there's just too much light coming through.

So I set out to Bed Bath and Beyond today to figure out how to handle my light problem. I had bought curtains last week but even with the cellular shades down and the curtain, there was still too much light coming through...damn that death star.

The solution after debating and pacing around the store for like an hour was the dual curtain rod system. This allows you to hang the curtain you like on the outside and put a liner on the inside. Liners are hella expensive though so instead I bought Eclipse Light canceling curtains. I won't know until tomorrow at noon if they work properly. If three layers of blockage doesn't shut out the light, I will brick in my windows. lol.

I also installed my bulletin board next to my desk. I think I'm going to print out pics of friends and tac them to the board. I also thought about making a personalized calendar to hang as well. Yup, these are the things I use to distract myself from myself.

My office is kind of my sanctuary. I'm literally in here like 12-14 hours of the day. Adding little things to it to make it more homey makes me feel better...well that and my space heater. :D

From Here to There to Anywhere

2010-01-15T03:04:00.001-08:00

Another insomniac night. I’m just glad I have a job where I don’t pay the ultimate price to badly for it. I don’t know what it is but I am crazy, crazy addicted to surfing the internet. It’s always been my guilty pleasure. I am addicted to information. It would be a bit more awesome though if I were addicted to good information.

Most people I know surf the net by checking sites they have bookmarked or searching for something specific. I start out that way. I click on a cnn.com and the next thing you know, I’m reading about how satellite’s work, then searching star constellations, then looking up some popular name mentioned, then somehow I’m in the gossip news looking at the latest Brangelina news. I might see some interesting picture and then I’m looking up a related movie it reminded me of only to check out the book it was based on and get motivated by reading about the author about some point in history.

I then spend another hour reading about a particular point in American History and that turns into trying to research how steel is made which leads to a search about synthetic chemicals and bam I’m on a website about how the brain works! Of course, on that page will be an ad that reminds me I was meaning to look up a trailer to a movie which I go watch. And that gets me to thinking of a song I wanted to check the lyrics for and that leads to another round about read on the history of the Beetles.

A short mention of another name in that era leads me on a search for painting by Andy Warhol and suddenly I’m researching the alleged love affair between Bob Dylan and Edie Sedgwick which for no logical reason at all reminds me I wanted to see who won the Biggest Loser TV show that season. And of course that leads to a research on past contestants and that branches into a lengthy read on yo-yo detox diets.

I get bored of reading about diets and then I’m on apple trailers where I see a trailer for a documentary which I research and it ends up being about a love triangle online that leads to murder. I then spend the next 30 minutes try to find images of the deceiving woman involved.

I can’t get enough. Having the general knowledge of everything at your fingertips is incredible. The sad thing is that at the end of a couple hours of surfing, I’m really not better for it. Sometimes knowledge without action is the same as ignorance.

Beauty is on the Outside

2010-01-13T14:43:00.001-08:00

I never get the beauty is on the inside thing. I think people mix up beauty and personality. Personality does not make you physically beautiful the last time I checked. I’ve met some really unattractive people with hearts of gold and yet this does not magically make them appear like Brad Pitt or Angelina Jolie to me. They’re still not attractive.

And that’s the bitcher isn’t it? You were born a certain way and you were either born drop dead gorgeous, mildly attractive, decent, average, tolerable, or ass ugly. I realize thought that most of those definitions are defined by social conditioning. Regardless of where our definition of beauty comes from though, you can’t really help how you were born… or can you?

I was reading this article today about plastic surgery and the pros and cons regarding the social acceptance and stigma of altering your natural state. A lot of people say they hate the idea of plastic surgery and yet are the first to oogle at Hollywood’s finest. And when you point out to them that “beauty” was manufactured under thousands of dollars of knife work, they tend to go into denial.

There are dozens of pics out there of plastic surgery gone wrong and the painfully obvious images of Hollywood starlets who went under too many times. But at the same time, there are many of countless people we see in the media that are just stunning and you would never have guessed they had their nose slightly turned up or their eyebrows lifted, or their boob augmented.

It’s like we take comfort in thinking that we can differentiate natural beauty from synthetic beauty. Why? Is it much different than a girl or boy getting braces as a child? The teeth are naturally crooked, why not let them stay twisted? How’s that different than being born with an unusually long chin or a crooked nose? I’m not sure.

For the longest time, I’ve contemplated the idea of breast augmentation to fit in with the standard curves of females. However, as time kept going by, I’ve gotten accustomed to my flat-chested form. I’m not even sure I’d appreciate boobage at this point in my life. I kind of like having a boyish figure. But on occasion when I see pics of Meagan Fox or some other such Maxim spread, I get that itch in the back of my head again….

Salt, Tomatoes, and Icecream Cake

2010-01-08T14:04:00.001-08:00

I looked into doing detox diets yesterday but then realized they’re all basically starvation diets. F that noise. I really want to lose about 5lbs. The ultimate problem is that I’m in love with candy and I got a shit ton of it for Christmas. I have a major oral fixation and it usually leads to a ton of snacking.

I went out to eat with Flipmax yesterday and we stopped by Central Market on the way back. I picked up a lot of fruit like grapes and bananas. I also decided to try and see if I couldn’t curb some snacking hunger with some cherry tomatoes.

Today I took a few and put them in my mug and poured boiling water over them. I don’t like eating cold food and I thought boiling them might soften them up a bit too. I then sprinkled sea salt on them and gobbled them up. Over all, I’d say this snack is quite a success minus the fact that I got salt grains all over my desk.

Of course, after eating all the cherry tomatoes, I was still craving salt so I started to pour the salt in my hand and lick it up. This would have been fine had I not overdone it. Now I can’t feel my tongue. In order to remedy this, I went downstairs and ate a no-sugar added light ice cream sandwich. DOH. Oh well. I tried.

I then decided to go ahead and make another ice cream cake since I had the ice cream sandwiches out. This recipe is diabetic friendly and quite delicious. I changed it up a bit though and added fresh strawberries instead of the chocolate cookie wafers. The hardest part about the recipe is finding freezer storage for it.

I’m still a bit hungry but I think I’ll chew on some gum…which of course will stir up my digestive juices and I’ll be more hungry soon! Thank god it’s almost dinner time.

Bad Hair Day

2010-01-07T13:53:00.001-08:00

I’ve been trying to keep up with the nobs blog stuff. Problem is I don’t know what to write. I have a lot of feelings and emotions but nothing really happens to me. There’s not a lot to say at times. And usually when there is a lot going on, I’m too busy to write… like during the holidays.

I guess I could talk about my hair and how it’s been annoying me. I’ve been growing it out to donate to Locks for Love. Seems like a simple way to help out and I like knowing someone might be happier because of it. However, in true spoiled fashion, I’m not a fan of growing my hair down past my nipples. Sorry there isn’t a better marker description for me. My hair is extremely thick and straight.

I’m always envious of other people's ability to do shit with their hair. My hair is either down and in my face or up in a bun clip thingy. Anyways, I’m at that point where I like to cut my hair but can’t because it’s not long enough. It has to be 10” to donate. When I take the scissors to it, I’m going to cut it at shoulders length so it has to be 10 inches past my shoulders. I’d say it’s about 6.5 to 7 inches past my shoulders at the moment. A few more months to go probably depending on my hair growth cycle.

Wow. this was a ridiculously boring post. Maybe I’ll go burn pieces of my hair for fun now. It’s crazy how fast hair burns.

Eat myself to Happiness

2010-01-06T14:02:00.001-08:00

Cup-a-soup, originally uploaded by alachia.

Having a low-self esteem day today. This of course translates into excessive eating. I've been eating non stop today to satiate my appetite for destruction.

I've been trying to go after healthier foods though as to not do too much damage. So far not much success. I've gone through several handful of nerds, starbursts, and Nutrigrain bar. I was hoping this cup-a-soup would top me off because it was warm and supposed to be comforting.

But now I'm craving ice cream. And if I indulge myself, I'll feel even worse...so I must refrain. It's one of those bury yourself deep into the couch days.

Last Pic of Tivi

2010-01-05T11:54:00.001-08:00

Tivi on the Move, originally uploaded by alachia.

for two months....

So I made the mistake of making a bet with Tivi, my brother's girlfriend. I said that if she got on the Wii Fit board and did her wii fit test and wasn't "underweight," I'd stop trying to photograph her for two months!

Well after prying her for an hour, we finally got her to do it. She was just above underweight in the low marker of Normal but DRATS, now I can't take pics of her. She hates having her photo taken but I like taking pics of everyone.

What really sucks is that I just got a new camera that can finally keep up with her elusive maneuvers to avoid the snapshot! Come March she's in trouble!

New Year’s Resolutions I will Break

2010-01-04T15:38:00.001-08:00

Here are my New Year’s resolutions I made knowing I will break them:

1. Learn to be optimistic

2. Drink less Diet Sunkist

3. Stay on top of my blogs and other projects

4. Get on a normal sleeping schedule

5. Quit WoW

And here are the New Year’s resolutions I plan on keeping:

1. Dance at least 10 minutes or walk 45 minute every day

2. Learn more about photography

3. Dedicate more time to the people I care about

4. Be nicer

5. Appreciate my life

All I want for Xmas is a Headshot

2009-12-25T05:17:00.000-08:00

Quite a weird and bizarre Christmas I've been having. First off, on the trip home, we had so many gifts we were trying to cram into the Truck (F150) that the only way we were able to make it work was to have Myself, Taint, and Sahd sit in the front seat. I had to ride bitch. I actually didn't mind so much except for the fact that there is no head rest in that seat. And that wouldn't have been such a big deal if it weren't for the fact that I hadn't slept for over 30 hours at that point.

My head was constantly rolling all over the place on the four hour drive home. When we got home, I opened the front door to my parent's house and noticed immediately that there was no Christmas tree!! They had just gotten back from a 3 week vacation overseas and my mom was too exhausted to put anything up this year. So now we have a huge pile of presents just sitting by the window. I volunteered to pretend to be the tree this year and I would blink my eyes to mimic blinking lights. I don't think anyone was to excited about that idea. lol.

I was actually feeling pretty decent that night even being as exhausted as I was. I was dancing around singing "Down" by Jay Sean. Then I went to bed around 1am . The next morning, I woke up and couldn't move. Apparently the drive down must have strained by back at a pressure point. I literally couldn't get myself up without extreme pain. This of course was exacerbated by the fact that I really needed to go pee. lol. Suckage. Long, painful morning story short, my mom put some bengay on it and I got pain meds... I'm feeling much better today for sure although I'm still downing Alleve like tic tacs.

Besides resting and feeling loopy yesterday, I pretty much bunkered down and watched The World's Deadliest catch marathon. I got a pass out of not going to mass with Sahd and his family because of my back. I took it because the thought of an hour on those hard pews and all the standing and getting up would have sucked. We only go every year to make his grandmother happy.

Anyhow, late last night, my dad poppped a live concert for Andrea Bocelli and I actually saw the dude for the first time. I had no idea he was blind and played the piano. The man is a amazing. However, watching his concert made me super sleepy and I actually went to bed before midnight which could also have been because of the meds as well.

The shitty thing about going to bed that early is that I normally only sleep 4-6 hours. I woke up at 4am. I noticed the light in Taint's room was still on so I went and he was still up playing Modern Warfare II. I have the game myself but haven't installed it because I've been working my ass off up until the night we left.

So I sat down and started to play. I tell you what, there is nothing like kicking off your Christmas morning killing marines and terrorists. lol. I was off to a rocky start at first especially with Team Deathmatch mode. However, after a few rounds, I started to get my stride back. FPS is like riding a bike, there are just certain memory muscles that don't go die. I think I will definitely install the game when I get back to Austin. I also didn't notice much issues with the non-dedicated server thing. I love the pace of the matches and of course the unlocks and level ups are nice. It'll suck when I start my own up because I'm going to start at baseline. boooo! lol.

Anyhow, that's been my Christmas so far. I'm waiting for everyone to get up now so I can had off to Winnie,TX to bein the first leg of my Christmas day.

Merry Christmas! [HEAD SHOT]

Answers and Inspirations

2009-12-22T20:19:00.001-08:00

I just got through watching a live ustream posted by @manorton on twitter for what seems to be an online worship service called Redeemed Point. They had people playing music and then I guess a pastor come on and give a quick sermon. This one was about Christmas and the true meaning of the holiday.

I thought it was kind of neat watching a very intimate sermon via live streaming. The weird thing of course is that I’m atheist but for some reason, I have this really strong fascination with sermons. I especially like to listen to or watch sermons done by smaller churches and services. I hate those big tv production ones or the mainstream churches. Usually big productions lack a lot of the intimacy and relate-ability of the message I enjoy about these smaller ones.

I’ve had my issues with Christianity in the past, especially as I was coming out as an atheist. However, over the years, there is something I still really am drawn to about the Christian worship. A lot of the teachings are solid. They are about respect for family, empathy for your fellow man, and the beauty of community.

After you move away from home, you are basically on your own when it comes to guidance. Hell, even most parents today don’t offer up the needed thumping you expect from traditional teachings. No one wants to be the bitch. While, I don’t agree with a lot of the Christian philosophies at times, I still appreciate a great deal of the idea of community leadership and guidance. I definitely feel lost at times, not really sure if I’m a part of anything anymore.

However, when I listen to a few small sermons nowadays (South Lake Presbyterian Church podcast), it is quite pleasant to hear the global themes of our modern social morals reiterated. Where else do you find such community and guidance today? I’m not sure.

A lot of atheists kind of see this as ridiculous I’m sure. The newage atheists tend to define atheism as a cult of anti-religion where I simply see it as a singular definition of the lack of belief in a god or gods. I also don’t tolerate general ignorance when it comes faith guided hatred or bigotry either. But for some reason, I’m able to appreciate the most of the teachings of Christ without actually believing in God. Social morality is huge in my book and I think all communities benefit from having it as backbone…and quite frankly, I don’t really see government leaders, community leaders, or any other organized group in our society pushing to keep it strong except churches (regardless of what their motivations might be).

Probably Horde

2009-12-20T15:50:00.001-08:00

I totally forgot! Last night at the theater to Avatar, we arrived early to make sure we got good seats. We always pick the row that is about 3-4 rows behind the midpoint.

Anyhow, we secured our seats fine. This young couple ended up parking it next to Taint to the left of us. For some reason, about 2 minutes after they sat down, they got up and scooted one seat over.

Sahd said to Taint, “Do you stink or something?” And Taint laughed and sniffed himself. We all laughed. I looked over and saw the chic was wearing a World of Warcraft Hoodie so I commented under my breath to the guys, “They’re probably horde.”

The chic must have heard me and was like, “Did you just say ‘We’re probably horde?’” LOL. I was like “yeah”..

She said, “yeah, we are.” So I bantered back, “There you go!”

Taint chimed in, “The war continues.” lol.

FYI: Hot chics play horde! hahaha.

Sniffs and Sneezes

2009-12-20T15:37:00.001-08:00

I spent an hour or so talking to Flipmax in the garage after Avatar last night. I didn’t think we’d talk so long or I would have moved the conversation inside. In any case, it was very cold and I think I might be getting sick now because of it.

I woke up today with a sore throat and lots of sniffles and sneezes. I really don’t want to be sick for the holidays so I’m going to see about getting my work done asap and then maybe going back to bed. Also, I stayed up way too late last night.

I am really annoyed by how fubar my schedule is… I wish it was acceptable to carry on in life the absolute opposite sleeping schedule as normal people. However, if you sleep most of the day awake and keep wake through the night, you find a lot of your time is in solitude.

I wish there was a balance. *sniff*. I guess I better get started on my work. Hopefully I can finish it soon.

Take me Back to Pandora Please

2009-12-20T02:37:00.001-08:00

I wasn’t planning on going to see Avatar while it was out in theaters. I was going to wait until it came out on dvd. However, Flipmax wanted to go see it and I thought, what the heck. So tonight after dinner, I convinced everyone to go watch the 10:35pm showing.

There must be bad marketing with this film because they failed to convey that it was available in digital 3D in every major theater. I’m so used to those special Imax 3D films where you had to find a special theater to go see shit in 3D. When I pulled up fandango.com, I noticed in all of our major theaters there was an option to watch it in “realD 3D”.

I was like sweet, I haven’t seen a movie in 3D since I went to Disney world many eons ago. I was also warned that 3D films nowadays are really cheesy and gimmicky when it comes to their 3D production, ie..a ball being thrown at you. I also never really buy the hype for movies and honestly the trailer only mildly interested me.

It may be stupid but because I was unaware of the 3D glasses procedures for theaters, I came prepared. I’m used to them handing them out out of these cardboard boxes and when you’re done using them, you throw them back in the box. The last experience I had really grossed me out. SOOO, I brought along disinfectant and tissue just incase.

LOL. When we walked up to the ticket lady, she told us to pick up our glasses at the table next to us. They come packaged in a sealed plastic bag. I guess the theory is that you return them after the movie, they get “sanitized” and then prepackaged. They’re a bit awkward to wear, sort of like slightly too large sunglasses. Maybe I’m just not used to wearing them.

The movie itself is indisputably a milestone in movie history. For me, it was like Lord of the Rings and The Matrix. You just knew, after those films were produced, the bar was raised. You wait for these types of movies for years!

I can’t say the story was all that amazing. If you’ve seen Dances with Wolves, Battle for Terra, and to many degrees, Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, you get this plot immediately. Avatar’s story is pretty much: Earth is in peril, humans needs something from a moon named Pandora, the humans conflict with the indigenous humanoid life forms, and the plot ensues. It’s straight forward, a classic story, and relatable. All the bases are covered by "back story explanations" so the movie can quickly get to meat. (example: Language barrier? Easy. There used to be a school set up to teach the aliens English and vise versa. Move along!) It might be a bit basic but it’s enough to keep you entertained for nearly 3 hours.

As for the computer graphics, not all together new. You’ve seen this technology before as well with Golem in Lord of the Rings. It is CGI transference where you’re not just animating but rather translating real actors and acting into CG.

NO, what made this movie revolutionary and amazing was that it is the first film to marry true sc-fi fantasy and reality for the audience. The transition between what is fantastical (ie, CG and creatures) and what is based on the reality we know (the actors and theme) is seamless! You really can not tell in this movie that it was as computer simulated as it was. You just believe that everything is real.

This is the first film where NO details threw me off or out of the context of the movie because of awkward computer graphics or bad renderings. And even more amazing, is the fact that most of this movie boasts an organic world. In the perspective of computer animation, organic simulation is the hardest. Putting solid architecture and elaborate sci-fi city backgrounds behind green screens of actors talking is childsplay compared to this (*cough*lucas*cough*).

The characters flow with and through the environment and because I was watching the 3D version, the perception of depth was even greater. I never felt too overwhelmed by the 3D except for the opening sequences when there were long hallways where the field of view and focused aperture fucks with your mind. I’m sure James Cameron always intended this film to be viewed in 3D but nothing about the movie suggests that it was designed to be 3D. It simply is and that’s what makes the 3D aspect of it so successful.

Holy F-ing details! The reason you hear so many people say “I want to watch this movie again,” is probably the same reason I’m saying the same thing. This move is like the equivalent of the richest, darkest chocolate cake you have ever tasted. There is no way you can take it all in with just one bite. I have to see this movie several times just to absorb the amount of visual elements he packed into it. There is no way you can come out of this movie and not believe Pandora isn’t real! I love directors who do this. That’s what I loved about Lord of the Rings so much, the world was so elaborate and so much care was put into every frame regardless of where the focus of the scene was.

The only reason I probably won’t watch this movie in the theater again is because movies are too damn expensive and like I said before, the story itself is very simple. It’s just translated so well visually and of course it’s the first of its kind. It’s the new milestone marker for animated story telling for sure. I love it when technology rises to meet visionary ideas. Avatar is definitely an example of this. The fact that Cameron pushed the release date of the movie from May to December because not all theaters had 3D projectors speaks volumes to this. Not to mention he pushed the start of production from 1998 to 2006 in order to wait for CG technology to advance.

I spent like an hour and a half talking to Flipmax after the movie about it and few movies ever really awe me any more. And for a movie whose actual story line wasn’t that impressive, I’m still left with a profound impression of the film. It is soooo immersive that I think a lot of people will have a hard time parting with the ~~world~~ movie.

It is officially 1984

2009-12-10T06:35:00.001-08:00

President Obama accepted the Nobel Peace Prize with a speech on the need for war. "Clear-eyed, we can understand that there will be war, and still strive for peace," he said.

I don’t think I’m the only one who still thinks this whole thing is just a tad awkward, the Nobel Peace Prize bit and all. However, after hearing that quote, all I could hear echoing in my ears is:

WAR IS PEACE, FREEDOM IS SLAVERY, IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH

I must start practicing my “doublethink” asap!!!!

Pass the Salt

2009-12-08T00:04:00.001-08:00

Gotta love google. I’ve been trying to figure out why I crave salt so much. I go through periods of the year where I really crave salt. I always just assumed I love the taste so much. That might actually still be the case.

However, I did some research and found out there are typically two reasons why people crave salt. Yes, salt has several natural minerals in it that humans need. yadayadayada. We know that. But apparently table salt has most of those natural minerals filtered out of it. So that .007 ounces of natural salt we need per day is actually nil despite the fact that we consume shit tons of salt ever meal.

The other theory is that I might be suffering from Adrenal Fatigue which I had never even heard of until tonight. The adrenal gland is some 3 inch thingy that sits on top of your kidneys and produces essential hormones. During times of stress, you overwork these glands and they get stressed out too. Why that means you need more salt, I can’t quite figure out. I just know that adrenal fatigue does effect your blood sugar level.

The more I read on it, I think the adrenal thing is most likely my issue right now. I just read a bit on it where it talked about over stimulating your glands by taking too many stimulants..and of course I’m beyond stressed out from work. Apparently when we flood our system with “boosters” like caffeine, adrenaline from stress, and excitement from violence/challenges, it starts to max out our glands. The phrasing I read was “flooding the engine”…

OR it could be that I just love the taste of salt and my brain is looking to indulge itself?

In the meantime, I’m going to grab another soda, continue licking this salt off the pretzel sticks, and figure out how to not be stressed out anymore. lol.

Resources:

Adrenal Fatigue/Exhaustion

Ezine Articles

Natural Health Web

Blog-22

2009-12-03T22:50:00.001-08:00

The fucked up thing about blogging these days is that you want to talk about shit that’s going down around you and concerning the people around you. However, everyone is online now and everyone usually knows where your blog is because, yea, sometimes you want to share your thoughts..but then you don’t want them to feel bad when you write about them.

I’m ISTJ. Introverted Sending Thinking Judging. My two highest are Introverted and Judging. I judge a lot. I observe people around me and situations and reflect upon them until they are inside out and over. A lot of times I have to write about these things to get them from jamming up my head. The last thing I’d want though is for people to think that I’m bashing them on a blog or using their grief or my grief as an exploit.

So anyhow, that’s why secret blogs are necessary…so you have a place to write the stuff you really want to write without fear of saying something wrong.

Alachia's Tweet Cloud 2009

2009-12-01T16:13:00.001-08:00

Tweet Cloud 2009, originally uploaded by alachia.

Tweets aren't a very good indicator of following your personal life throughout the year but I'd say my tweet cloud is very characteristic of the way I interacted in the meta.

I was interested in seeing the word "house" in there. I didn't realize I had tweeted so much about my house selling and buying drama. lol. "Awesome" and "Love" are my go-to words for describing my delight with something so no surprise there.

Also not shocked to see "cupcake", "blog", and "night" in the cloud. I'm a night owl, I re-emerged my personal blog from the graveyard this year, and found a true love affair with all things cupcake.

The only word that puzzles me is "time"...why is "time" so large a word in my tweet bubble? I can't recollect using the word much or even why I would. weird.

And I'm just a little embarrassed that the word "woot" made it into my bubble. Thank god it's small! lol.

Happy Thanksgiving 2009

2009-11-26T13:22:00.001-08:00

I am an ingrate most of the time. As much as I want to blame it on my culture, the truth is it’s just easier to be ungrateful than it is to find ways to be happy with your life.

But if I’m honest and forthcoming about my life, I should be shouting out how amazing my life is. If I come out of the bubble of being a sheltered American who is always lusting after MORE MORE MORE, I am beyond blessed.

I am grateful foremost for my family, my amazing family who love me beyond reason…who love me despite my inability to properly show them how much I love them back. I sometimes don’t know how they continue to be unconditional in their love for me but it’s something I strive to reciprocate.

This year I am particularly grateful for the ability to connect with people I have found to be my kindred. I realize most of these connections would not be possible without the medium of technology we have available today. Imagine that. How many people never found their intellectual soul mates back in the day? Now it’s far more possible to truly connect to people you would never have had the opportunity to otherwise.

Anyhow, I hate sappy posts. Happy Thanksgiving!

Crush

2009-11-22T21:46:00.001-08:00

NoBS 4: You ever get that feeling that the people around you aren’t real? I mean they’re real as in they exist but their relationship to you is so intangible that you’re not sure what’s sincere or just fluff. I’ve been like this since high school I think.

People come and go and despite their uttering of friendship and even devotion, certain things just aren’t really that rooted under the surface. Most of the people I talk to don’t seem to mind this fleeting, surface friendship. They’re attitude is like “yeah.. cool, we hang out. if we don’t hang out, whatever”…

I never understand why I have this obsessive nature about friendships. I’m always looking to grow super deep roots and create blood bonds. I’d almost say it’s like I want to consume my closest friends which sounds a bit cannibalistic. lol. However the concept is actually pretty dead on in terms of absorbing someone into your own being. I guess that’s the part of me talking that never wants to let go…that wants a certain character or consciousness to never leave me.

I sometimes get real hopeful and optimistic about connecting with people. I call this my “crush” phase of a friendship. I’m so enamored by the person or find a quality in them that I really connect with… and I start thinking that we can establish something lasting. Unfortunately, most of my connections never make it past the “crush” stage. Inevitably, the person disappears or loses interest in the connection.

I’m not sure if my “friends” realize the effect they have on me..especially when they fade away. I’m pretty sensitive. Relationships that they may not have valued greatly leave grave indentions in my mind. And so many, many times, I find myself asking…what did I do wrong?

blogger Tags: nobsjustblog, nobs

Brrrrrrrrrr

2009-11-19T15:22:00.001-08:00

blogger Tags: nobs, just blog, nobsjustblog

NoBS 3: I crawled into bed last night around 6:30am. Besides being tired from working all night, I was above all, freezing my ass off. Even with three thick blankets over me, two shirts, and two pairs of socks, my body was racking from shivers.

I tucked my fingers between my rib and arms but they felt like dry sticks of ice. I was miserable. It took me like an hour to fall asleep because I was shivering so much. I think I might need to invest in one of those electric blankets or something. The sad thing is that it probably wasn’t that cold…maybe in the high 40s outside?

I get cold once the room temperature drops to 78 Fahrenheit. My brain shuts down, my body shuts down and all I can think about is getting warm. This is why I’m so glad I live in Texas. People hate the summer months here because it averages out in the 100s most of the summer with very little rain or wind chill. I <3 it. I want summer back again.

Right now my space heater is set to HI and I’m wearing an over-sized fleece jacket. All I have to say is that I’m glad it’s TV night tonight because my brain can’t function. I hate it when I go into these grey states of existence. I want to wake up.